Vent about criticism I've been getting (language alert)

[Mrs.BAT]

I am so sick of people pointing fingers at me and telling me it was MY fault that my milk dried up! I DID the fucking research on the Mirena before I got it, and I could never find ANYTHING negative besides what was at that time posted on the Mirena website. Everything I found anywhere else said the same damn thing! It wasn't until I started having other problems and started talking about them that the connection to the Mirena was established. It was suspected before, but we really just didn't know. My doctor's office, the health department, websites, EVERYONE was telling me I was nuts for associating the Mirena with my milk drying up and all the other problems I have from it. Excuse me for not being rich and not being able to afford to have the damned thing yanked out of me! Some of us didn't plan our pregnancy and don't have insurance! Yes, that's right, I had to sign up on fucking Medicaid to pay for having my baby. If I had been able to plan my baby (we were married and I was on the pill, so we were being responsible and don't regret her, for the record), I wouldn't have needed Medicaid. I'd have been living somewhere where it was freaking legal to have a homebirth assisted by a midwife. But no! I still live in bumfucked egypt backwoods Virginia. People around here don't even know that you can still use cloth diapers, breastfeed, or have a baby at home! They think midwifes are fictional characters! They think people like me are moving BACKWARDS! WTF?! Anyway, I digress. I searched high and low for a free place to have this thing removed and only recently found somewhere. I have an appointment Monday. So because of my choice to not have children again for a few years (getting the Mirena, which was SUPPOSED to be BF mom friendly), I got screwed out of something important to me, and even more enraging my BABY got screwed out of breastmilk! I spent several hundred dollars over the course of 3 months trying to get my milk boosted, and then trying to get it back. Not a damn thing helped. It got to the point where it was like she remembered not getting enough to eat and would scream bloody murder if I even cradled her in my arms near my breasts, especially if I was topless or just in a bra.

I tried to kill myself after I lost my breastmilk, THAT'S how badly it affected me. I'm bipolar and ended up also suffering from PPD, so that's what made my reaction so extreme. I have spent countless nights popping fenugreek and More Milk Plus and downing Mother's Milk Tea like it's going out of style while pumping both of my breasts until my nipples cracked open again and bled. I have stayed up all night crying myself to sleep after watching my baby drink a bottle of formula. I have put myself through hell trying to get my milk back on only gave up about 2 months ago when my daughter was almost 8 months old and my husband lost his job. I did everything within my power to get my milk back and nothing helped. I drove about 3 hours away to the nearest LC to get things and she worked with me on a plan for things to do, and I stuck with it religiously for months. Finally, I couldn't stand watching my daughter scream like she was in pain everytime I would try to hold her near my breast and I gave up before I DID kill myself.

I'm not happy about what happened to my baby and me, but I can't change it now. I tried. I did everything I could and I'm sick of feeling like I have to explain myself to strangers online who have nothing better to do than accuse me of not doing enough or being a bad mother.

[lilmom0417]

Jul. 24, 2009 at 9:04 PM

I'm so sorry that people have treated you like this.  I went through the same thing after I had my second daughter, the BC I went on dried me up, and I was assured by my doctor that it wouldn't affect my milk.  Again, I'm sorry you have been treated so badly, it's not your fault.  You should be proud for making such a huge effort, you really tried, and that's all that matters!

[nettee]

Jul. 25, 2009 at 2:22 AM

Wow!  People can be asses!!  I never heard of a BC drying up your milk.  That sucks!!!  I'm sorry people treated you so horrible.  That's not right!  It's their way or no way apparently!  Geez!  I hope you're feeling better now.  I'm bipolar too and that would have sent me over the edge as well!!