Emotionally Drained and Long

[Lynard69]

Maybe I'm being overly sensative. If I was on my period I would have a better excuse, but I'm not so  I don't know, but honestly, I don't care anymore.  I'm so tired of being let down.  Tired of being told one thing getting my hopes up, then being told something different when the occassion arrises.  Tired of always being put down, being told I'm wrong at all times.

I found myself crying myself to sleep last night.  Why?  Over a sofa.  Well, it's more than that.  Our furniture is trash.  Literally, he gets hand me downs from his sister and when we get them they are totalled already.  I want new furniture, at least a new sofa for now.  The one we have has tears on every side of every coushin.  I tried a slip cover, but DH didn't like it.  I have a sheet over the coushins, but DH don't like that either.  Without something over the coushins the kids play with the tears and make them bigger. 

He refuses to allow anyone over the house because he says the house is trash.  He's embarassed by it.  The house is old, but I keep it clean, despite three boys all under the age of 7.  Back in February/March we repainted the living room walls and pulled up the carpet to find some beautiful hardwood floors.  He was supposed to refinish the floors when the kids were away on Spring Break but never did.  It still looks nice, but it's just not finished.  Instead he spent oodles of money on relandscaping the front lawn.  To my surprise even allowed me to go by myself (which must have been painful for him) to pick out the bushes and flowers.  Of course he wasn't very happy with some of what I picked out, but he did admit that it looks nice all put together.  That must've been extremely painful for him to admit.

Several weeks ago I made a deal with DH.  I told him I would buy the coffee table and entertainment stand if he bought the sofa.  Both of our birthdays are this month and rather than getting each other something, I thought it would be better if we got something for the house.  He agreed.  I looked at every local furniture store and then some.  I found a coffee table so I  went ahead and purchased it.  Well, a couple weeks ago I was told no we weren't going to get the sofa due to tags on both vehicles being due this month.  OK, I am disappointed but I can understand. 

Last week, DH tells me about a sale one of the local furniture stores is having.  He even e-mailed me a copy of the flyer since I have a fire-wall at work and couldn't get to the site.  So, on my lunch hour I went to check it out.  I saw several sofa's I like.  DH told me if I could get approved for financing then we could get new living room furniture.  I was approved, so I've been to this store practically every day looking and picking out what I want.  He has put a nixed on everything.  OMG  he don't even go into the living room so what does he care. 

Last night was the last straw, he was supposed to meet me there  to look at another sofa and chair I picked out.  He told me he was going to go home and eat first since he was getting off before me.  I waited for almost an hour, tried to call and texted him several times with no response.  I could only assume something happened and he was still at work.  Then to my surprise when I arrived home, he was sleeping.  He never ate, he came home and went straight to bed.  Needless to say, I was furious!  He claims he said no, he wasn't going, but I looked over all my texted and there was no such thing.  I couldn't stay in the house with him I was so mad. 

He was up when I got home.  He says he's going to take off Wednesday and we'll go together to look.  That all sounds great, but I have a party on Friday I'm trying to get ready for and Wednesday is my only day off, it is my busy day to get everything done.   I was so upset last night I didn't feel like doing anything.   My scheduled plans to get ready for this party is totally out of wack and nothing is done.

In theory it sounds fantastic, we can do it together.  Unfortunately, he has a history of telling me one thing and then never following through.  When he plans things for us to do, I never tell the kids.  He always changes his mind at the last minute and then they are upset.  So he yells at them for it.  I try to follow through on the things he promises, but most of the time what he plans requires money that he knows I don't have. 

Not to mention we don't agree on most things for the house.  He accused me of buying junk that he will throw out.  I buy what we can afford.  He offers money to help pay for things then tells me he don't have it.  So essentially it ends up coming out of the grocery money, because I've already bought it believing he will help with the cost.  Then I get to listen to him complain about eating the same stuff or not having enough of something.  I have my pantry stocked with essentials.  We go through snacks like crazy with the kids in a summer program for daycare.  They each have to bring a snack daily, then they need a snack when they get home before dinner time.  We have three growing boys.   

I know I'm going in different directions, but I'm so furious and upset.  Whenever I think about it, all I want to do is cry.  I told him last night I wasn't going to have sex with him until I got my furniture.  He says that I won't get it until we have sex.  I feel like I"m in a no win situation.  He's a total jerk the day after we have sex and more than likely will change his mind and not go.   I think this is what worries me and has me upset more than anything.

Do I go without him and let him complain or do I just continue to be miserable?   Going to bed last night, he asked if I was crying.  I lied and told him no.  If I told him the truth, he would tell me I'm being stupid.  He's a good guy on the ouside, but  yes he likes to put me down whenever he can behind closed doors.  My self esteem is at a low point. 

I went back to work to feel better about myself, not to mention help out with finances.  I want to feel like I"m contributing.  He don't see it that way.  He sees it as a place for me to socialize.   He would love it, if I didn't work at all.  I did that for six years.  As much as I would love to stay home with the kids, in these times it's just not feasable.  I need adult interaction and I just don't get that when I was a SAHM.   Although we've lived here four years now, I still don't know any adults that I have anything in common with.  I have forgotten what it was like to be a person.  Going back to work has helped me remember that I'm an adult not just a mother and wife. 

DH don't like the after school program the kids are in.  He thinks if I get a higher paying job we can afford better day care for the kids.  Well, it don't matter what kind of child care you have, if the kids are sick, they are not going to watch them.  He wants me to find another job making more money.  Well, that is all great and all, but when the kids are sick and I have to call off.    I've been at my current job for ten months and I've had to call off four times because of sick kids.  The place I'm at now is wonderful about it.  They believe family comes first and they understand.  If I go somewhere else they will totally fire me and then there is no extra money coming in.  No matter how I put it to him, DH just don't understand this.  

I'm in a loose loose situation.  No matter what I do or what I say, it's inconsequential to him.  My opinion don't matter.  My contributions don't matter.  The only time I hear nice things is when he's horney.  The kids are away for two weeks visiting their grandmother and this has already turned into the worse time ever.  There was so much I wanted to do and I can see none of it will happen at all.  I will spend my nights crying and wishing I was dead.  Most of the time I don't even know who I am.  I've lost myself and I fear I will never find me again.

 

[NannyB.]

Jul. 21, 2009 at 1:38 PM

Whatever it was that you saw in this man that made you want to marry him, to spend the rest of your life with him, and to be the father of your children, you need to reconnect with in a hurry.  Right now, all you are seeing is the negative, and negativity is a killer, especially where marriage is concerned.  There has to have been some positive somewhere, so relocate it and begin to think on that and to compliment and admire the man the way you did in the beginning.  There's a dynamic involved in doing that that will revolutionize your marriage.  Yes, it requires effort and it requires "gutting it up" a bit, but you can do it.  And resolve that no one, including your husband, will be able to cause you to lose who you are nor cause you to stop utilizing the talents that you have been given.