I want to try it out

[chela17]

Lately, I have been thinking of ways to better myself. It has been an ongoing conflict for about 4-5 months now because I was not content with anything. I felt like I was in some sort of depression, which I don't think I have overcome fully, yet, but I do feel that I am making and extreme effort to get there. I have motivation now, which is something that I haven't had in a long time.

Shit has hit the fan the last 2 months and I sometimes wonder if I should even bother to carry on. What am I talking about? Well, I found out my husband was cheating on me. Yeah, something that I was so ashamed to even mention is now being cleared out in the air. We have started going to counseling and so far I guess it is going ok, but do I really feel like I want to carry on. I don't know. I feel like he will never change. Yes, he has changed a lot within the last month (the first month was still an effort for him to realize that I knew everything and to accept the fact that he was not going to get away with it), but how sure can I be that he won't do it again? The counselor said I should just you know accept it and move on and start it off from there, but how do I do that? How can I just forget about it and not trust his dumb ass?

I feel like I have above and beyond from what a woman would put up with and still I am the one feeling like I gotta try. I sometimes feel like he is the one with the problem and he needs to go by himself to figure it out. Maybe he is the dumbass who is bipolar and whenever he gets bored or is curious, he will just act out in whatever it is that is convenient to him at the time: finding a new relationship, drinking, starting an argument, or shutting himself out from the world.

I often feel like I would be so much happier by myself. I really do. Did I feel that way before? I don't know. Did his actions contribute to this? Sure it has. I tried keeping my mouth shut and putting up with it the first week that it was out in the open, the first week that I had asked him who was this bitch and he acted like he should be pissed at me for finding things out, the first week I was living in hell, but no matter how much I tried to put up with it, I knew it was not for me. The tears that I cried were short, the moments that I wished for things to go back to the month before when everything was normal was short lived. Why? Because I couldn't help to keep listening to that voice that wanted me to scream out "I AM DONE. I WANT YOU OUT"

So I did. I told him, I am done and all he could say was don't worry about it you are not the one moving out. Ok, so leave. He didn't. Instead he went to sleep. I woke him up and told him to leave, not to threaten me, just to leave with the bitch and help him pick up his mess because I knew he didn't have the balls to go back to his moms or dads. He kept on sleeping. Thinking it was a joke. I went to the phone store and opened a line in my name. It was the only thing he had against me. My phone was under his line so I fixed the problem without any second thoughts.

When he woke up, he saw my old phone on the dresser with the charger and a post-it that had the voicemail password written on it. I guess I had crossed the line. He called his dad sobbing with all these different excuses and I don't know what. Point was, why did it take him that long to realize he fucked up. Why? Why do I have to go to counseling now? Why don't you just have enough willpower before all the damage had been done?

I don't know where we are going from here. All I know is that we are working on it, working on the communication basically.

But what I do know is that this whole situation has given me more motivation to do what I think I am good at. I want to write. But how do I go about writing? What do I write about? Do I write about my life story? Who would ever find that interesting? Do I create fictional characters and have it based on my story? I hope I come to a sense to all of this, but I do want to write. I guess I am afraid if others will like it and what others will think.

[autiemommy2]

Aug. 10, 2009 at 3:03 PM

Affairs are not easy to recover from, but it is possible if you BOTH want it... and it has to be permanent change on BOTH of your parts. If you don't want to, you don't have to. It's okay to take some time to figure out waht you want - if you want your marriage to continue or not.

Give your writing some time... but explore that avenue! Write!! And people's life stories ARE interesting - especially to those of us in similar situations.

(Oh, and "putting it behind you" is easier said than done!!) Good luck!