A brilliant testimony for my Christian sisters!

[robe739]

I sat down at my computer, hopeing to write out some awesome testimony about my struggles & triumphs in life. I find myself drawing a blank in this subject. The thing is, my life still isn't where I know it should be & I know that I am not yet the woman that the Lord intended me to be. Fortunately for me, the Lord is a forgiving & loving God & I know that with his guidance, my life will continue to head in the right direction.

Let me start with an introduction. My name is Stephanie, and I am 26 years old. My husband & I just celebrated our 8 yr. wedding anniversary this past May. We have 3 beautiful children. Mackenzie, our oldest, is 10 years old. Joey Jr. is 5 years old & we were recently blessed with our preemie miracle Kaylee Lynn. She is a healthy, happy 6 month old ball of fire now. For inquiring minds, YES, My husband is the biological father of all 3 of my children. I wanted to clarify that, because it seems to be the most common question that is asked when I introduce my family. In case you over-looked the math of the situation, I was 16 years old when I had my first child.

I could start this "testimony" with the beginning years of my life, but the truth is, the first few years of my life were pretty typical. I lived in a happy, healthy, non-Christian home. Is that possible? Well, for me it was. I honestly remember my first 14 years of life being pretty peaceful. I am the youngest of 3 chldren. My big sister has always been my best friend. I mean that in every sense of the word. While other siblings in the world begged for their own room, my sister & I cried when we found out that our parents bought a house big enough to have our own rooms. My brother & I were close too. Recently a family member of mine mentioned that they "never understood" the bond that me & my siblings have. It is ironic that anyone would think this, because it is so true. This bond is one that nobody could understand, unless they were a part of it. So, as I was saying, my first 14 years of life, were very typical. So, what happened at 14 that made such a change? EVERYTHING!

If I was honest with myself, i'd have to admit that the first big change in my life was my additude. I went from an innocent little girl, to a teenager with an additude. I see it now, but back than, I could have sworn the world hated me & hated them right back! My parents started have long, drawn out, blow-up fights. I'm sure that they fought before this, but never this badly, that I had ever witnessed. It was as if they weren't looking for a solution to a disagreement, but were playing a game of "who can hurt who more?" My sister is 4 years older than me, so this was ALSO the year that she went away to college. I don't think i've ever told her this, but that had a HUGE impact on my life. There are so many details about our relationship to explain here, so I will just say that, my sister was & always will be my rock! The one & only person who knows EVERYTHING about me & still loves me anyways.

That same year, my parents announced that they would be getting a divorce. Somewhere in this huge mess, I learned that my mother had an addiction to cocaine. THAT was a big slap of reality to me! You see, as the youngest child in the family, I was sheltered! Until this point, I TRUELY thought that drugs were only available in large cities, & in a large city, we were not. At some point, my dad had sent my mother to a rehab, which she quickly signed herself out of. According to my dad, THIS was the "straw that broke the camel's back." My mom tells the story differently, which somehow involves my dad having an affair. What the truth is, I might never know.

To be honest, at 14 years old, I really didn't care much what the cause of their seperation was. My parents had been extremely strict with me up til this point & now that they both wanted to "prove" their love to me, I was pretty much allowed to roam the earth. So, with my new-found teenage freedom, I couldn't have cared any less about their situation. During my parent's seperation, my brother turned 18 & decided to move in with my aunt. This again, was a hard thing for me to handle. I didn't know it at the time, but I was so lost, so hurt, so scared & lonely. What a raw moment i'm having while I type this out. Maybe I needed to be this honest with myself. I find my heart returning to that painful place right here & now as I allow my thoughts to return to those days. OK.... let's get back on track here......

Let's re-cap: at 14 years old, my parents started their grueling divorce, my sister & brother moved out, & I had a serious additude problem & I found out that life isn't quite as perfect as it had seemed, because my mother was a cocaine addict. It would be really easy at this point to turn around & blame all of my poor life choices on these few circumstances, but I refuse to do that. You know... When asked, in a study conducted by a Christian University, 92% of adults blamed their parents, or the way they were raised, for their poor choices later in life. I personally choose to be the smaller side of that statistic. I choose to be the 8% of adults who take the full responsibility for their own actions.

One more thing happened during my 14th year of life, but I feel that it's important enough to mention in it's own paragraph. Long story: short, in my rush to become an adult, I gave an older guy the impression that I was interested in him. I believe that he was 18 years old at the time. I didn't realize that when you showed interest in an 18 year old man, his intentions would be different than my own. I was still in the stage of pinching & poking my boy crushes. I don't even think I had had my first french kiss at this point. His intentions in the situation weren't odvious to me, but became very apparent as he envited himself to spend the night. He was a friend of my brother's, & didn't show any interest in me, until everyone in my house was sleeping & he found his way into my bedroom. I woke up to him forcing himself onto me & all that I could think was how stupid I was for ever "flirting" with him. I wanted to scream to my brother, but I thought he'd be disappointed in me for "allowing" this guy to think that I was this type of girl. So, I layed there quietly. I thought that if I pretended to sleep, he might realize the mistake that he was making & leave me alone. Well, that didn't happen. I'm sure you know how that part of the story ends. The next day this guy went to my brother's friends & told them what "we" had done. how imberessing. My reputation was ruined. I couldn't believe how quickly people's opinions of me changed. Eventually I told my brother the truth of what had happened. I'm not convinced that my brother fully believed my version of the story. I guess it doesn't really matter. A few years later, I found out that this guy had been involved in a DUI accident, which resulted in the deaths of 2 elderly people. He will spend the rest of his life behind bars, where he belongs. Allthough I hate what happened, I truely hope that he someday finds peace in the Lord.

As my parents struggled through their divorce, I continued to rebel. My grades dropped & my group of friends changed. I hoped that I would be able to erase what had happened, by finding new friends, who didn't know about it. I got caught up in a few situations, where my friends would ask me if I was a virgin & I didn't know how to answer that question. In my mind, BY CHOICE I was a virgin. But, I knew that that choice had been stolen from me in an instant. I never told my friends what had happened. My parents both had custody of me back & forth for the next 2 years. Whoever could afford the mortgage payments, would live in the house & that is who I would live with. My mom was so caught up in her own garbage, that she hardley cared what I was up to. And, when my dad was the one living in the house, he worked up-wards of 60 hours a week. So, let's just say that I got away with a lot of stuff!

Eventually during this 2 year period between 14 & 16 years of age, I met Joe. He was everything that I wanted, but NOTHING that I needed. I needed stability, he couldn't offer it. I needed love, he had none to give. I needed discipline, he didn't even know what that word meant. I loved everything about him, even the things that I probably shouldn't have loved. Like, how he was so good at lieing. I was terrible at lieing. I admit, that I was utterly blinded by puppy love. There isn't ANYTHING that I wouldn't do for him. Even if it meant giving him more of myself, than I was prepared to handle. It's sad to think of how truely un-educated I was about relationships at this age. I remember being told, as a pre-teen that boys would not want to date me, if I was not a virgin, but that if I didn't have sexual relations with them, they would leave me. What a big pill THAT was to swollow for a teenage girl. For a long time, I thought that my body was the only thing that I had to offer. So, reluctantly, I gave myself to Joe. Part of me was relieved, because it felt so nice to WILLINGLY give this part of myself to someone, but in thinking about it. I wondered how "willing" I really was. If I had known the demons & strife that would long follow this decision, I may have never followed through with it.

After Joe & I started being sexually active, our relationship took a bad turn. No suprise, i'm sure. I began to get jealous & clingy. I knew that if he had the knowledge of how to penetrate my stubborn wall of celebacy, he might just use these techniques on other girls. Unfortunately, I was right & we battled endlessly through some very tough situations during our first few months of dating. Not to mention, that my dad moved to Canada to live with his girlfriend, which left me alone in a home that my mom very rarely even visited. I'd arrive home from school & find numerous foreclosure notices hanging on my front door & wouldn't have the means to locate my mom & inform her of the situation. So, I just went about my teenage life, skipping school to spend more time with Joe & eventually moving into his grandparents house with him. His grandparents were wonderful. They were hesitant to let me stay & even gave me my own room. Of course, they were old fashioned & weren't about to let me reside in the same bedroom as their teenage grandson. Oh yeah, Joe is 2 years older than me, if I forgot to mention that.

A few months into my stay at Joe's grandparent's house, I realized that it had been a while since I had a menstraul cycle. I had never really kept track of my cycle, so I wasn't sure how late I was, but I knew that it was late. I honestly wasn't very educated about pregnancy, so I didn't make the connection there, until weeks later, when I was watching a movie on lifetime with Joe's grandma & a girl mentioned missing her period & possibly being pregnant. I asked Joe's grandma if that was how you knew if you were pregnant (a missed period) & she confirmed it. Eventually I told Joe this information & before I knew it, his mom was at our house with 3 pregnancy tests. I took all 3 tests & wasn't suprised to see positive, positive, positive! In my mind, they might have well just said "be scared" "be scared" "be scared", because that is just what I was. My relationship was very rocky, my parents were missing in action & I had no way to contact either of my siblings at the time. Here I was, left to rely on my boyfriend's family for support.

Well, PRAISE THE LORD for Joe's family! They were & always have been one of the most stable rocks in my life. What a glorious God he is, for blessing me with this family. These are the people that are now my in-laws. But, please, let us rewind for a moment....

I was 16 years old & pregnant. 9 months to prepare for a baby, oh wait.... I go to the doctor & am informed that we have closer to 4 months to prepare for the baby! YES, I was 5 months along. How time flies, when you are 16 & pregnant & in denial! So, anyways..... Joe & I survive more hills & mountains for a few more months & hold onto eachother's hearts & hands through a grueling 26 hour labor. On July 13th 1999, we welcomed Mackenzie Ann into our lives! I expected to fall in love with her at one moments glance. Just like they showed in the movies. Unfortunatelt, that was not the case. I preferred some over-due sleep & thought i'd enjoy her some more once we got home! WRONG-O! The kid didn't sleep through the night, she cried whenever I had 2 seconds to myself & it seemed like my schedule didn't didn't mean anything to her! HOW SELFISH SHE WAS! My goodness! Honest to God, I cared for Mackenzie just as any mother should care for her child. She was fed, changed, rocked, ETC..... The problem was, I didn't yet know how to truely appreciate this gift from God. I was too young & selfish, myself. This was the last thing that I needed! I didn't need someone in my life that was more needy than myself. I swear, God works in mysterious ways!

I had stayed in school, until my belly started to show & than dropped out. Before I dropped out, I had taken a class on doing publib speaking. By the end of the quarter we had to do research & prepare a speech for our class, about something important in our lives. Up til this point, not 1 person in my school knew that I was expecting. I had completely withdrew from my group of friends & was attending school just to appease Joe's grandfather. I was barely making good enough grades to pass, but for some reason, took my new speech class very seriously. I decided to prepare a speech about teen pregnancy. I think I was hopeing to save the entire teenage population from ever going through the terrifying situation that I was in. I researched teen pregnancy on a website & came across a list of STATISTICS! What a slap of reality. I cried silently at & stared at my computer screen as I went down the list..... the year was 1999, I will try to remember these statistics as closely as possible..........

1. 66% of teen pregnancies end in abortion

2. 12% of teen pregnancies end in adoption

3. 81% of teen mothers relinquish motherly responsibilities to older family members

4. 94% of teen mothers are left by the father of the child

5. only 23% of those fathers are activly involved in their child's life

6. 6% of teen mothers receive education past 10th grade

7. of the 6% of mothers who marry the father, 50% of those relationships end in divorce

8. 45% of teen mothers will have a 2nd child within 2 years of the first.

And the list went on...... It was like a punch in the gut! I was determined to follow through with my speech & I did. We were required to have a "visual" along with our speech & research. So, as I read off these statistics to my very silent classmates, I lifted my shirt & revealed my very pregnant belly. I pulled out an ultrasound picture to share & still, complete silence. I read some more statistice, & of course, not a word is spoken. My teacher was even speechless. My speech finally ended in a standing ovation from a class of about 20 teenage children. I stopped going to school a few weeks later. I still hope, that my speech atleast reached 1 of those people in that room. My teacher gave me a perfect score of 100%. I'm not sure if it was out of pitty, or not, but I was still proud of myself.

Joe's grandfather was a huge believer in finishing & even furthering education, so he quickly paid for & signed me & Joe up for home-schooling. I am proud to say that Joe & I received our high school diplomas 4 months before my graduating class walked down the aisle & received theirs. I couldn't help, but think about how many statistics we had allready overcome! I look back at the list & feel such gratification for our accomplishments!

As the years passed, Joe & I had some more ups & downs. Our ups were good, but our downs, couldn't have possibly gotten any lower than they were. We had issues with money, trust, kids, you name it, it was an issue for us. Not only was I clueless about the blessings of motherhood, but I was sadly mistaken about the fairy-tales of married life. Jow & I got married the year that I turned 18. I still wonder how many people were taking cash bets at our reception on how long our very unstable marriage would last. A few more years passed by & life was still a big struggle for Joe & I. We had our own bills, our own jobs, our own responsibilities. I remember waitressing at a restaurant & having a group of my high-school friends stop in for a bite to eat. They had just had some sort of fun get-together & were just out enjoying life. I took a moment to bring myself back to the days of fun & no responsibility. I was so jealous. Why wasn't it me? Why am I the one working 40 hours a week, to barely provide for my little girl? Half of the girls at this restaurant table had been sexually active for YEARS before I had. Why was I the one who got knocked-up? Why am I standing here taking their order, looking dishevled & under-slept, with stretch marks & a tire of fat permanently wrapped around my mid-section? Why? Why? Why? Why are they so perfectly kept, with expensive clothes? I AM THE ONE WORKING! Do they even know what it is like to WORK for what they have?

Ok, back to reality. I finished work that night & climbed into bed next to Joe. I remember wondering if he had ever had these same thoughts about our life. I felt guilty, when I thought of how hurt i'd be if he considere how much better his life would be, had he never met me. So, I put those thoughts away for a while. Unfortunately, these thoughts creeped back into Joe's & my own mind over & over again throughout the years. I truely believe that this was the biggest demon in our marriage. At 20 years old & 2 years of marriage, Joe & I found out that we were expecting again. I can admit that this time I was a bit more prepared for what was to come & was a little less petrified. Joe had a steady job at this point & decent insurance. We had our own place & were determined to financially provide for our kids on our own. I had found a very respectful job (thanks to Joe's grandfather & my high school diploma) at a dental office. My excitement about our 2nd child quickly grew, when we found out that were were expecting a boy. Gos is so good! On April 20th 2001, we welcomed Joey Robert Jr. into our lives. What a blessing! I was so overwhelmed with the instant love that I had for him. I even sat at my 6 week check-up with my ob-gyn & in tears, thanked him for being a part of helping Joey into this world. THAT was the feeling I knew that I should have had for Mackenzie. Such guilt came over me, when I realized under-appreciative I was for my first child. Certainly, no offense to any teenage mothers, as i'm sure that some DO feel that instant connection with their child, but this is MY story, & I need to tell it as I remember it. In my experience, I believe that teenagers are still children. As children, we are programmed to be selfish. We think only of our own needs & not of those needs of others. So, of course a child having a child, is a marriage born in selfishness. Only later, does the mother learn to truely enjoy her children, in the way that the Lord intended mothers to.

Joe & I continued to work & pay bills & raise kids & on & on & on. Unfortunately, the overwhelming responsibilities & also the thoughts of "what-if's" lead to a terrible loss in our marriage. You see, I knew that I loved Joe. I knew that I loved my kids, but how was it, that nothing seemed right? In the movies, they show the marriage & kids & the "happily ever-after" shortly followed. I found myself CONSTANTLY searching for answers to life. Why was I here? Why wasn't I happy? Where is my life going? WHAT IF ______ had been different? WHAT IF ________ hadn't happened? (you fill in the blank) I'm sure that you know where I'm going with this.

Looking back.... I know that Joe's mind was also racing with these thoughts & also with the stresses of financial burdens & such. Our communication at this point was at an all-time low, since we both worked 40 hours a week & barely had time for the kids, let alone eachother. So, sadly, the sparks fizzled & we let stress & demons pull us apart. We eventually agreed to part ways & were planning a divorce. As expected (by me) Joe actively was involved with our kids & had them for most holidays & every-other weekend. We spent our time apart doing things that, i'm sure neither of us were very proud of. One of us was a bit more active than the other, but we won't point any fingers here. (*wink* *wink*) I tried hard to prove to myself that I could do things on my own, & that given the chance, i'd succeed in everything I tried. HA! That was a joke! Not that I am not capable of doing things on my own, but my oh my, how quickly we realize the things our spouse did, when they are no longer there to do it! I think my garbage stacked up in my garage for about 3 months straight, before I realized that it never walked itself out to the garbage can. But, as silly as that small stuff seems, it really adds up, when you are the only one doing it.

I spent months searching for purpose, for meaning, for happiness........ I finally sat down by myself for a moment & collected my thoughts........ I called my sister. She was off in Oklahoma, married to a children's pastor, with 3 kids of her own. Something made me feel very special, when she took the time away from her busy life, to hear about my crazy stuff. She always did though. It didn't matter the time or day, she was always there for me. So, I call her reluctantly. You see, my sister is one of those brutally honest people. So, if you want to call someone & complain about your spouse, & expect to hear them say "You are right & he's a jerk!" DON'T CALL MY SISTER! NOW, if you truely want to reflect on life & dig deep for an answer, she is just the person to call. Well, in the midst of her lecturing me about the sacred union of marriage & how marriage takes 3 (2 spouses & God) & blah blah blah..... She says something to me that has stuck in my heart for years now..... She says "Stephanie, I have never seen a love, like the love that I see you & Joe share!" She went on to explain how hard she thought life must have been for him & I & how much stuff we had overcome together. She said "Now, THAT is a love worth saving!" I have to admit, that everything else she said to me that day was a blur. But, those 2 simple sentences brought up a fire in me, that had been blown out months before. I KNEW that I KNEW that I KNEW that I needed to save my marriege.

As Christmas approached, Joe & I were in the midst of trying to figure out a structured visitation schedule, so that our kids could see both of our families for the holidays. We collectively agreed that we would both spend the night at Joe's moms house Christmas Eve night, so that we could enjoy the kids opening gifts on Christmas morning. That night, we sat together & cried as we remembered all of the good things we had left behind, when we parted ways. I was absolutely frightened to re-kindle feelings for Joe, because I knew that we both were going to have some huge mountains to climb, to get past the things done & said during our seperation. I felt more love for Joe that night, than I ever had before. He shared parts of himself, & his feelings that I never knew existed. I fell in love with Joe all over again! I knew that THIS TIME I would be in it for the long haul!

We had quite a few hard-times ahead of us. Some more fights, some insecurities, ETC..... A lot of the same demons that had haunted us previously, wre once again enviting themselves back into our marriage. The difference this time, was the knowledge that my sister was slowly filling me with. My sister wasn't forceful, but she wasn't quiet either. Every chance that she got, she'd spend time educating me about faith & especially about the forgiveness & love of God. It was hard stuff to swallow at first, but eventually I gave prayer & faith a try. I remember laying in bed one night, praying for God to help my marriage. I wasn't sure what my marriage needed at this point, besides some huge miracle, but I continued to pray anyways. At first, small results...... Like, Joe would help to discipline the kids. Than bigger stuff, like Joe trusting me to go somewhere, without the guilt trips & accusations of infidelity. It was amazing the changes God was making in my marriage. I was amazed!

A few more years pass & there we were. Our marriage not perfect, but had come a LONG way! We were taking big strides toward improvement & that was incredible. Than, we get some amazing news. I was expecting again! We were so excited. What a wonderful gift for God to give us, after we worked so hard to rekindle our marriage! Things were good! REALLY GOOD! Until, 8 weeks before my due date, my water broke & I was rushed to the nearest hospital that hade a neonatal intensive care unit. I was kept on bed-rest for 2 weeks in the hospital. I had WAY too much time to think! "WHAT IF THE BABY ISN'T OK?" "WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T SURVIVE?" "WHAT WILL I TELL MY OTHER KIDS?" and, the ultimate question in my mind..... "WILL MY MARRIAGE BE STRONG ENOUGH TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS?" Luckily, my sister had taught me how to pray & at that point, it was the only thing that I had left to do. Unfortunately, I had not yet learned to PRAY FIRST, so of course, I waited until it was my only option left. I layed in my hospital bed & began to pray..... I prayed.... & prayed....

"Lord, please let my baby girl be healthy! I know that I do not deserve 3 beautiful & healthy children, Lord, but I BEG you to keep my baby girl safe!" Lord, please protect my marriage! Please help us through this & keep us close! Thank you Lord, In Jesus' name, AMEN!" We welcomed Kaylee Lynn into our lives on February 1st 2009. She was 6 weeks early, but a pretty healthy 5lbs. 1oz. She stayed in the NICU for 3 weeks, which was ABSOLUTELY, no doubt, the roughest 3 weeks of my life. The incredible part of that 3 weeks though, was the overwhelmimg comfort that Joe offered. Most of the time, I refused to accept it, but the important part is that he offered it. I was an emotional wreck. There is this sense of obligation that (I believe) most mothers feel for their children once they are born & than continueing even through their adult lives. I felt an obligation to care for Kaylee, but wasn't able to. I had to leave her to be cared for by a staff of doctors and nurses, that I had never even met before. I don't care who you are, that is just not easy! However, Kaylee eventually came home healthy & our marriage had survived.

I sat down a couple of days ago & started writing this testimony. I want to end this with something that I recently came to realize. You see...... I was trying to live my life to match the fairy-tales & movies that I had seen as a child. I reached for this un-realistic love from people, that never existed. So, I kept reaching & climbing & digging & everytime I came up empty. I was looking to other people for my happiness, and always ended up disappointed. So, I sat & reflected on the things that have changed in my marriage, that have recently brought me to be so content. When I thought about it, I realized that not that much has changed. My husband still does things that he shouldn't, he doesn't do things that he should & in most eyes, I should probably be feeling pretty lost and empty, as I always had in the past. Yet, I dont! In fact, I feel content, happy, peaceful & loved....... How? Why? I believe that those who ask, recieve. I have non-stop prayed for God to bring my husband to faith. I've tried endlessly to get him to follow my lead. However, to my dismay, it has not yet happened. I asked the Lord to help my marriage to fill me with love, peace, contentment.......... But, "my marriage" can not do these things merely on it's own! As my sister said before "Marriage takes 3!" One of us 3 isn't on the bandwagon yet. So, what does God do to fill my needs? The Lord has filled me in all of the places that Joe has lacked in. God is so Good. I have been marveling so long in the awesome work that God has done with my marriage that I had over-looked the truth behind my recent happiness. I'm not yet receiving the love that a wife of a Godly man should get from her husband. You see, when we look to other people for our happiness, they will always fall short. I looked in the right place & discovered that the love I had been searching so long for, was always there. This love that I speak of is even better than the fairy-tales & movies describe! There is a such love as that & it comes from God! What an awesome journey My family & I have ahead of us! I thank God everyday for walking this journey with us!

Stephanie

[tjb1127]

Aug. 21, 2009 at 6:13 AM

Wonderful!

[barby402000]

Aug. 21, 2009 at 8:19 AM

Wow! You've overcome so much in your marriage and in your life. But, you are right about God. He is always there for you and if you ask HIm, He will show you the way. Blessing to you and your family.

Hugs,

Barbara

[Grandma2Olivia]

Aug. 21, 2009 at 12:10 PM

Praising God with you and thank you for sharing !

[MommyMollie]

Aug. 21, 2009 at 12:39 PM

AMAZING!!!  Thank you so much for sharing  a real life fairy tale!  Life isn't perfect, situations arise when we are young, yet it is no excuse for our horrible actions that we do.  I am with you on the responsibility part!  :)  I had a tough teenage years as well, yet refuse to allow it to put me into the statistics.  This is such an encouragement for me to put my own testimony on paper, and I think I will start!  :)  Thank you so much for sharing your story and your love and your life!  I pray that God will use this to touch a young woman who is going through tough times! 

[Libra1]

Aug. 23, 2009 at 1:05 AM

 AMEN. 

[Starfire73]

Jan. 9, 2010 at 10:17 AM

Beautiful girl!!!