Needing to vent...

[denairmemories]

It is almost 1:30 am and I have to work in the morning but can not sleep. I can not turn my mind off. I am hoping that this will help me.
My husband has been out of work since Dec. He looks everyday and is trying really hard. In the mean time we have been without insurance and we have 4 children who need things with school starting on Monday. Last week I got really sick. So bad that I could not hardly walk. I was in so much pain that I was crying. Something I do not do. Especially if I think my children may see me. My family(outside family) kept telling me to go to the doctor. I tell them I don't have money and I don't have insurance. They respond Rod (my so) just needs to get a job or Sami (my oldest dh) just needs to get a job. HELLO!! People are looking for jobs every where. I am the type of person that does anything for anyone. They call me to baby sit for a day, week, in some cases longer, I do it. They need someone to help them move, I do it. They need someone to watch their dog. I do it. Can't handle their teenage daughter, send them my way for a few months until things cool down. What the heck I already have 4 kids, what is one more. Well my husband and I have a home based business that we are trying to work. It is multi level marketing. It is a good company but like all of those types of businesses you have to really work at them and they are not easy. Well all of my family and my husbands knows that we have this business. They know what services we offer and the situation our family is in. We offer services that they use everyday and I swear if one more person calls me because they are excited because they just got satellite TV, or a new cell phone, or a new anything we offer I may go postal. Seriously, they call me for every little thing and all I have EVER asked any of them for is please be my customer or let me come show the business to a few of their friends so I can try and get customers that way. If you are already paying for local and long distance, go through me. If you need a new cell phone, go through me. Do they? NO! They call me telling me how they got it somewhere else because it was a good deal. Of course I point out how it would have been FREE through me or how they could have saved so much more through me. Do they care? NO! I am so angry. I am tired of being the nice guy! I am tired of bending over backwards to help people and they refuse to help me. I am not asking them to do anything they don't already do. I am not asking them to spend any money they would not normally spend. All I am asking them to do is help my family. Their own family. I feel so defeated. I know I am just feeling sorry for myself. I never do that but I just hit a wall. I am so tired of always giving of myself. I am tired of my relationships with my friends and family (outside family) always being one sided. I am REALLY tired of crying!! I never do this! I am the one who always looks at the silver lining yet right now can not find it. I don't even know if any of this makes sense. I am totally not myself.
If you took the time to read all of this, which I personally will not be surprised if no one does. Please pray for me. I am totally lost and defeated right now. I know we are suppose to give it to God. I know that. I just don't think I believe it right now. I am so ashamed to even say that.
Have a good night or day what ever the case may be.