I would have rather been beaten with a stick...

[Miss-Kitty]

Ok so, I'm 51 years old, married with 2 grown daughters and one teenage daughter.  Lost mom about 5 years ago.  Dad will be 80 next month.  Yes, he's old and doesn't get around like a pup anymore.  And I'm sure he is still missing mom - they were married just short of 55 years.  I have three younger brothers, none of which live within 150 miles.  The story...

I go to visit Dad pretty faithfully every Sunday.  Hubby and teenage daughter go along 90% of the time.  Well, Dad has always been a dictator.  Always his way or NO way.  Hell, no skin off my ass.  I can listen to his b.s. and go home and do what ever I choose.  But he does have a way about him that is really crass and has knocked the sails out of me several times. 

This past Sunday was the WORST.  Hubby was not along this week.  I was there for three hours and never heard a kind word for me.  It was absolutely awful.  Normally, I avoid politcs as we are on opposite spectrums.  He started in on the health care bill.  I fell for it, hook, line and sinker!!  Now, I am very opposed to it and he thinks it is a good deal.  I like to debate as well as the next guy and I am informed and not talking out of my arse.  He yelled and he yelled - called me ignorant, stupid, brain-washed, etc.  I cannot even begin to tell you how awful it was.  It wasn't just for a few minutes.  I kept my cool, gave my facts, etc. and he continually yelled and belittled me for THREE hours. 

My poor almost 14 year old had to listen to this to and tried to be invisible, of course.  So then I made up an excuse to leave.  Needed to color my hair that evening and wanted to get it done.  Then he started in on that too.  Got up to leave and kiss him good-bye.  He grabs my wrist and starts in about my weight.  "If you get any fatter" - "Why can't you push yourself away from the table", etc.  I said I was sorry but menopause is setting in and it is difficult.  He laughs and tells me "Then you've been in menopause for 10 years".  Ok, getting closer to the door now, getting my flip flops on and he tells me - "I love you".  Of course I say "I love you too" and then he quips back, "Sometimes I wonder".

Oh my gosh - I am so sad, so angry, so hurt.  It is Tuesday and I am not over it yet.  He has always gotten on me about things often but this was a beating.  It didn't end.

We left and as soon as I got in my car I just cracked.  I drove out of there sobbing - audibly sobbing.  After driving several miles I was down to a whimper and apologized to my daughter.  And she was crying as well.  I'm sure she felt my pain.

I want to say, "I'll never go back there again".  I try to convince myself that it's not worth it.  I know I don't deserve that.  Guess what?  I'll probably be there again on Sunday!

[NoahsMomma418]

Aug. 11, 2009 at 4:07 PM

I"m sorry!  My mom is like your dad. I've prety much cut her out of my life. I know you don't want to do that with your dad  but you have to stand up for yourself! If he starts at it again just get up and leave. Tell him you'll be back when he can be civil. Tough love. =(

[Miss-Kitty]

Aug. 11, 2009 at 4:42 PM

Thanx for your heartfelt sympathy, NoahsMomma.  No one should have to take this.  And I am sorry you have the same problem with your mother - I think that would be even harder to take!

(Original Poster)

[Lb128f]

Aug. 12, 2009 at 2:46 PM

I'm sorry. :( Sad. Because of your Dad's age...I guess he probably won't change his ways before "leaving" so, trying to find a way to visit and get away without being abused seems to be the key. Have you thought about doing something with him instead of just being at his home? Maybe taking him someplace where he can see something or do something that doesn't involve direct involvementfrom you? Is there something he likes to do? Maybe fish, walk around the Mall (most have wheelchairs you can use for free), visit a Zoo, Park or some other place? Is he involved in any activities or does he have friends or family other than you who visit? If you can't take him out...is there something he likes to do that you all could do with him at home? Is he in the family home? Maybe it is time for him to move to an Assisted Living Facility where he can have some interaction with people his age? Is there a Senior's Program in your area...a place where he can go to meet with others his age? Have you thought about telling him that he is too hard on you...asking him to be kinder? He is your Dad...and while I think it is great that you are faithful and visit...you do NOT have to. And, you should NOT be subjected to the verbal abuse he offers. If need be...you could let him know you can't/won't be visiting if the abuse continues...YOU are allowed to have your OWN life...free from any abuse. You are NOT a "bad" daughter if you decide that you have had enough. Good Luck. I understand the obligation you feel to be a part of his life. I hope he will make it easy for you to do that.