I am angry.

[ToddlerBrain82]

I am angry that while getting ready to give birth to my son, I was treated as if my body was defective. I was told by my OB/GYN that I needed "just a little help" to get labor started.

I am angry that "just a little help" came in the form of my OB stripping my membranes without my consent during a routine exam. This resulted in immense pain, cramping for several days, and false labor - but did not "help labor get started."

I am angry at myself for allowing my OB to strip my membranes three more times over the next month, even after knowing the pain it would put me through.

I am angry about the amount of stress that my growing baby was put through during the final month of pregnancy, when he should have just been working on growing bigger and stronger.

I am angry about being coerced into an induction because my OB didn't want her Fourth of July weekend to be inconvenienced by the birth of my son.

I am angry about being made to lie in the hospital bed, without even being allowed to shower, hooked up to an IV of Pitocin, even though I was contracting just fine after only the Cervadil suppository.

I am angry at my OB and the nurse who drugged me with multiple pain medications, AFTER I said several times "I don't want the pain medication." I think now of that nurse saying to me "Of course you want the pain medication" and it just makes my blood boil.

I am angry at not being allowed to eat, walk around, lie in a position that was comfortable for me, or even to get up and use the toilet while laboring.

I am ANGRY about my c-section.

I am angry that now, pregnant with my second baby, planning on a vaginal birth, I am considered a special case. I shouldn't need to have any special treatment. My first birth SHOULD have been a drug-free, vaginal birth like I had planned on.

I am angry that in order to have the drug-free, vaginal birth I am planning on for our next baby, I need to think of the hospital almost as a war zone when it comes to pregnancy and birth.

I am angry that when I told my OB that I was planning on a VBAC, she tried to scare the living daylights out of me by telling me a horror story about a mother and baby who died on her watch during a VBAC.

I am angry that my sons birth, which should have been a beautiful experience, has left me feeling like a victim of sexual assault. I can never have that experience back now, and I feel like I was robbed of that.

I am angry at my OB, who said to me after the surgery "At least now you can schedule your next baby's birth and know exactly when it will happen."

I am angry that in the doctors notes that came with my c-section records, there was a note that said my pelvis is too small to pass a baby through. I was never given a CHANCE to pass a baby through my pelvis, so how could anybody make such a statement about me and my body?

I am angry at all the people who said to me "It's okay, you are healthy and you have a healthy baby." Because no, it was NOT okay. I had a horribly stressed out baby who cried for hours at a time and was almost impossible to soothe. We had a terrible time getting started with breastfeeding. I didn't realize at the time that I had bad post-partum depression. Plus, I had an INCISION in my ABDOMEN and UTERUS. I will carry that scar with me, and the trauma that was associated with it, for the rest of my life.

[Xynyth]

Aug. 14, 2009 at 9:36 PM

I am angry with you for all the same reasons. It never gets any better. There are just days you don't think about it as much.

 

[ErikaRobin]

Aug. 14, 2009 at 9:40 PM

I know that the end result that we all want is a healthy baby, but you still can't deny feeling cheated a bit, can you?   I suspect I would've felt just as angry if I had had to have a c-section.  You have every right to be angry.  You are not a baby machine.  Love machine, yes, but not a baby machine.   They do not need to "fix" you.

[ToddlerBrain82]

Aug. 14, 2009 at 9:45 PM

Thank you, ladies :)

(Original Poster)

[cleanaturalady]

Aug. 14, 2009 at 9:50 PM

Everyone should be allowed to have the birth that they want.  I am sorry that you were cheated out of the experience that you really wanted and should have had.  I pray that having this baby will be a much better experience for you.

[RanaAurora]

Aug. 14, 2009 at 9:52 PM

I need to think of the hospital almost as a war zone when it comes to pregnancy and birth.

When you're in labor is the LAST time in your life you should have to do this, but it's true.  And even then, in the heat of the moment, your brain doesn't work quite right, and people will betray your trust.  It blows.  I hate this country.

[amileegirl]

Aug. 14, 2009 at 9:52 PM

I'm angry with you!    It's posts like yours over the years that really opened my eyes and made me research like a woman possessed.

[ToddlerBrain82]

Aug. 14, 2009 at 9:56 PM

Thank you, everyone! Your support means so much.

(Original Poster)

[MythicMMM]

Aug. 14, 2009 at 10:04 PM

I am also angry for many of the same reasons!

[0Jenna0]

Aug. 14, 2009 at 10:10 PM

I'm sorry your experience was so terrible, and I am angry for you that you will never get a "redo" on that. Do you have the same OB now that you did during your first pregnancy? Have you considered hiring a dula so that even if the hospital has to be a war zone, you're not the one who has to fight the battle? I hope this time you are able to get the birth experience you want and deserve!!

[ToddlerBrain82]

Aug. 14, 2009 at 10:18 PM

Jenna, this baby will either be born in a birth center or at home. I am still making up my mind about that, but honestly I'm leaning toward a home birth. Thank you :)

(Original Poster)