Shank me

[emubren]

***Disclaimer- I am is not responsible for any carnivores becoming vegetarians by the end of this post***

"Choosing bone-in meat products and carving them at home can be an economical way to serve meat to your family."


Yeah.

Um, fuck you.  And fuck your "economical ways".  And fuck the cow you practiced on to come up with this idea, 'cuz that block o' bovine must have been the most butterific bit of beefy texture that's ever trod this planet.

Did someone give you a can of SPAM and, as you sliced and diced, you thought, "Hell, it's kind of made of meat so ALL meat must be this easy to chop up into edible bits?"

Did you even think about carving pork?

Most specifically, a 4 pound picnic roast.

I paid for a huge freakin' chunk of pig bone.  I'll fully cop to occasional cavewoman-ish behavior, but I skipped the "marrow forks" option when selecting my wedding registry, and it's a damnsure bet that I'm not going to crack open that puppy and munch away.  Economical, my ass.

My Rada sharpener is huddled in a corner of the kitchen whimpering.

Do you realize how fucking hard it is to motate, rotate, lift, and spin a four pound chunk of 38 degree pig?  It'll be economical to spend money on a doctor visit when I've thrown out my back in an ill-thought, one-handed attempt to save said pig when it attempts to slip the surly bonds of this earth and instead flomps to the floor with a meaty *thud*.  Yeah, 'cuz the next-best-thing for dinner is Vicodin.

My previously impressive and highly functional Chicago Cutlery knives have declared themselves only on PB & J duty from now on.  They've been cowed by pork.

Do you know how much fat is on a 4 pound picnic roast?  Well, if I ate all that fat, the truest answer would be somewhere around half a shit-ton.  Why yes, I could skim the fat while cooking, but I'd need a paddle the size of an aircraft carrier and six hours to stand next to the CrockPot.  I'm also not Jack Sprat's wife, so it needs to go, and it was a lot of going.  About 25 minutes worth of carve, carve, slice, look, and FUCK, THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!

Y'know what I've got now?  I've got about two-ish pounds of pork bubbling away in a CrockPot in merry anticipation of being kick-ass sandwiches.  Heaven knows I got my ass kicked getting 'em there.

I've also got a two pound scarf of pig fat chilling out in my fridge looking like the world's worst idea for edible clothing.

I think I'll mail it to the carve-at-home nitwits as a victory ribbon.

[cleanaturalady]

Aug. 4, 2009 at 6:30 PM

Its easier to take off the bone after you cook it. :)

[HistoryMamaX3]

Aug. 4, 2009 at 8:19 PM

Um- I totally have to agree with Kim... Bake then shake, it'll pretty much just fall off that there bone. :0)

[HistoryMamaX3]

Aug. 4, 2009 at 8:19 PM

But your story had me in tears! lol

[Fistandantalus]

Aug. 5, 2009 at 9:34 AM

Are these the same "home economists" who suggest that one put perfume on a lightbulb to "chase away unwanted odors"?  I don't know if they're using some kind of ogre-strength perfume or if the "odors" they're used to working with aren't as pervasive as Multi-Cat Catbox With Garbage Top Note, all I do know is that my fire insurance went up.