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Want to grow your church? Try being more welcoming.
- Aug 9, 2009 at 2:27 PM
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- Comments (7) Total Views (199) Everyone can see this journal post.
After a year away, I accompanied my husband to church with our 3 children. A little background...
My husband and I have different religious beliefs. The children and I attend my church and then, when my husband is home, he will bring the children to his church. We all used to attend his church, for a couple of years we attended. But after feeling like I was being taken advantage of (as I was one of the few who would follow through on the obligation to watch the children in the nursery) and feeling unwelcome because I was a mother of three children and many wanted absolute silence. I felt even more cut off while the older children were in the children's church and I was in the cry room/nursery with the youngest child. I could see the service but never hear the service as the speakers in the cry room were inoperable.
But, after a year away, I decided to accompany my husband and children at church this morning. We had a wonderful morning at home. The kids had breakfast and we were all smiles and laughter. We piled into the van, stopped to put some fuel in the car and we were off.
We got there early. We walked in, took an order of service, and found some seats (easy, did I mention we were about 20 minutes early? I thought it would take longer at the gas station). Anyway, the kids were chatting, quietly, but service hadn't started yet. Once service started, everyone settled down, sat down and was quiet (except for Nafeeza giving random and quiet hugs and kisses).
Once the children's story started, the boys (Liam and Ascher) headed up to liten to the story. Nafeeza stayed at the seats with my husband and myself. She's only 2 (turning 3 in a month and a half though) and still has trouble leaving mommy and daddy. She was standing in the row and silently playing with my hands and my husband's. I was so proud of her! So quiet and happy! Maybe things will be better than the last time we were at the church.
My hopes were dashed during the children's story (all of about 3 minutes). Nafeeza was being very quiet but the woman sitting behind us felt compelled to say "SSSSHHHH!" Loudly. And glaring at her. You'd think we were in the first row or something, she was so upset, but we were only 3 rows from the back. Ok, ignore it.
The children's story was over and the older kids went to their children's classes (bye Liam and Ascher! Have fun and behave! LOL). Nafeeza was sitting with my husband and myself, playing happily and very quietly. She was hardly saying anything and when she did, it was in a very quiet whisper that I could barely hear. She let out a giggle or two. Then the speaker misspoke and laughed off her pronunciation of "microphone." The woman who had previously "shushed" my daughter proceeded to loudly exclaim "microscope! Ha ha ha!" I really wanted to turn around a "shush" her, but I didn't. I did not want to stoop to her level.
Only 15 minutes into the service and Nafeeza is being so well behaved. Playing, almost silently, with the toys from her backpack, tapping my hands in a 2 year old game she made up herself, climbing up to give me and my husband hugs and kisses. I could not have been prouder with how well she was behaving.
Someone else got up to speak. Now, through all of this the microphones have not been working very well but even I could hear what was being said (and I am hearing impaired for those who do not know, my right ear doesn't work... oddly enough, the speaker was on my right side and I still heard what he was saying, a wonderful tribute to his church family). But apparently my child's quiet playing was still interfering with the woman behind us. But this time, instead of a simple "SSSHHH!" she said, "I can't hear over her talking like that." Excuse me? What talking! My daughter was barely making a sound.
I looked at my husband, took my daughter's hand, picked up my purse, and walked out. We went right back to the cry room (even in the year I haven't been there, the speaker is apparently still broken). I put my purse down and picked my daughter up while I sat down and started crying.
My husband came in a couple of seconds later. I apologized for leaving so quickly but I couldn't go through this again. See, that's one of the reasons I stopped going a year ago. This complete disregard by many members of the congregation, for those of us with children. We want to be involved, we want to hear the service, we want to participate, but we feel forced out of the sanctuary by those who want adults only. It doesn't help when the nursery is also very tiny and we cannot hear the speakers in there either because of broken speakers.
My husband spoke up for me in the sanctuary. He told me he had stood up and told that woman, "She hasn't been here for a year because of the conduct of the people in this congregation, conduct such as yours. It took me a year to get her to come back."
That about sums it up.
It was conduct such as hers that helped push me out the door a year ago. I did not want to be a part of a church that doesn't welcome families and children. Children are wonderful! They are the future, they are full of life and smiles. They are the future of the church, unless you start pushing the parents out by making them feel unwelcome because of childish prattle and giggles.
My church is more understanding of children in church. I make sure to come prepared too (crayons and coloring books, notebooks and stickers, pencils and games... each of my kids has their own bag full of supplies. But there are still babbles from various ages coming from the back and sides of the sanctuary. No one pays any attention to the kids, except the parents. Actually, we get more looks of smiles and giggles from the other adults than glares and nasty comments.
So, after a year away, I am still feeling unwelcome at the church that my husband brings our children too. Even though my husband and I wanted to hear the service, we spent the time wandering the grounds with our daughter and playing with her on the playground.
No one WANTS to interrupt a service. No one WANTS their child to act out during service. But it is bound to happen. Most parents are not going to just sit there while their child is screaming bloody murder and disturb the service for everyone. Most parents have more sense than that. If a child starts to act up a parent will usually act quickly to remove the child from the situation to avoid interrupting service for the rest of the congregants. But when a child is being quiet and playing happily, enjoy it! Instead of grumping and scowling, let out a little giggle at the crazy antics that kids can do. Instead of being mean and rude, think about the parents of that child. Is the child behaving? Let the child alone. Is the child being quiet? Leave the child alone. Is the child playing happily? Leave the child alone. Are the parents being responsible and trying to keep the child quiet so as not to disturb the rest of the congregants? Leave the child alone.
Here's some ideas if you want to grow your own church congregation...
1) stop pushing out parents with children. Make them feel welcome. If it takes the pastor getting up and giving a sermon, telling the congregants that the children are the future and we should respect the parents and be more understanding... so be it.
2) be more understanding about children. If you want to make parents feel welcome, you need to welcome the children as well (in our case, our youngest is really too big for the nursery but too little for the Sunday school) and the members of the congregation need to be more understanding about the little noises that children can (and usually will) make.
3) make sure all of your microphones and speakers are working properly. If necessary, raise the speaker volume slightly to be heard above the quiet sounds of child prattle.
4) arrange for certain sections to be for parents with children ONLY. Label a couple of rows (end seats are important for those who may need to make a quick escape with a suddenly yelling toddler) towards the back of the sanctuary. Someplace where the families still feel welcome and part of the service, but close enough to an exit that should a child need to leave, they can make a quick escape.
5) do not take advantage of the parents with children by roping them into working the nursery every, single week. Try a rotating schedule so that all of the parents work the nursery but they can also hear the sermon a couple of times a month. And if the same parent seems to get stuck in the nursery week after week after week... offer to step in and take over, then speak to the person in charge of the scheduling.
6) make sure speakers in the cry room/nursery are working properly so that parents that do take their children out, can still hear the service.
7) consider the parents and children when planning church activities such as potlucks. Children are messy. If you do not have adequate room to seat everyone, make a rule that children and the elderly get first dibs on the seating that IS available (will also help to keep from having to clean up messy, childish spills).
8) children have less patience than adults, don't always give in but be more accommodating. If you are having a potluck, make a standing rule that parents with children and the elderly can go through the line first so that the children can be seated and happily eating, instead of crying that they are hungry. This is especially important if you, more often than not, have far less food than is needed to feed the number of people staying to eat. Let the parents with children go through first so the youngest (and generally the ones who can yell the loudest from displeasure) get the best selection and aren't left with the brown goop that no one wants to eat.
Sorry, felt the need to vent a little this afternoon. I have more to say on this topic but I think I have said enough for right now. Maybe later I will come back and edit and add to this piece. Hope you all have a better afternoon than my morning was.
Comments:
I'm glad your husband was there for you. Exclusion in any form is unsettling.
Stay inspired!
I am sorry you had to deal with this Barb, how awful. I am of the mindset, of "let the children come unto me...." adults were driving children away even back then.
Thanks y'all. It was very disheartening to see that after a year, things haven't changed. We had told the pastor why we were leaving. I am very happy with my church. The people, the community, the family. The families with young children are active and vocal and we have even more planned and are trying to work with the church board to get done. I wish things were like that for my husband's church.
Loved reading your post! Sounds like Nafeeza was VERY well behaved during service and that lady just had her own issues. She's the one who misbehaved IMHO! My son is 2.5 yrs old and no way could he sit through even ten mins. of service this past year.. BUT.. the nursery at my UU church is appropriate for kids up to age 3 - Sunday School age.. and is MORE appropriate for the 2 yr olds.. The babies up to age 1 or so are better in church service with the parents, though parents can take them to the nursery themselves. We have a paid nursery staff of two full time during service and coffee hour.. But there are no speakers to listen to service if you're in the nursery with a baby or child.
I kept Nicholas with me in church the first year from 3 months up to 1 yr.. and he was great then.. He made sounds, laughs, giggles, and comments out loud, but we didn't have anyone complain.. mostly comments on how much they loved the sound of children. We took him out when he got very cranky, but it wasn't often. Well, then he learned to walk and all bets were off. :)
AngelWendyMama, that's how the UU church in Knoxville was (we were members there until we moved up here 3 years ago). They had the nursery (I don't think there were paid staff though) and a large cry room (with working speakers) and RE for those 3 and up. It was wonderful. But there is no nursery at this church and only a teeny-tiny cry room (about 7 feet by 7 feet) crammed with a changing table, pack n play, toys and chairs. You can barely move in there, it is stiffling.
The people in Knoxville, rarely (if ever) complained about children babbling. My oldest went to church for the first time when he was only 6 days old. My daughter, when she was 5 days old. Both at TN Valley UU Church. I wish this church was as friendly with the little ones. I do not feel welcome at all at the church here and that is sad. My husband and I are different religions and I want to kids to learn about his too but I do not feel comfortable bringing the kids there. My husband is in school in another state so I would have to bring them by myself most of the time and it is very disheartening when things like what I wrote about happen on a regular basis.
It sounds like you have a truly wonderful and welcoming congregation! That is awesome!
Hey, i am so sorry about the unwelcoming of that church. Some churches are very traditional and it has to be complete silence but at the same time, if they don't provide nursery, what are you ought to do? Anyway, I have been going to Cornerstone church in Johnson city and I am very pleased! I started putting my 4 months old at the nursery there and no problem! Some women keep their babies during the service but quickly go to the mother lounge when they start fussing! I go there I left a visitor card and I kept on receving calls from the leaders, saying how happy they were that I came by and little notes and asking me if I had any prayer requests etc. Very very welcoming to visitors! Try it out!
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While I hate to admit it, you are NOT alone. While my misgivings for the moment are temporary, it is still difficult to watch even to watch for a moment.
I honestely think a lot of it is that how we as parents treat children has changed so much from how "those" people were raised. There is a larger discussion for most churches than just how they treat kids, but how they percieve other people.
Hopefully some changes wil be made and the next family will feel more welcomed.
- beanielips
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