-
you deserve better
- Aug 9, 2009 at 10:33 PM
- By
- Comments (3) Total Views (68) Everyone can see this journal post.
honestly, i dont know which is harder. being in an abusive relationship, or watching someone you care about go through it.
if you're going to stand by her, you're in for a hell of an ordeal. so commit to it, and stay by her. tell her that you are always going to be honest with her. remind her that she is worth something. she is a good person, a good friend, a good mother. tell her she deserves better, and so do her kids. do not let the abuser isolate her. even if she seems to want you out of her life, make a nuisance of yourself. remind her that you were in her life first, and you're not willing to give her up.
if her abuser frightens you, never let it show. tell her that you are afraid for her and her kids. go get her if she calls for help. the first time. the second time. and every time thereafter, if you can. let her know that she has other options if she decides to leave. outline them for her. tell her what you will do to help if she decides to leave. do not yell at her or put her down if she requests to go back. tell her how you feel, but also tell her that you respect her right to decide. it has to be her choice. do not threaten to call cps, do not threaten to harm the abuser, avoid altercations with the abuser if possible. do not threaten to abandon her.
tell her that you care about her, and point out others that care about her. if other people offer to help her, let her know of those options as well. educate her friends and family on how to support someone in a dv situation. she has to feel confident and powerful enough to change the situation. encourage her to bring some of her things to your house for safe keeping. tell her that if she goes to leave, to forget about her belongings for the time being. they can be retrieved later, with the help of police if necessary. take only the kids. if the abuser says she can go but the kids have to stay, tell her that's not how it has to be. it's just another tactic on the abuser's part to keep her in the situation. tell her that you know she cant see things as clearly as you, because she's in the situation and you aren't. if you've been there before, remind her. if she was there for you, remind her of that as well.
find someone you can talk to about it. no doubt you are frustrated that you cant get your loved one out of the situation. as much as you want to, you cant kidnap her and her kids until she comes to her senses. you cant make the decision for her. you're no doubt furious at her abuser. if you've been there before, it probably drags up a lot of unpleasant memories for you too.
never tell her "just leave" or "if a man ever hit me, id kill him/leave/tell him to go to hell/etc". discourage others from saying similar things to her. it wont help.
introduce her to other women who have been there and got out and did well for themselves and their kids after.
frequently remind her that you will not abandon her or judge her. tell her you are there because you care, and that you know she will leave when she is ready.
offer to baby sit her kids. or if she decides to leave, offer to keep the kids at your house and out of the fray. remind her, gently, that the kids have no choice in the matter or power to change the situation, and that she would not want her kids to become abusers or victims.
encourage her to gather evidence against him, and to tell as many people as she can what her situation is like. tell her that others will believe her, and the ones who dont dont matter. tell her she is not alone. many others have gone through this. ask her if she would like to go to the women's center, if only to obtain information or meet others who have gone through or are going through similar situations.
most of all,stand by her. no matter what. let her know that you are there, all the way to hell and back.
if you're going to stand by her, you're in for a hell of an ordeal. so commit to it, and stay by her. tell her that you are always going to be honest with her. remind her that she is worth something. she is a good person, a good friend, a good mother. tell her she deserves better, and so do her kids. do not let the abuser isolate her. even if she seems to want you out of her life, make a nuisance of yourself. remind her that you were in her life first, and you're not willing to give her up.
if her abuser frightens you, never let it show. tell her that you are afraid for her and her kids. go get her if she calls for help. the first time. the second time. and every time thereafter, if you can. let her know that she has other options if she decides to leave. outline them for her. tell her what you will do to help if she decides to leave. do not yell at her or put her down if she requests to go back. tell her how you feel, but also tell her that you respect her right to decide. it has to be her choice. do not threaten to call cps, do not threaten to harm the abuser, avoid altercations with the abuser if possible. do not threaten to abandon her.
tell her that you care about her, and point out others that care about her. if other people offer to help her, let her know of those options as well. educate her friends and family on how to support someone in a dv situation. she has to feel confident and powerful enough to change the situation. encourage her to bring some of her things to your house for safe keeping. tell her that if she goes to leave, to forget about her belongings for the time being. they can be retrieved later, with the help of police if necessary. take only the kids. if the abuser says she can go but the kids have to stay, tell her that's not how it has to be. it's just another tactic on the abuser's part to keep her in the situation. tell her that you know she cant see things as clearly as you, because she's in the situation and you aren't. if you've been there before, remind her. if she was there for you, remind her of that as well.
find someone you can talk to about it. no doubt you are frustrated that you cant get your loved one out of the situation. as much as you want to, you cant kidnap her and her kids until she comes to her senses. you cant make the decision for her. you're no doubt furious at her abuser. if you've been there before, it probably drags up a lot of unpleasant memories for you too.
never tell her "just leave" or "if a man ever hit me, id kill him/leave/tell him to go to hell/etc". discourage others from saying similar things to her. it wont help.
introduce her to other women who have been there and got out and did well for themselves and their kids after.
frequently remind her that you will not abandon her or judge her. tell her you are there because you care, and that you know she will leave when she is ready.
offer to baby sit her kids. or if she decides to leave, offer to keep the kids at your house and out of the fray. remind her, gently, that the kids have no choice in the matter or power to change the situation, and that she would not want her kids to become abusers or victims.
encourage her to gather evidence against him, and to tell as many people as she can what her situation is like. tell her that others will believe her, and the ones who dont dont matter. tell her she is not alone. many others have gone through this. ask her if she would like to go to the women's center, if only to obtain information or meet others who have gone through or are going through similar situations.
most of all,stand by her. no matter what. let her know that you are there, all the way to hell and back.
Want to leave a comment and join the discussion?
Already a member? Click here to log in
Meet Cymbeline
This Pennsylvania mom of three is a big fan of the band The Cranberries, loves to eat seafood and enjoys spending time with her family at Knoebel's amusement park.
Great Post- Voted Popular
- daisyb
Message Friend Invite