The Day I Became Atheist

[crkirby]

Well, that just seems like a silly thought in my head....as if one day I popped up and suddenly decided "I'm not going to believe there is a god(s) anymore".  That is not exactly how it happened, especially since I never believed in a god to begin with.

From my earliest memories looking back I was never big on the whole "there is a god" thought.  My mom put me in a private school at one point in my life and I remember thinking how strange it was to talk to a person who wasn't there...I mean, after all, this was one of the reasons they put my mom in a mental hospital, she was talking to people who weren't there.  But, I was told "that is different".   And, it kind of freaked me out with the idea that some man I can't see can see me anytime, anywhere and know exactly what I am doing.  That just did not seem fair to me...and what about when I was in the shower??  It made me nervous!

My middle and high school years I felt like a duck out of water.  It seemed everyone I knew was religous....in order to not feel so out of place I began attending church...and what an extreme trip that was.  One friends church/pastor constantly told us that if we cut our hair we would burn in eternal flames.  holy shit that is crazy!  Then another church pastor talked about how if we wanted to be proper young ladies of christ  we would allow the men in our lives to make all decisions for us and let our fathers find the man we are to make happy.  What?!?  My mom started going to a church and the preacher there was all about men "striking down their women" when the time was called and informed my mother in front of the Sunday crowd she was too fat and if she wanted to attend services there she needed to buy better clothes.  Guess god doesn't like poor fat people?  Then in daily conversations there were the people who spoke illy of those in other religions, as if their religion is the only one/best one.  Seems odd....

Finally, when I was 10th grade, my grandparents took me to their church.  They felt I was beginning to "fall from grace" and was in need of god's light.  Ok.  This preacher was amazing.  I loved going, but the funny thing was, his sermons never spoke of god, or came out of the bible.  He spoke of how his life used to be, he was a druggie, alcoholic...life was bad for this man.  He spoke of how he sobered up (never mentioning god) and went to school.  How he met his wife and through hard work and dedication to their life together they grew closer.  He gave me hope for my own future and I wasn't even as bad as he was!!  Then he died of old age...and a new preacher came in his spot.  Spouting hate to gays, how they were spawn of the devil....how we needed to purify our souls....I was waiting for him to say we needed to drink the punch....seriously.

In my adult life I researched many other religions, knowing that the christian faith was just NOT for me.  It was super scary in my personal opinion.  But, as I researched it seemed like all had this kind of underlying rule that you had to believe in a god or gods.  Well, I must admit, that many a time I tried to force myself to do that.  I would pray and then laugh at myself.  It never made me feel better, just worse about the whole situation....I always felt better after I talked to Shaun...things always got better after that.

Then....one day, I was sitting on the couch with him, watching a tv show and I looked at him.  I said "honey, I believe I am atheist."  He gave a quizzical look and asked me why.  My reasons were that no matter how hard I tried, the idea of a person watching out for me seemed more far fetched than my dogs starting to talk to me in french.  That I never understood the need to empty my burdens to a thing who had no real ability to change my problems....when I can simply do it myself.  My husband was all smiles...as he is an atheist as well.  

It's funny...because the day I finally "came out" of my religious closet so to speak I had this amazing feeling....it was like a huge burden had been lifted off my chest.  Weird I know.  I explained it to a friend of mine and she went agasp saying that is exactly how she felt when she accepted christ...but was confused as to why I would feel such an uplifting thing as that when I had condemned myself to hell for eternity?  Dunno....But what I do know is that I am happier than I have ever been in my life, I'm not as stressed out as I was, and things just seem....right, now. 

So, I'm an atheist.  Apparently a natural born atheist.  And I am so happy with my life you just wouldn't believe it.

[Guinhyvar]

Jul. 28, 2009 at 3:08 PM

It's awesome when we, as humans, are alright with ourselves. No matter what it is, it feels really good.

[NannyB.]

Jul. 28, 2009 at 3:20 PM

I assure you that God is very real, but it is also true that He only reveals Himself to those who believe in Him and His Son Jesus Christ.  So I have no problem at all understanding why you feel the way that you do.  We can never find him by looking at the lives of others.  We find Him when we seek for Him with all our hearts. 

[MSugarKane]

Jul. 28, 2009 at 7:55 PM

If your taking the time to write such a long journal entry about this subject then deep down in your heart you haven't found your answer yet.   You wouldn't be questioning yourself or finding the desire to have to explain yourself.

[deadheadjen]

Jul. 28, 2009 at 8:09 PM I respectfully disagree, MSugarKane. I don't see it any differently than someone else's "testimony".

[KristiS11384]

Jul. 28, 2009 at 8:36 PM

.because the day I finally "came out" of my religious closet so to speak I had this amazing feeling....it was like a huge burden had been lifted off my chest.

 

 

I had this too. Before that I had been trying to convinvce myself to believe in something I didn't believe in. When I finally resolved to myself that there is no god everything became clearer. My dark clouds were lifted and I knew where to go from there.

[geminilove]

Jul. 29, 2009 at 9:41 AM I'm glad you're happy. I made my own journey, and while mine led on a different path, I'd like to think we're working on the same destination.

And I'm sorry some people have taken your post as a way to proselytize.

[BeanIrene1]

Jul. 29, 2009 at 10:22 AM

We all come to conclusions on our own I suppose. I am a Christ follower, so of course our conclusions are different.

I am glad you are happy, because that is what I want for the people I care about. And boy do I know you are happy.

I too am sorry some people have taken your post the wrong way. I do not believe you haven't reached your conclusion, it is just like a testimony. OBVIOUSLY you have reached your conclusion...and are no longer searching. To me that was what this journal was about.

[sherriet]

Jul. 29, 2009 at 11:10 AM

Finding your path is the most amazing feeling!  Good for you!

[Momma_Halo]

Jul. 29, 2009 at 4:20 PM

Bravo!

That was an awesome journal.

[truthrowan]

Jul. 29, 2009 at 6:11 PM

Great for you, and thanks for sharing . I have faith, you don't, and that's okay. I wish folks would get that. I think Atheists are often the nicest folks I know, them, the agnostics, the pagans and the Mormons, who are like THE most hated groups by religious people. God is hopefully a smart enough being if he's there that he doesn't care about religion, and understands if you don't feel him or believe, and if he doesn't, well, it doesn't hurt that some folks have extra motivation to behave better. Either way, we all have to live our lives the best we see fit, according to our hearts.