How do I get past...

[mierjo]

...this GUILT?? I feel guilty everyday for marrying my husband. I love him more than anything in the world and can't imagine my life without him but, my stepson would be so much happier if my boys and I had never come into their lives. Before us he had his daddy all to himself. Now he has to share him with me and my 2 boys everytime he sees him. He has to imagine what his daddy is doing with us when he is at his moms house. My husband has to feel bad that he is with us and not his son. I feel so bad for making his poor little boy so unhappy.

No, I am not a mean stepmom. I try to treat all the boys the same but, without us he wouldn't feel like he needed to compete for his dad's attention. I did not break up their family. My stepsons mom cheated on my husband and is now married to the man she cheated on him with. I wonder if he ever feels any guilt. I know I shouldn't feel bad for loving him and his dad but my heart just aches for him.

Any suggestions??

[7mom1977]

Jul. 29, 2009 at 11:47 AM

while i understand you feeling guilty, you need to know you shouldn't.  i felt so much guilt with my own sons due to the fact that i can't be with them every day because their father and i are divorced.  but you have to look at it this way-- my boys have a GOOD life.  they have it SOOO much better than i did as a child.  even tho i never had to go thru what they do, i had other things in life to deal with, as does EVERY child.  your ss may not like what he is going thru, BUT-- he is a kid!  and even if you hadn't come into his life, there would most definitely be something else that he would be unhappy about!  that's just how kids are, as i'm sure you know.  all it is, really, is your ss having a few more people in his life to care about him.  he may not see it that way, but as long as YOU know that, maybe it will help your guilt.  YOU are not responsible for all that has happened to that child, so don't put it on yourself!  hope i could help some :)  {{HUGS}}

[Nanette77318]

Jul. 29, 2009 at 2:21 PM

I think, what you may be describing is more 'compassion' and not so much 'guilt'.....huge difference in those two words. You adore that little heart and that adoration is overflowing as compassion for the hurts his little life is experiencing....THAT isn't guilt! Just do what you know to do in your mothering heart....love, love, love. I think it's great that you are feeling what you are....I mean....it's that ability to feel, or to place ourselves into the heart of another that compels us to love even more....He's lucky to have you in his life. : )

[glittersteph]

Jul. 30, 2009 at 10:14 AM

When my hubby and I got together my stepson was just turning 3. He is now 12. It has been a Looooong road, but I have learned a few things. He is very lucky to have you in his life. What the other moms before me are saying is very true. I have always been a friend to my stepson and I love him to pieces.

One thing that we did was have alone time with each of our kids. LOL we have 4 boys, so sometimes that could be a challenge.

We also made sure not to treat him any different then our other boys that live with us. Same rules, ect...

We also made sure my SS had his own space, away from his annoying little brothers and such :)

Good luck, you sound like a great Step-mom.