I need someone now. =[

[Blueberryplz]

I haven't taken my medication in a week now.
I'm more depressed than I've ever been in my whole life.
I'm losing my mind && something happened yesterday that I can't let go of.
I can't talk about it with my husband because he'd just get mad && the few friends I have wouldn't understand.
My son is having tantrums every five minutes lately && it's almost impossible for me to handle when I'm off my meds.
I just snap && lose all patience.
So after a few hours of nothing but crying cause he couldn't get his way, I went to fix him dinner && he decided he was too upset to eat.
I tapped my toes, drummed my fingers, but he wasn't bulging.
So I switched the vegatables for spaghetti to see if he'd eat that && when I went to give it to him, he knocked the entire spoon out my hand.
I was so mad, I smacked him in the head with some force without even thinking about it.
He cried, I cried.
&& I took him straight out the high chair, calmed him down && went over to my dad's && let them feed him.
I feel so awful. I'm scared to touch him because I never want to get that out of control again that I do something so horrible.
I think he hates me. He'll never love me again.
I'm a bad parent, a bad person, && everything is just awful.

I love my son.
I didn't hit him hard enough to leave a mark or to have DSS come take my child away, so if anyone wants to leave me a comment bashing me, fuck off.
I just want support.
I'm planning to make an appointment with the psychiatrist this week because my depression has gotten out of control.

[TJSMOM91804]

Jul. 21, 2009 at 9:37 AM

Stay Strong, Have Patience & Know That You Are Loved.

[starmoonlight]

Jul. 21, 2009 at 9:41 AM

I'm so sorry. Good chances are .. your son won't remember when he's older. You will be fine. He will be fine.

[poli_sci_mom]

Jul. 21, 2009 at 10:20 AM

depression is hard on every one. I've learned that lesson the hard way, very similar to the way you have.

You will feel better soon. Just grit your teeth and smile!

[Faye-Tula]

Jul. 23, 2009 at 1:43 AM

I don't think your son will hate you forever and that he will love you. Just hang in there. I definitely have an Irish temper and have to watch myself a lot. But, don't be too afraid to touch him because kiddos need lots of hugs. Best wishes~Yashi

[pnwmom]

Jul. 23, 2009 at 2:46 AM

I am glad you called someone for help.  That is the best thing for you right now.  You son will be fine, give him lots of hugs.  Just remember that when we have obsticles we can find a to hurdle over them.  You getting help is your boost over that hurdle.  Good luck Mama.  Your son will be fine :)