A Stigma Forever

[mp3mom]

At work... no matter what.

Ironically, I'm loosing my hair. I think it's a hormonal issue. So much came out after my shower yesterday, before work, I freaked out. I called work, really upset, just to commiserate, see if I could talk to someone about what to do. BIG, HUGE MISTAKE. I got one of my co-workers on the phone. She said, ya know, calm down, we'll look at it when you get here, etc... Put it this way: there was so much hair in the trash, Kelly asked me if I cut my hair. In 27 years of doing hair, I've never seen so much come out of someone's head at one time. I freaked.

A half hour later one of the owners calls. She says she understands that I'm crying and upset about my hair falling out and am I sure can I come in to work to do my client because she only has a short time to reschedule or find someone to do her. I reassure her that I'm fine. She seemed sceptical, but relented.

It was totally my fault. I knew I was "on watch" for stability. I wasn't thinking. I never will be off the hook though. I can never let my guard down; never show any vulnerability. It's my stigma, though. It won't allow me to be a real person anymore. I'm just not allowed. No emotion. Stronger than human. I mean, true, I can see her point, before work... though I hadn't called in sick, I wasn't hysterical... I just wanted to tell someone... I feel like I'm looked at twice... judged harder. If that had happened before, no one would have called me back. I will always have this black cloud over me.

Today they talked to me about my hair falling out. I got some Nioxin, but I think it's the Progesterone that will really help. I hope something does.

Just some info~ After my manic episode, I'd been out of work 10 months; I lost my clientele. Two of the three owners did not want me to come back to work there~ the only way I did was under the condition of a 12 week trial period, which I've completed.

[wilesmomma]

Aug. 18, 2009 at 8:24 AM

I'm sorry. That's one of my biggest fears. That's why I have pretended to be ok, for so long. Stay strong momma! You will conquer!

[runner31]

Aug. 18, 2009 at 9:23 AM

yeah I know what you mean.  I think I hide it very well.  I can see mental issues in other people at my part-time job very easily and very empathetic to them and never judge and don't tell anyone, but I always hope they don't see me.  I hide my bipolar as much as possible.  Keep myself contained.

[princessmommy32]

Aug. 18, 2009 at 5:47 PM

I'm so sorry Cherrie! I would have freaked 2. I hope that stuff works that u got. Just wear a wig to help you feel better for awhile.

[shutterflywitch]

Dec. 28, 2009 at 10:18 PM

As I told my sweet shelly, as hse was losing her hair, all of it was gone within the first two weeks of chemo, it is just hair, it does not make the woman, , it is the heart that is worn on the inside, that makes the woman.The most beautiful woman i ever was blessed to know was bald, and beautiful, and just to let ya know all my hair was cut off the day after shelly lost hers, every lock donated, and i continue to donate every few months, because baby its just hair to me~I am who I am because of my mind, no judgements~