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Need help FAST.
- Aug 10, 2009 at 6:12 PM
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- Comments (26) Total Views (611) Everyone can see this journal post.
Guys, I have a friend. My friend has been using my husband to boost her low-self esteem because she knows he's attracted to her. So she comes over (all the TIME) in these tiny shirts, and puts me down all the time (followed by a "heeheehee!"), and talks about how awesome she is, in really subtle ways. They text, IM and call each other during the day. She's started calling ME a lot less.
I need to talk to her, but I don't know what to say. As little as a month ago, I was trying to convince her that she doesn't HAVE to be uncomfortable around my husband, and that it's ok for them to be friends, but it just feels like she's taking it over the line.
What do I say to her?
Comments:
Back Off! That is what I would tell her.
I'm thinking...
This is a tough one. My gut says to tell her that her behavior is making you uncomfortable and she needs to knock it off, but I'm not sure that is the right approach. I also think that a conversation with your husband is in order, just to say something like "Hey, I know you guys are just friends, but why does it always seem like she's flirting with you? And it kind of bothers me that you have so much contact with her."
But, I know those could well be fightin' words, and I am not sure of the diplomatic way to say it that won't make you look like the bad guy or cause a big argument where you may say things you'll regret. Maybe you have another friend who has noticed her flirting and can back you up?
I dunno, I'm grasping here. But I'll keep thinking on this one.
*hugs*
I like the idea of having another friend back you up (if possible)...that takes some of the pressure off you. I'm not sure what else to say...she doesn't seem like she is being a very good friend to you though.
I would just flat out tell her that when she's complimenting herself around your husband, that somehow it makes you feel hurt. You can even say that you're glad they get along and feel comfortable with each other, but that you're feeling left out.
If I couldn't be absolutely straight up with a friend, I guess I wouldn't want her to be around all the time.
I coordinated my husband and girlfriend going out drinking together one night while I was working evening shift. I knew they were both bored and lonely, and I wanted them to like each other, so it seemed like a primo opportunity.
My girlfriend is SERIOUSLY flirtatious when she's drunk, so I was not surprised to find them pretty darn comfortable with each other by the time I showed up at 11 pm. Fortunately, she likes me better (!).
Anyway, my point is... we got into a situation recently that had my husband a little bit uncomfortable. He told me, and this morning I told her, and she said, "I'm glad you're comfortable telling me this. I love you, and you are so important to me as a friend."
Message delivered and accepted. And a bonus that she told me how much she loves me and kissed me on the mouth. (grin).
~De
I've been there. My best friend habitually flirts with all men. My husband, my brothers, men in restaurants, any man that is in her path. It's a problem for her and she finally admitted it. But it took a strain in our relationship to wake her up. She would sit on my husbands lap, kiss him on both cheeks (she's french) and be flirtatious with him and wore suggestive clothing to family functions. It irked me beyond belief! I stopped seeing her for about 4 months, we'd talk on the phone from time to time but I always gave her the cold shoulder. Well it worked and she knew I was pissed.
When it came time to talk to her I wrote her a letter. It was to the point and I mentioned how I didn't like the way she dressed, the lap sitting, the kisses and the vie for his attention. She called me right away. She said she valued my relationship and had recently looked at her life and her low self esteem issues and promised to never do those things again. It worked !!
Now I can't say your friend will do the same. Some people really have no clue who they are hurting and do these things because they are selfish. I would tell her, sorry I didn't mind you being friends with my husband but I think you are taking it too far. Mention her clothing as being too suggestive and also that if you are to remain friends she needs to value your marriage and not cut you down. If she doesn't comply she's not worth being friends with. Tell your husband what you are doing too. Tell him she's not a good friend so you are cutting ties. If he has a spaz about it well that's another problem altogether.
Good luck!!
if you are to remain friends she needs to value your marriage and not cut you down. If she doesn't comply she's not worth being friends with. Tell your husband what you are doing too. Tell him she's not a good friend so you are cutting ties. If he has a spaz about it well that's another problem altogether.
Ooh. I like this. My gut feeling was that this friend wouldn't respond well to being told flat out to back off, which was why I suggested the manipulative route!
Wow. Maybe I'm just a giant bitch, but someone who is doing that would no longer earn the description of "friend" from me. I'd tell her she wasn't allowed in my house OR my life anymore. See ya sister and that would be about it.
I can see where it would be tempting to just outright tell her to back off. I can also understand why you might not want to do that straight off the bat. A conversation with your friend about this doesn't necessarily have to be a confrontation, though. Honesty in all things is your best bet. Don't hide your feelings. Don't skirt the truth. You owe it to yourself to be honest about how this situation is making you feel.
Honestly, Jess? I would sit down with her and tell her exactly how you're feeling - just like you explained it to us. Tell her that you feel torn about addressing this with her because you had previously encouraged a friendship between her and your husband. Tell her that you didn't realize how bothered you would be by your friend and your husband having such a close relationship. Let her know that you feel threatened. A friend worth keeping in your life will respect that boundary. If she continues on with this behavior even after you've talked to her, you won't have any doubt that you were crystal cleat about your feelings and what you want from her. The worst thing you can do is to be ambiguous in any way about what actions you want to see (or not see) from here on out. Ambiguity will only encourage her behavior.
Let your husband know that you feel threatened, too. Much more important than talking to your friend about all of this is making sure that you and your husband are on the same page, and that whatever you tell your friend will be backed up by your husband.
Friends can come and go - you didn't take vows of friendship or have kids with lil' Miss Flirty. Mr. Man, however, has promised himself to you, and you should make it clear to him that you need his support right now.
(((hugs)))
My first thought when reading your post was this: Your husband has a commitment to you. Your "friend" doesn't. Talk to him, let him know that the part he is playing in this is making you very uncomfortable.
Otherwise, I agree with the other responses. You need to talk to your husband first and straighten that out. Then you need to let your friend know that her actions are out of line (in one of the nice ways outlined above) and must stop. There are plenty of single men out there who can give her an ego boost, if that is what she needs. If what she needs is the support of a good friend, then she can count on you. But your husband is your husband.
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Hmm. I don't have experience with this. I'm sure that there are a lot of avenues you could take. You could tell her something like," X, I've been feeling really bad lately that we've been growing apart because I've been so busy. I haven't been a good friend to you. I know that hubby has been trying to fill in for me as your friend, but I also know that it just isn't the same as having a girl friend. Maybe we could carve some time out just for us?" I'm thinking that she'll see you drawing a line in that sand by reminding her that she is YOUR friend, and that if she's going to be around your house and family it is because of YOU. I'll think of more, I'm sure.
- evwsquared
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