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July 12 2007. My adoption plan story.
- Aug 15, 2009 at 4:05 PM
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- Comments (2) Total Views (151) Everyone can see this journal post.
It is a day that I will NEVER forget.
Aug 2006, I had met this man, we will came him G. G happened to come to my work place to get a few things and he would end up spending his whole lucnh there. We talked, laughed and got to know each other a bit. It was a very causal first meeting encounter.
G would start calling me and visiting me at work. I didnt have a personal phone of any sort, so it was the work place if he needed/wanted to find me. He would ask me out several times and I would always say yes, but there was not one time that I followed through. It wasnt till he asked me if I was interested or not because of all of the standups. Of course I was interested. However, I was dealing with another man, D.
D and his son was living with me and my daughter in a home that was pretty much given to us by a friend. All I had to do was pay the rent and other bills. No credit check and all that other jazz. D NEVER helped with any bills. Yes, he did work. I took care of him, his son he had with him and his other son that would come on weekends. Plus my daughter. I was in love with this man. I would give him sex when ever he wanted. I took him where ever he wanted to go. I allowed him to use my car when ever. He would have other women over in my house. I was to accept any and all behavior from him and I was to be faithful to him. My mind was so controlled by D. I just wanted him to love me.
It wasnt till my firend put me, my daughter and all the other people out of his house that I started to see that D was no good for me. I came clean to G about D and he said, "If he loves you and wants you, he will say so. Ask him if he loves you or not" So I did. I went to D the next day and had asked him if he loved me. He couldnt answer me. That was the answer I needed. It wasnt so easy to leave because I thought I really loved him. Its was all a joke.
I finally tell D that it is over. That everything is done. I go back to the house. I still had access to it just that my friend had turned off all the power to the house and told the rental folks that I was to be out by the end of the month. I had went to a hotel with D and the others. So anyway, I go back to the house. It is not Oct of 2006. There was no power and it was cold. My daughter and I had no way to eat anything hot. I had kept a cooler with ice for sandwhich meat for my daughter. We had battery lights and an oil lamp. We only had cold water, so it was rough taking a shower. I had to tell my daughter not to tell anyone that we didnt have power in fear that the wrong person would hear and try to take her away.
G would give me money for gas for my car and to get something hot to eat for us, he would allow me to come to his house and take a hot shower. He lived with someone else so I wasnt able to move in or anything.
It was durning this month that G and I would have sex for the first time. And that is all it takes.
By Oct 31 2006, Holloween day, I had to have left the property. I got a few things out but lost EVERYTHING we owned. Clothes, daughters toys and bike, her brand new bed and all my stuff. Everything.
Nov comes around and my daughter and I were living in a new hotel. I started to not feel quite right. I knew something was wrong. I told G that we needed to talk. I told him that I believed that I was pregnant. He said that he didnt think I was and it was left at that.
I wasnt so sure. I bought 2 test and took them. Sure enough.....two....yes two pink lines. I WAS pregnant. I was a bit happy but shocked.
I knew it wasnt the right time but hell when is it ever the "right time"?
It wasnt till about March that adoption came up. I was living with some friends. D was out of my life. And things just werent going the way they were supposed to have had.
I didnt want to do an adoption. I wanted my baby. G, thought it was best. We couldnt care for a new baby.
April 07 comes around and I just walked in the local adoption agency and started to talk to someone. I was to chicken to call and start there knowing I would never follow through. I was so scared. I have cried a thousand tear and then some more. My heart was in soooooo much pain. I really didnt want to do this.
After a few visits with the worker, I had three profiles I was really looking at. G, has by now backed out my life. He was here and there but not of any support. No ideas, no opinions, no thoughts. No nothing.
I had to now expalin to my daughter, my 6 yr old baby that we were unable to keep the baby. She would ask me why. I just told her that mommy cant give the baby what it needed, that mommy doesnt have enough money and that I had to find a special family. The next said of words out of her mouth will stay with me forever. She said, "mommy, you can have my piggy bank, I will share." I broke down. I couldnt hold it back. Hell, I am crying now thinking back.
May 26 2006, I met with M and J. I was soooo scared. My daughter and bestfriend of 12 years came with me. We all had lunch. I cried, and I cried some more. I yearned to keep my baby. I yearned that someone would step up and say, hey you can do this. No one ever would. I wanted these people to know that it was not about not wanting my baby. I wanted her/him. (Sex of baby unknown till birth) I felt like a piece of crap that I was unable to care for my baby. I was failing as a parent. I was no good.
M, J and myself would talk for about 2 hours. Talk about how I felt and wanted my baby to be raised, what my beliefs are. We shared stories. M is also adopted and he would tell of his story. J gave me a very nice scrapbook she had put together and gave to me to keep as a small glisp into thier lifes. They have bio 4 children and since M was adopted, he wanted, they wanted, to adopt. They wanted to find a women, like myself, who was just not in the place to parent and offer a loving home to the child. To offer that child a promised life. J, an ex school teacher is now a stay at home mom and M owns his own company that has serval different locations across the conutry. I wanted a family that there was child/ren already. I wanted a family that was of a fix race. My child is mixed. That is all that I was really looking for.
July 11 2007. My daughter and I would come home after a day of washing clothes and cleaning, trying to get things done before my due date. That was July 12th. I knew it was going to be an emotional time after birth and didnt want to be bothered with the everyday stuff like cleaning.
J and I would email daily. Keeping in touch. Never a phone call. Never a letter. Just email.
That night, July 11 2007, we had homemade tacos for dinner. They were so good. About 8 pm I started to get a little cramp here and there. Im thinking it was from the tacos, you know the grease and stuff. I didnt think much of it. When I had my daughter, it was all schuduled and almost 7yrs later (her bday is 7-27) so I dont remember much of anything. So around 10 pm I decided to go lay down. I email my good night to J. I then head to the restroom before I go lay down and my plug was coming out. Gross I know. But hey it happens. Other funny little things were happening so I email J to let her know. They were leaving the next day (the 12) to be with me. They are in Pa and I am in Va. She then calls me. First time I have heard her voice since meeting back in May. We would talk for over 2 hours on the phone.
I was having contractions. But very mild ones. I started to time them and rate them on a scale of 1-10 in pain. They were coming about every 5-10 mins.
July 12 2007. 10am. I take my daughter to the Boys and Girls club so I could rest. I wake my bestfriend and tell her to come with me. I wanted to go by my docs office since it was right there at the club. I have had my bag packed and it stayed in the car. I get to the docs and she checks me. She then tells me that I am in labor and needed to head to the hospital. She asked if I wanted her to get an ambulance. I said, "I drove here, I can drive there!" My bestfriend ended driving. lol
Its now 1-ish. M and J were keeping in contact through my bestfriend via phone. They had left about 9 am and it is about a 7 hours trip.
THey get there around 530 pm. We all talked and hung out if you will. M stayed in the waiting room with the kids and J, my bestfriend, my mom and another friend were in the room with me. My mom and friend wanted to give us some alone time and so it was now just my bestfriend and J with me. They were the two that I wanted in the room when I would deliever. I wanted G there but we had broken up in May.
8 pm comes and I start feeling the need to push. I start to cry. I didnt want to push. I knew that as long as the baby was in me that she was mine and that I didnt have to give her away. J held my right leg. 828 pm, Abigail Lynn was born. I screamed. Not in pain, I felt no pain in my body. I felt all that pain rush to my heart. My baby was now no longer MY baby. I cried as J and my bestfriend rushed over to the baby. They took pics. And my bestfriend was the first to hold her. I couldnt look at her. It was to damn painful.
It wasnt till 2 am that I decided to go to the nursey to see her. They wheeled her to me. I didnt want to take her to my room. So they let me sit in this cubby. Just a desk and some papers there. I was so scared to pick her up. I didnt want to touch her. All I could do was sit in that chair and stare at her and telling her that I was sooo sorry. That I was sorry that I couldnt keep her with me. That I do in fact love her move than anybody. I just kept telling her Im sorry as I would rub her cheek. I would then pick her up and my heart felt like it had a weight tied to it and I was thrown into the ocean, the pain was so deep and heavy. I just placed her to my chest and I cried. Im sorry, Im so sorry I kept saying..I love you, please know that. Please somehow always know that I have always loved you. Then I placed her back in her cart, gave her back the the nurse and I went to my room and cried myself to sleep as my 6 yr old sleep on the chair next to me.
July 13. J gave me a gift. It was a necklace. A diamond heart shape charm on a chain. She said that the diamons are because they are forever, and the heart becuase I would be forever in thier hearts. I still wear it to this day.
July 14th. I am on the phone with G for a couple of hours in the morning. He was going to come to the hospital and see her. He was going to come and sign the papers. We waited, and waited. He would never show. Around 2 pm I would begin the paper work for myself. I Tabitha Williamson, place Abigial Lynn born on July 12 2007 in an adoption plan with so and so. I had only 10 tens to change my mind. Ten days. Thats right.
M and J let me carry Abby out of the hospital. We all walked together. And that is where I would have her to her new family. There are pictures and I will post later. I just couldnt let go. I ask M and J that to please always make sure that she knows that I love her. I wanted her. They promised.
They had to stay in my state till the paper work cleared from interstate. We would see each other two more times before they would get the news that it was clear.
July 20th. M's b-day. He gets a call. We are all together. They paperwork is cleared. They could now leave. I knew they were excited to go back home, however, it was now over.
G, had not signed the papers yet. He was now wanting to keep the baby and not go through with it. He would later sign.
I get pics twice a yr and a 4 hour visit once a yr.
Abby is now 2. And it still hurts like hell. I still cry for her. My arms yearn for her. I still feel as if I have failed her.
G and I talked and talked and we got back together in Jan of 08. We now live together. He helps me with raising my daughter and we just had a son, Shaun, on May 23 2009. Shaun and Abby look soooo much alike. I dont know if that makes it harder. At times it does. I see her in him. M and J met him, Shaun, on our last visit. They are happy for us that things have turned around. G has still to yet met or even see Abby in person. I dont know if he ever will. I hope so. He does look at her pictures.
My relationship with M and J is just an adoption relationship. I yearn to be friends with J. To maybe get to spend more time with her and the whole family. She is a wonderful mother and I admire that in her. I just dont want our relationship to be soley about the adoption.
I guess time will tell.
Aug 2006, I had met this man, we will came him G. G happened to come to my work place to get a few things and he would end up spending his whole lucnh there. We talked, laughed and got to know each other a bit. It was a very causal first meeting encounter.
G would start calling me and visiting me at work. I didnt have a personal phone of any sort, so it was the work place if he needed/wanted to find me. He would ask me out several times and I would always say yes, but there was not one time that I followed through. It wasnt till he asked me if I was interested or not because of all of the standups. Of course I was interested. However, I was dealing with another man, D.
D and his son was living with me and my daughter in a home that was pretty much given to us by a friend. All I had to do was pay the rent and other bills. No credit check and all that other jazz. D NEVER helped with any bills. Yes, he did work. I took care of him, his son he had with him and his other son that would come on weekends. Plus my daughter. I was in love with this man. I would give him sex when ever he wanted. I took him where ever he wanted to go. I allowed him to use my car when ever. He would have other women over in my house. I was to accept any and all behavior from him and I was to be faithful to him. My mind was so controlled by D. I just wanted him to love me.
It wasnt till my firend put me, my daughter and all the other people out of his house that I started to see that D was no good for me. I came clean to G about D and he said, "If he loves you and wants you, he will say so. Ask him if he loves you or not" So I did. I went to D the next day and had asked him if he loved me. He couldnt answer me. That was the answer I needed. It wasnt so easy to leave because I thought I really loved him. Its was all a joke.
I finally tell D that it is over. That everything is done. I go back to the house. I still had access to it just that my friend had turned off all the power to the house and told the rental folks that I was to be out by the end of the month. I had went to a hotel with D and the others. So anyway, I go back to the house. It is not Oct of 2006. There was no power and it was cold. My daughter and I had no way to eat anything hot. I had kept a cooler with ice for sandwhich meat for my daughter. We had battery lights and an oil lamp. We only had cold water, so it was rough taking a shower. I had to tell my daughter not to tell anyone that we didnt have power in fear that the wrong person would hear and try to take her away.
G would give me money for gas for my car and to get something hot to eat for us, he would allow me to come to his house and take a hot shower. He lived with someone else so I wasnt able to move in or anything.
It was durning this month that G and I would have sex for the first time. And that is all it takes.
By Oct 31 2006, Holloween day, I had to have left the property. I got a few things out but lost EVERYTHING we owned. Clothes, daughters toys and bike, her brand new bed and all my stuff. Everything.
Nov comes around and my daughter and I were living in a new hotel. I started to not feel quite right. I knew something was wrong. I told G that we needed to talk. I told him that I believed that I was pregnant. He said that he didnt think I was and it was left at that.
I wasnt so sure. I bought 2 test and took them. Sure enough.....two....yes two pink lines. I WAS pregnant. I was a bit happy but shocked.
I knew it wasnt the right time but hell when is it ever the "right time"?
It wasnt till about March that adoption came up. I was living with some friends. D was out of my life. And things just werent going the way they were supposed to have had.
I didnt want to do an adoption. I wanted my baby. G, thought it was best. We couldnt care for a new baby.
April 07 comes around and I just walked in the local adoption agency and started to talk to someone. I was to chicken to call and start there knowing I would never follow through. I was so scared. I have cried a thousand tear and then some more. My heart was in soooooo much pain. I really didnt want to do this.
After a few visits with the worker, I had three profiles I was really looking at. G, has by now backed out my life. He was here and there but not of any support. No ideas, no opinions, no thoughts. No nothing.
I had to now expalin to my daughter, my 6 yr old baby that we were unable to keep the baby. She would ask me why. I just told her that mommy cant give the baby what it needed, that mommy doesnt have enough money and that I had to find a special family. The next said of words out of her mouth will stay with me forever. She said, "mommy, you can have my piggy bank, I will share." I broke down. I couldnt hold it back. Hell, I am crying now thinking back.
May 26 2006, I met with M and J. I was soooo scared. My daughter and bestfriend of 12 years came with me. We all had lunch. I cried, and I cried some more. I yearned to keep my baby. I yearned that someone would step up and say, hey you can do this. No one ever would. I wanted these people to know that it was not about not wanting my baby. I wanted her/him. (Sex of baby unknown till birth) I felt like a piece of crap that I was unable to care for my baby. I was failing as a parent. I was no good.
M, J and myself would talk for about 2 hours. Talk about how I felt and wanted my baby to be raised, what my beliefs are. We shared stories. M is also adopted and he would tell of his story. J gave me a very nice scrapbook she had put together and gave to me to keep as a small glisp into thier lifes. They have bio 4 children and since M was adopted, he wanted, they wanted, to adopt. They wanted to find a women, like myself, who was just not in the place to parent and offer a loving home to the child. To offer that child a promised life. J, an ex school teacher is now a stay at home mom and M owns his own company that has serval different locations across the conutry. I wanted a family that there was child/ren already. I wanted a family that was of a fix race. My child is mixed. That is all that I was really looking for.
July 11 2007. My daughter and I would come home after a day of washing clothes and cleaning, trying to get things done before my due date. That was July 12th. I knew it was going to be an emotional time after birth and didnt want to be bothered with the everyday stuff like cleaning.
J and I would email daily. Keeping in touch. Never a phone call. Never a letter. Just email.
That night, July 11 2007, we had homemade tacos for dinner. They were so good. About 8 pm I started to get a little cramp here and there. Im thinking it was from the tacos, you know the grease and stuff. I didnt think much of it. When I had my daughter, it was all schuduled and almost 7yrs later (her bday is 7-27) so I dont remember much of anything. So around 10 pm I decided to go lay down. I email my good night to J. I then head to the restroom before I go lay down and my plug was coming out. Gross I know. But hey it happens. Other funny little things were happening so I email J to let her know. They were leaving the next day (the 12) to be with me. They are in Pa and I am in Va. She then calls me. First time I have heard her voice since meeting back in May. We would talk for over 2 hours on the phone.
I was having contractions. But very mild ones. I started to time them and rate them on a scale of 1-10 in pain. They were coming about every 5-10 mins.
July 12 2007. 10am. I take my daughter to the Boys and Girls club so I could rest. I wake my bestfriend and tell her to come with me. I wanted to go by my docs office since it was right there at the club. I have had my bag packed and it stayed in the car. I get to the docs and she checks me. She then tells me that I am in labor and needed to head to the hospital. She asked if I wanted her to get an ambulance. I said, "I drove here, I can drive there!" My bestfriend ended driving. lol
Its now 1-ish. M and J were keeping in contact through my bestfriend via phone. They had left about 9 am and it is about a 7 hours trip.
THey get there around 530 pm. We all talked and hung out if you will. M stayed in the waiting room with the kids and J, my bestfriend, my mom and another friend were in the room with me. My mom and friend wanted to give us some alone time and so it was now just my bestfriend and J with me. They were the two that I wanted in the room when I would deliever. I wanted G there but we had broken up in May.
8 pm comes and I start feeling the need to push. I start to cry. I didnt want to push. I knew that as long as the baby was in me that she was mine and that I didnt have to give her away. J held my right leg. 828 pm, Abigail Lynn was born. I screamed. Not in pain, I felt no pain in my body. I felt all that pain rush to my heart. My baby was now no longer MY baby. I cried as J and my bestfriend rushed over to the baby. They took pics. And my bestfriend was the first to hold her. I couldnt look at her. It was to damn painful.
It wasnt till 2 am that I decided to go to the nursey to see her. They wheeled her to me. I didnt want to take her to my room. So they let me sit in this cubby. Just a desk and some papers there. I was so scared to pick her up. I didnt want to touch her. All I could do was sit in that chair and stare at her and telling her that I was sooo sorry. That I was sorry that I couldnt keep her with me. That I do in fact love her move than anybody. I just kept telling her Im sorry as I would rub her cheek. I would then pick her up and my heart felt like it had a weight tied to it and I was thrown into the ocean, the pain was so deep and heavy. I just placed her to my chest and I cried. Im sorry, Im so sorry I kept saying..I love you, please know that. Please somehow always know that I have always loved you. Then I placed her back in her cart, gave her back the the nurse and I went to my room and cried myself to sleep as my 6 yr old sleep on the chair next to me.
July 13. J gave me a gift. It was a necklace. A diamond heart shape charm on a chain. She said that the diamons are because they are forever, and the heart becuase I would be forever in thier hearts. I still wear it to this day.
July 14th. I am on the phone with G for a couple of hours in the morning. He was going to come to the hospital and see her. He was going to come and sign the papers. We waited, and waited. He would never show. Around 2 pm I would begin the paper work for myself. I Tabitha Williamson, place Abigial Lynn born on July 12 2007 in an adoption plan with so and so. I had only 10 tens to change my mind. Ten days. Thats right.
M and J let me carry Abby out of the hospital. We all walked together. And that is where I would have her to her new family. There are pictures and I will post later. I just couldnt let go. I ask M and J that to please always make sure that she knows that I love her. I wanted her. They promised.
They had to stay in my state till the paper work cleared from interstate. We would see each other two more times before they would get the news that it was clear.
July 20th. M's b-day. He gets a call. We are all together. They paperwork is cleared. They could now leave. I knew they were excited to go back home, however, it was now over.
G, had not signed the papers yet. He was now wanting to keep the baby and not go through with it. He would later sign.
I get pics twice a yr and a 4 hour visit once a yr.
Abby is now 2. And it still hurts like hell. I still cry for her. My arms yearn for her. I still feel as if I have failed her.
G and I talked and talked and we got back together in Jan of 08. We now live together. He helps me with raising my daughter and we just had a son, Shaun, on May 23 2009. Shaun and Abby look soooo much alike. I dont know if that makes it harder. At times it does. I see her in him. M and J met him, Shaun, on our last visit. They are happy for us that things have turned around. G has still to yet met or even see Abby in person. I dont know if he ever will. I hope so. He does look at her pictures.
My relationship with M and J is just an adoption relationship. I yearn to be friends with J. To maybe get to spend more time with her and the whole family. She is a wonderful mother and I admire that in her. I just dont want our relationship to be soley about the adoption.
I guess time will tell.
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Thanks for sharing this journal post. You had me crying this is such an emotional and heartfelt post. I cannot ever imagine all that you went through. As an adoptive mom, my son's birthmom will forever hold such a special place in my heart. We still email one another, I send her tons of pictures and updates. The bond we have is one that will be forever, and for us that means so much. My son will grow up always knowing the love of his birth parents and adoptive parents. Thank you for sharing your adoption plan story.
- Kellyjude1
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