My feelings about my divorce

[AmberNicoley]

I don't really know what to think about all this I keep thinking I'll wake up and it'll all be a bad dream. Sometimes I am ready to let go cause I remember how bad he pisses me off but then I think about how bad I just really wanta be a family. We where together sense I was 14 (10 years) and we have 3 beautiful babies together and to think of him being anything but mine drives me nuts it makes me physically ill. I just wanta wake up and have it be all over. I am trying to keep things civil and not fight over the boys but EVERYONE says I should get a lawyer but we have agreed not to and I wanta trust him but everyone is telling me I cant trust him I'm so scared I don't know what to do. My boys are all I have left I cant afford to lose them but I don't wanta have a big custody battle either.  If his dumb ass would just come back I wouldn't have to worry about any of it. I'd put up with him checking my phone every night, calling me names everyday and him not letting me have friends just so I didn't have to go through all this. He may have been an ass to me but hes a pretty good daddy and that's hard to find. AND this loneliness stuff DRIVES ME NUTS! I hate it!! And it makes it even worse to think who is ever gonna want a girl who already has 3 kids. I dono I hate talking to any of my family about all this cause they just tell me what I need to do and don't need to do and it annoys me but on the same note I don't know what to do so I needed to talk about it so thank God for Cafe mom.....  

[Ewadun]

Sep. 27, 2009 at 12:47 PM

So are you divorced or just separated. I've now been separated, not legally, for 10 years. I remember having to get used to sleeping alone, trying to not imagine what he was doing or who he was with. I had to learn all over again that I was a woman first, before I became a wife. When did I lose my own identity? I had to learn at social events not to feel lonely in a crowded room. Become comfortable in my own skin. I had depended on him so much, that it was a challenge for me to update my job and dating skills. Buy adult toys, heh heh to keep the lust at bay. I had to BE the example for my children. Remake my home so that it reflected only my personality, etc.