I didn't want to go

[mp3mom]

I really didn't want to go back to work, nor was I really ready at the time, last March. I'm still not.

What prompted me to return is twofold. The foremost concern of mine was that my father was going to have me participate in some state funded rehab program for recovering bipolars, if indeed one exists; my doctor at one time eluded to such a thing. Well, there is no way under the sun am I ever entertaining such a thought, let alone participating in one. To prevent that from happening, the only alternative was to return to my previous employ.

My other concern was that, after the fire and rebuild of the salon, that they might hire someone new; I wanted to be at the ready. I felt somewhat confident that I was stable enough to return; in fact, I was actually a bit excited to get back. I know that sounds contrary to what I stated. It also had to do with my feelings of self-worth. I'd begun, during my mania, to feel worthless as a person. I felt a great desire to validate myself. The absolute only way I even know how to do that in a monetary fashion is this. I felt validation could be monetary.

What I did not know was that two of the three owners really did not want to take me back, even though one of those two has a father who is Schizophrenic, assuming she'd be sympathetic. I was under twelve weeks of a trial period, which is sceptical as to weather or not I was totally aware of that or not. The one owner who really was on my side was always the least of my hang out friends, ironically. She has been very supportive; she inquires about how I'm feeling without prying. She is encouraging and complimentative with my work without appearing to be looking over my shoulder. I truly respect her.

Every Thursday I start obsessing about getting ready to go to work on Friday. I only work 3-7. And that's only if I have clientele to even do, otherwise, I don't go in. I have to polish my nails. Big deal right? I have to get an outfit together. My clothes are crammed insided my closet, so I have to dig something out to spay it off, yes I said spray, I do not iron. I get out Saturday's clothes too. Just in case I have to work.

I actually don't find out if I work on Friday until 1:00 p.m. on Friday....that's the way it goes... someone could call, but we draw the line there. If no one has called, I'm off. Then I'm on to Saturday. I usually go in... anything can happen... we've been getting walk-ins, so I've been going in... sometimes, I'm actually booked :)

I can't believe I lost my clientele. I was out of work 10 months....home fighting with meds. Oh well. Nothing to be done about it, just nice to get it off my chest, I guess. I fight with myself every week. I DON"T WANT TO GO! Sometimes when I get there, I'm ok. I shake REALLY bad from the meds....that stinks. I really hope that goes away. I should be grateful... I have a job. I can still make someone happy.

 

[shutterflywitch]

Dec. 28, 2009 at 10:20 PM

You make plenty of people happy, you even resurrect them from a place of unknowing, just look at me love....my favorite saying these days are I don't want too and you cannot make me~

[mp3mom]

Dec. 29, 2009 at 2:17 AM

Wow.

 

(Original Poster)