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My Journey into Motherhood....
- Aug 4, 2009 at 6:32 PM
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- Comments (2) Total Views (96) Everyone can see this journal post.
"I don't want to have kids, If that changes I will just adopt!"
Yup, that is a direct quote from me when I was 18 years old! I was one of those girls who didn't think about having babies or even being a wife.
I was going to be an actress, a veterinarian or an award winning chef! Kids did not fit into my equation.
I was also still a virgin!(Shocking, I know)
My views on children stayed this way until I was 23 years old.
At 23 years old, I met a boy at a party. I was slightly interested but I was also drunk. Needless to say, he took advantage of the fact that I was drunk. That night I lost my virginity.(had it stolen rather)
I was so confused and hurt. I didn't know what to do. This was the second time in my life that I had something like this happen to me. I was molested by a family friend when I was 7 years old. For some reason I was sucked right into this guys controlling and abusive world.
Things got even worse when I found out 4 weeks later that I was pregnant. I was lost. My family did not know the things that I was hiding inside. So my mother and my grandmother started pushing marriage on me. Not wanting to disappoint my family and thinking that this was as good as it was gonna get, I reluctantly agreed. It was November 2004.
Our wedding was set for January 29th 2005. On January 3, 2005, I suffered a misscarriage. It was horrible. It was one of the worst things that I have ever been through. On January 5, 2005 I under went a D & C. I was a wreck, not to mention, I was constantly withdrawing from friends and family due to abuse.
I should have called off the wedding then but I couldn't. My mother had already spent 5,000 dollars, which to our family is alot! So, I reluctantly let everything continue as planned.
On January 29th 2005, I got married. My then husband started to show his true colors at the wedding reception where he got drink beyond belief, yelled at me in front of my family and peed his pants. I was mortified.
The abuse continued. Verbal and physical. There was also the drug problem that was surfacing. Money missing from our bank account that couldn't be explained. Our belongings disappearing. It was torture.
February 2005, I again became pregnant. I suffered another miscarriage after being shoved into a wall.
April 2005, I became pregnant again and suffered a very early miscarriage. My doctor said it was due to stress and becoming pregnant to soon.
July 2005, I became pregnant yet again. This time I was careful. I stayed away from him as much as possible. At 10 weeks along, he punched me in the stomach. I started bleeding a couple hours later while with my mother. I was rushed to the hospital, I was in hysterics, I thought I had lost another baby.
The doctors had to sedate me due to my mental state at the moment. They took me into the ultrasound room and started the US. I couldn't even look, I just laid there and cried. The technician told me I needed to look, so I did and that is when I saw the baby! Still there, still alive. I couldn't believe it.
So, I was placed in the hospital for 2 days and diagnosed with a "Threatened Miscarriage". Once they were sure that I was not miscarrying they sent me home on partial bed-rest.
I should have left him right then and there, but as some people know an abusive relationship is like a knot that seems impossible to untie.
Somehow, I made it through 8 months of pregnancy. I had my amnio done and was induced at 37 weeks. On March 2nd 2006, my beautiful baby boy entered the world. He was absolutely perfect! At that moment, my life was meaningful!
I was sent home after 4 days in the hospital because of my c-section. When I got home, I was on pain medication and I noticed that it seemed to disappear quite fast. That is when I discovered that he was stealing my medication!
1 day after being released from the hospital, I was in intense pain and sent back to the hospital with a mass on my c-section site. I was diagnosed with Staph infection and had to be on severe antibiotics and pain medication. I had to have a pic line inserted and had a nurse coming to my house daily to drain my abscess and administer my iv medication. It was the WORST thing I had been through, I couldn't even sit up to feed my baby and he couldn't be close to my wound because of the severity of the infection. I wanted to die.
But I didn't, I made it through. After 3 months of medication, cauterization and 2 more surgeries, I was getting back to normal.
1 month after that, the abuse escalated. I was being severely beat daily. It happened to be around the same time that my pain medication was done with. Coincidence? I think not.
After one beating, in which I was hospitalized, my best friends came to my house after I was released from the hospital. They took my then husband out in the backyard and beat the shit out of him.
The next day, I let him pack a bag of clothing, took my last 300 dollars and put his ass on a bus to TN. I sent him home to his mother, I never wanted to see him again.
Funny thing is, I got my wish. I never heard from him or saw him again. He never sent a birthday card and didn't even respond to any of the Divorce papers.
I am now divorced from the asshole and have sole legal and physical custody of my son. I am also in a wonderful relationship with the greatest guy that I have ever known.
He doesn't judge me because of past mistakes and he accepts my son as his own!
I wrote this so that maybe it will help someone, anyone.
If you are in an abusive relationship, trust me, I understand the tangled web that you feel like you are stuck in. Just remember, you are never alone and someone always has a pair of scissors to cut you out.
Peace and Love.
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Yeah I get where you are coming from. I am in a abusive relationship right now and I know that the abuse won't stop anytime soon but I have no where to go. No friends or family, so I am just waiting to become financially independent and then we are planning on getting a divorce afterwards. He has already told me that he doesn't love me anymore. He wants a divorce too, but also wants to have another baby. Crazy. Anyway. I am soo glad that everything worked out for you for the best and that you are soo happy now.
- PinkBugz
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