I Miss You Mom ! xoxoxoxox

[purlpeclover]

My mom was a great and wonderful person and a great Mom.... At 90 years of age she left me on June 24th, 2009. I was her only child and I had so much love from her all my life and feel that I should've given back so much more than I did. I was there for her all the time except for when I was far from her in CA her here in MI and then one other time I was in the UP for 1 year then moved back to a 20 min drive from her home to mine. I lost my dad 12 years ago this December 19th and to this day I still have a difficult time looking at his pictures, I can't at my mom's as it is still too fresh at her loss  - Her dog Molly ( in the picture) is now mine and we all love her a LOT- she'd be 13 this Nov 13th (my mom's birthday) and I know she must miss her terribly too even through all the LOVE and ATTENTION that she gets from all of us and I can see in her  at times - if she could say..."So... Where's mom? Why am I still at your house?" I mis my mom SO MUCH !  I have a million "moments'" and being so used to talking to her on the phone giving her the TV listings for the night, or telling her to watch channel(?) or calling her to warn her of a storm headed our way or even to just tell her how the kids are and find out what she wanted for dinner on Sunday ( Our "family dinner night) At 90 her health turned for the worse when she lost major circulation in her legs and eventually in April she had to have her right leg amputated from which she never really recovered but the stress of it all advanced her demencia so tremendously that she didn't remember anything for days and then a brief moment of "today" on any day. I had agreed ( for her sake) that I would not put her into a nursing home -"That's just for old people" she would say. After her surgery, she did have to go to a Rehab/ Home  and thankfully she didn't realize that she was there. She was terribly unhappy there and the demencia grew stronger - She was ready to come home - Then the day she was scheduled to come home she spiked a 103 temp so she was transported back to the hospital 2 weeks later she was able to come home with 24/7 Home Care, which I provided for her. Everyday she slipped away more and more and got to the point that she started not recognizing family and friends and not remembering her visitors. I had arranged a hospital bed showers and PT 24/7 care "angels" that were wonderful - Thank Go for them ! 1 week later she had to be transported back to the hospital and I spent 5 days and 4 nights around the clock with her as she continued to slip away from me... I made music cd's of all her favorites - The Mill's Brothers, Nat King Cole, Michael Buble', etc I hoped that she would hear it and make her feel more comfortable where she didn't want to be. She wanted so much to die at home, but that wish would never be able to be fulfilled - I am sorry for that, but I don't think the care givers were ready for that should it happen on their shift. As it was on my 5th night to stay with her, the D.'s came in and said it's looking like 24 hours no more than 48 for her to be with me. I made all the calls I didn't want to have to make and the 1st was to my oldest daughter in Chicago - "if you want to say goodbye to grandma you better come now as soon as you are able" She came in about 6 hrs. later and told me "I'll stay with grandma if that's ok with you, you need your rest" I told her "call me! No Matter What Time" call me!"  "ok- I will" I left the hospital at 6:00 pm and at 12.40 am my daughter called me and said" She's gone" I exclaimed "When!? What Time!" "12:25 I have to go now, I can't stay here anymore" I said "I'm coming to the hospital" I'll be right there" "I can't stay I can't be here now" "I understand". Having no car that offered me transportation I called my neighbor and she was lending me her car to get to the hospital and I had just finished telling my oldest son about grandma and he said "'ll be right there and we'll all go together"  That we..... walking down that oh so familiar hallway seeing the nurses that were so attentive to my mom and me.... the last door on the right of that long walk this final time... we reached the doorway and it was so silent, the music was off and there she was.... silent, still and I could hardly catch my breath... afraid and so sad I slowly made it to her side... tears welling and heart beating I told her.. "Mom... I Love You" " I Wish Yo Peace and Happiness".. Tell Daddy I Love I and Miss Him terrible too" My knees began to go weak and I couldn't refrain from crying so hard it seemed as if I was howling while tring to catch my breath.... Seeing her for those 5 days, whispering in her ear that it was " to go now mom - go to daddy be with him and your family and friends now, theyre there waiting to welcome you home." As I walked away from her in silence and tears... as prepared as I thought I was nothing I could've done would've prepared me. Hallway to the elevator, down to the main floor out to the parking lot looking up to the night sky filled with bright shining stars, I immediately saw the The Big Dipper and nest to it seemed to be the full moon. I watched that all the way home through the car window and cried till I thought I couldn't any more and even now, writing here, the tears fill my eyes and the typing is slow. Again, I will go through the First Thanksgiving,The Fist Christmas without her this time and even though it'll be 12 yrs for my dad?  It's harder now with them both gone. I am alone now in my heart in my head - My mom got to  her 5th Great Grandchild before she passed away... my 2nd oldest -her wedding, but today we missed her for my youngest child, her 17th Birthday. Now I have the duty of all her belongings, all her papers everything that has to be done and finalized. I think of her so often that, I find myself wanting to call her and fill her in on anything - something I know that would make her laugh or smile....at 56 years old, a single mom of 2 teens a mom of 5 all together and a grandmother of 5... I have never felt so alone and empty. Time does heal - I've experienced that but I don't want to experience it again, but I have no choice but to. I LOVE YOU MOM !  I MISS YOU, I WISH YOU WERE HERE ! I wish you could've remembered me, my face and name before you had to leave me. God, take care of for me please.. and Daddy - I LOVE YOU and Still MISS YOU TOO - stay close to mom show here the Glories of God and Jesus - Let the Angels know her kid heart and soul. In Jesus' Name - Amen

[efeyer25]

Jul. 31, 2009 at 5:35 AM

Aww, I am so sorry for you hun. I know you will miss her terribly but just know she is in a better place. She lived a long, full life & now can go be with your dad & they can watch over you & the rest of your family together. She has no more pain. You did the best any daughter could possibly do at taking care of her during her last days here on Earth & she will ALWAYS love you for that.

I will keep you & your family in my prayers as you go through this hard time in your lives. I am here if you ever need someone to talk to. Take care!

[Aasiyah]

Jul. 31, 2009 at 5:43 AM

im very sorry for your loss.