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depressed
- Jul 29, 2009 at 8:44 PM
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I stardted my moon yesterday,only day 20 of my cycle.I had weird spotting this month...i don't know what the heck is up with that.I am going to ramble as usual....I have been really depressed.I know they say depression is anger turned inward and that is likely true in my case.I have been struggling for so long now with all this anger:anger about the situationwith Koshari,anger about River's whoelw rok comp ordeal and all the ways that is imaocting us,angry at being so broke and trying to make my business profitable but held back by not having the funds to invest,anger at the school situation and myself for not just homeschooling,sooo much anger at Jamey.So all this anger,and trying so hard to let it go,focus on the things i can change and all that good stuff.But now i just feel exausted.Koshari had called at the beginning of june and i was hopeful that he would come home.He let me know that he can't live his dream here so he has no plans of coming back.I hadn't heard from him by phone or myspace in over 2 weeks and i was just starting to think about making another video to put on his myspace and the phone rang and it was him!!I got so happy and excited but that was shattered immediately whe he started cussing me out for 'calling the cops on his dad"he was yelling at me and i finally got him to calm down..i had been saying 'i don't know what you are talking about.i havn;t done anyhting that i didn't laready tell you about'.basically,it sounded like the police went to jamey's home to serve him papers from the child support enforcement agency which really had nothing to tdo with me.i explained to him that when he was in california my inlaws put him on the state insurance and so they were going after Jamey for child support.I guess he realized i was telling the truth and kind of apoligized and then told me he had to get off the phone since his battery was going to die.
I was so crushed,and to make it worse the 19 yr old WWOOFER had just arrived the day before.I just didn't want to have to talk to anyone ,let alone a total stranger.I was lsoing it by dinner time and unable to hold back the tears anymore ,so river made the kids dinner and i asked him to talk to Brian about what was going on with me so he wouldn't take it personally.Brian is a whole nother story and fortunately is leaving in another 2 days.He obviously had no real interest in learning about growing food,living off grid etc.The first night here he asked River if he could just pay rent.The kid must have had everything done for him grwoing up.It has been like having another child,and i have been pretty pissed at River.I never really wanted to agree to having a wwoofer come out in the first place but he really felt like he needed the help.and he does,we do.But when you have to babysit a 19 yr old to make sure they are actually working it isn't worth it.It has been stressful to say the least.He had asked if we had internet for him and River had told him before he came out that he could come to our hourse to check his email a couple times a week and he would also try and set it up in the cabin.It didn't work out for him to use it in the cabin cause his computer was too slow,so he was constantly wanting to come up and use it in the living room,which was interfering with the kids bedtimes etc.Anyway..what is my point??That River promised me if it wasn't working out with a wwoofer he would give them the boot.Itold river i didn't want to have to deal with any drama etc.River had told brian several times after his first week that if he NEEDED to use the internet,he needed to ask first and also do it during the day.in his second week here,one night it was about 9:30,thwe kids are in bed and River issleeping while i watch a movie.I hear Brian go into the house and wake up River and ask him to go deal with it(he was clearly clearly told NOT to come up at night).River finally got up at almost 10 and went over and told him he shoudln't be up here.Then River went out to the yard to go pee,and the i hear a soft knocking on my bedroom door.I couldn't believe brian would actually be knocking and ignored it.He starts knocking again then i think it must be one of the kids woken up and i better go see what is wrong before they wake Mana up!Sure enough,there is Brian at my door trying to ask me something.I was like Brian,Man ais sleepig .do not come to my door at night.talk to river!I was so pissed.I wanted River to kick him out the next day..i mean i don't care if he can't remember simple rules!yOU DON'T COME INTO MY HOUSE AT NIGHT WITH KIDS SLEEPING.I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU!Boy,iam still pissed.Anyway,obviously River didn't kick him out.I could write a book about this past month,but i am realziing i need to have ANOTHER talk with River.I really hate having a starnger come and stay with us,and now we have two more coming tonight.I feel more optimistic about them thoough.2 young college kids,who are in a relationship.When River happened to tell Filishea we had homebirths apparently she was very excited and told river she wants to be a midwife.They said tehy ahve no interest in being online and want to spend as much time as they can outside when they are not working.
Anyway,now Mana is back and demanding boobie.i can hardly handle nursing anymore.He is on me all nigth and i am exausted.I really want to wean him but can't bring myslef to yet.ok.BOOBIE BOOBIE BOOBIE is winning!!
Comments:
yikes....so sad to hear about all of that...if it's any consolation, I don't know anyone who wouldn't be angry at all of those things....praying for peace....
oh yeah..i forgot to add that koshari did end up calling back that night and it was a very upsetting call..that was why i ended up in my room and asking River ti make dinner.Koshari made it super clear that since he didn't have freedom to do things like HITCHHIKE to go surfing,he would not come back.ugh.i ended up blowing it really badly,and telling him that all the years i said i did not hate his dad,well now i freaking do!i was hysterical and river asked me to let him talk to him since he hadn't been able to since he ran away,and he said it went well.Even river was crying that night.
Oh Stardove, I love you. Anger is such a heavy burden. I am thinking of you. I think your boarder should go. I hope the next ones will be good. And Koshari...I have hope still that in time...things will work out. I so wish it could be easier for you. Just keep pouring it out. Maybe it helps a little. Hugs, S
I agree with Susan, keep pouring it out. I should do that more, with my "stuff."
I hope the new situation with the couple works out as well as it sounds like it could. I understand that you and River are caught between a rock and a hard place.
I'm glad that River could talk to K. I have wondered what their relationship is like, and how he (R) feels/thinks about the situation.
Hang in there, mama.
P.S. I have read that there are times in the twos that are nearly-impossible for weaning, just not advised to introduce the idea in conjunction with whatever else is going on developmentally. I definitely remember going through those times (the insane intensity) and realizing that it would be a losing battle, or at least a definite BATTLE, to try anything then. I don't remember the specifics but I have seen an online friend of mine comment on it many times when people were venting about their child's intensity & obsession at various ages....she would point out the "classic" fussy stage age they were at, and how it was best not to introduce things like potty training or weaning during that time...not a good window.
Maybe Mana will chill, impossible as it seems. I'd bet that he is compensating heavily with boobie for whatever stresses or "ails" him in life. lol, good as his life must seem, I bet it comes with stresses. At the very least, he can make you TURN to him, literally. I'm sorry that it's all night long.
I'm not saying don't wean, just saying maybe it's particularly frustrating right now because he's in one of those "times." Though with Ocie, the phases always seemed long (long enough not to be "phases." ha)
Wow mamma- let it flow- those damn anger monkeys are messing with your head, heart and spirit. Mana is directly linked to you spiritually and if you are in turmoil he is in turmoil. Nursing is a place of peace and bliss. Dont you wish you had a boobie sometimes? What I can offer is 2 homeopathic remedies. Sepia is wonderful for mood swings and motherswort to help get your moons on a good schedule as well as emotional stuff. Good Luck- and were all here to listen!
Sending lots of love to you, mama.
I hope that this new couple is more help to you then the last kid. Hoepfully he doesnt stick around much longer.. What a pain!
I too still have hope for you, Koshari, and your future together. It will come in time. I can feel it. Lots of love!!
I'm so sorry, Stardove. I agree- you do have a lot to be angry about. I don't know how you feel about astrology but, I have been "into" it again lately and reading new books. I have had some new thoughts on anger and processing it. If you're interested in hearing, email me.
motherwort did wonders for me when quinn was first born. my mw told me it was for "whenever you feel overwhelmed"..... just to second what mamajyme said.
i think you are well justified in asking river to have brian leave... i hope the couple does well. i have been wondering how things were going with crops and such and whether you had help at all with that.
i agree with the others- keep pouring it out, mama. love you!
How is the couple working out? Praying that they do, that they relieve your stress in some small way, and work within the boundries that you give them.
Hoping for the best for you and your family!
Love Much, Katherine
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oh hang in there dear!
- massagegiftmom
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