a sad moment in my life

[Tepper]

yesterday was a sad moment in my life that made me change the sweet person I once was, my kindness is gone my feelings are gone my heart is gone.

I found on my husbands cell phone a email from a girl he's been talking to saying how much shes in love with him and they were ment to be together and he was the only one for her. my heart was broken, my husband woke up to find me reading it and he asks me what Im doing. I said Im reading your email cause this isnt right what she sent you. He said it wasnt any of my buisness and it was something personal. I left the room at that and started to cry cause I didnt know what to think at that time. I told him that I cant do this anymore I couldnt turn my head and make it go away like I normally do. I just couldnt watch my life be hurt anymore I am getting more and more depressed everyday cause of his actions. I told him that he could just let me go an he could stay with the girl hes been talking to she obviously loves him and he has feelings for her too. I am just in his way so I said I would leave but Im taking my son with me. He didnt like that cause its his son too. I said he could visit him but I dont think that would happen cause he isnt a very close to him.  but his choice was he didnt want me to leave him. He told me he will tell the other girl they can no longer talk or be friends anymore cause hes married and shes married too. I said call her in front of me so I know you made that call. he said no I cant do that. so now my mind is saying how do you k now he made the call or not... my body is numb and my face will never show happiness again. My stomache hurts cause I dont eat cause I just cant get myself to.  I keep asking him. are you sure you want to stay with me?? Im sure the other girl will make you much happier. He said yes I want to stay with you and he even talked about us going to see a marrage councelor. I agreed to it. so it starts wedesday, I just hope Im around to see that day cause everyday I feel alittle bit inside me die. first my soul, then my mind an then my body.  if anyone has any comforting words to keep my hopes alive it would be like saving a life and making a friend all in one day. bonus pack.

[AprilT]

Aug. 13, 2009 at 3:37 AM

I am glad to hear you will be going to counseling, just make sure you feel cool with the one you get -- someone who does catch on to whatever the problem is.  If not, find another one.  There seems to be a communications problem between the two of you,  as well as some selfishness on his part knowing how he's made you feel, not to mention the other woman is also married.  Everyone needs to get out of this messy situation permanently.

You might also want to look into Retrouvaille (any faith is welcome there) where I believe you learn how to communicate.  Your husband  sounds like he has made a disconnection and needs to find it.  If counseling doesn't work, try the Retrouvaille.  You can find it on the internet if there is a place near you.

[DaisyRain]

Aug. 13, 2009 at 3:43 AM Tepper, I am not in your situation, but my prayers go out to you. I do not know you or your husband- so i will refrain from begging you to leave what sounds like his sorry ass. What I will tell you is that I know that feeling of numbness and loneliness. I know the feeling of failure and distress, the feeling that you are not worth what others are. You, my dear, are special. There is no one else like you and you are to be valued! I want to tell you not to allow the actions of someone else to change you, but I know, having been there in that place of rejection, that right now all you feel is hurt and pain. I know that it will consume you, until you decide that it can't. Your son- that handsome boy that looks to you for support- he loves you like no one else. He sees in you someone strong and beautiful, someone deserving of all the love that life has to offer. He sees it not because he has to, but because that is all you have shown him. Trust in that love that you will emerge from this stronger and happier. Trust in that love that you are worth more than this pain.

Go to counseling, trust in both it and your husband. If it works great, put the work in. But if you feel for a second that he is being insincere, that there is any indiscretion- you have to leave. You have to out you first! All any relationship has is trust. Love is built on the trust that you will not be broken. IF you cannot trust him, let it go and let the pain go with it. While I am not religious, I do believe that all our actions are reciprocated in the universe, his will be as will your strength and perseverance.

You have support in me if you need it. I promise to listen. Please find a way to get your emotions out of you- write, talk...but allow them to express themselves. It is the only way not to become consumed by them.

[MSugarKane]

Aug. 13, 2009 at 8:19 AM

In 29 years of marriage I have never once went into my husbands personal 'space' or things, or cell phone, or Internet.  I trust him to make good decisions about life and our relationship.

BUT what I would do if I were you and in that situation is take a good look at yourself.  When your husband comes home, are you happy to see him, do you smile and say HI! , glad your home?  Or do you start by telling him about your day and your problems> ?   Do you ask him how his day was first?   I know how difficult it is to take care of kids, the house, everything and then pacify a grown man when he comes home really wanting him to take over and give you a break instead.

Try to re-think and make your husband interested in you.  Dress nicely, smile more, be a fun person , someone he wants to be around.   Plan special things for you and him to do together that he would like.   Pretty much over ride that other woman since YOU have him in YOUR home and he is YOURS.   Make him want you more.

Most likely he got side tracked by this woman only because she doesn't have to deal with all you do in your home.  She just gets to swoon over him and listen to him and agree with him.    So take over her role.  He will dump her soon enough if you fulfill whatever need he is missing out of your relationship .

Good luck. 

[-MaRiE-]

Aug. 13, 2009 at 11:29 AM

Stephanie, I'm sorry you're going through this.  I'll definitely keep you in my prayers.  I know that you'll get through this.  God never throws anything at us that we can't handle.  I hope your counseling works out.  I wish you nothing but the best because you deserve the best.  Please take care of yourself.  Eat something.  Do it for Christopher.

[SinCitiChick]

Aug. 13, 2009 at 7:04 PM

I obviously don't know you.  BUT I do know that this man you call your "husband" does not love you.  A man who loves a woman doesn't hurt her- and when he does, he doesn't turn it around to make it seem like she's the one at fault.  It shows right away that you have zero trust in him, because you went through his e-mail.  And that right there is a problem.  I don't blame you though, it's not your fault that you can't trust him- apparently, you have your reasons. 

Don't stay with him.  You seem like a nice young lady and every woman has so much to give.  There are plenty of good men out there who would kill to have a family.  Men who don't cheat or lie. 

You need to love yourself and realize that you are worth much more than he gives you credit for.  Most importantly, don't stick around, think about your son.  It's better to be from a broken home than to live in one.

[shariM950]

Aug. 14, 2009 at 9:47 AM

I am not one to say Leave him, because I went through exactly the same thing back in 2004. When I was reading your post, I  thought I was reading something I wrote myself. My husband and I are doing great now. We are celebrating our 30th anniversary this year. I do love him with all my heart. It is easy to forgive but it is not so easy to forget, i am getting better now, i don't think of it as much as I use too. It does not over whelm to think everytime he goes out by himself that he goes and sees her. Just hang in there if that is what you want. Try not to accuse him of something that he is not doing when you start working things out. Because that in itself will cause him to go back to that woman, because you are accusing him of it anyway, so in his mind he thinks well she is accussing me of it, so why not do it. Remember: Words hurt more than hitting someone, the hitting pain goes away but the word pain does not. Right now you are throwing harsh words out at each other because that trust has been broken. Be very careful on what you say to each other in the heat of the moment.

The advice from the woman that says " when he first comes in the door, don't tell him about your problems, ask him about his day" We all do that tell our husbands about the bad days that we have,. we also don't act like the person that we really are inside, we act like the Mother, and wife that we are, and not be the person that he actually fell in love with to begin with. The fun loving person. Find some exciting things to do together, send the kids away for the weekend and spent some real quaility time together. I am not saying that it is going to be easy at first, but don't think about what has happened, try to bury it, because if you don't it will eat you alive and destroy what you do have in your marriage.

  Good luck honey.

  ShariM

[supermomto20506]

Aug. 14, 2009 at 11:30 AM

Hi Tepper,

First let me say that there was nothing wrong with you going into his personal stuff. Obviously, you felt you needed to. I am so very sorry that you found what you found and I am so sorry to hear how this has hurt you. I'm glad to hear that you all are going to counseling, but let me say that you are not the one who needs it. He does. HE'S the infidel. The fact that you agreed to go shows that you are the backbone in your family. You're the strong one; the mature one and the one who deserves better.

If you are feeling like you're dying inside, then it is time for you to separate yourself from that man and regain and reinvent yourself. If not for you, then do it for your son. HE NEEDS HIS MOTHER TO BE 100%!!!

Also, the truth is, if he has cheated once, he'll do it again...especially if you take him back. You're better than that.