New church

[SelaCarsen]

I have recently made the difficult decision to move away from a denomination with which I have been involved for many years. Some of the official church positions are things that I feel are devaluing and therefore, are unbiblical.

I was raised unchurched, but nominally Christian. I was saved at the age of 12 in a Baptist church. I attended a Baptist high school. I went to a fundamentalist, evangelical university where I didn't fit in too well because I have this tendency toward independent thought and analysis, rather than just believing the things that were presented. Afterwards, I continued to attend Baptist churches. When we married, my husband, who had been a nominal Catholic but wasn't committed to it, came to Baptist churches with me. When we moved to Louisiana, we actually ended up at a Methodist church that we both loved! Since then, however, I've pretty much gone to church with just the kids and they've mostly been Baptist. Actually, mostly Southern Baptist. Conservative. Fundamentalist. Evangelical.

Let me make it clear that wonderful, amazing people attend these churches. They are good people and good Christians. They have challenged me and loved me and my issue is not with them at all. It's not even with my pastors, who have all been good men.

It's more of a thought process that has changed the way I look at churches.

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a Southern Baptist church as part of my recon mission. Nice size, friendly people, pretty good sermon. They didn't sing any songs I knew (I love my hymnals and can't understand most modern Christian music. Also, I sing alto, but the new style is for everyone to sing the melody, which means I can't hit most of the notes.), but I was becoming resigned to simply staying silent during the singing. Then at the end of the sermon, the pastor made some off-hand comment about a female pastor who 'shouldn't be in the position she's in anyway.' And my head shot up.

Oh really?

I went home and started searching through the church website and clicked over to the Women's Ministry section. What it boiled down to was that I was able to serve the church in one of two ways. I could serve food or I could look after babies.

Oh really?

That's it? God gave me this brain and these abilities and gifts and all I get to do is serve food and look after babies?

Now, I love to cook, and I don't mind serving food, but I am *over* babies. Also, I understand that there are plenty of women who, if given the choice, would CHOOSE to serve food and/or look after babies because that's what they love to do. More power to them. My best friend would choose that path and I love and respect her deeply. But it's her choice. It's where her passions and her gifts lie.

What about women who don't share that passion? Or don't have those gifts? What are our choices? According to this particular set of beliefs, we don't have a choice. This is what we do, by the simple fact of being women.

The funny thing is that recently, I've been doing some studying on Christianity and feminism. Not screaming, bra-burning, man-haters. Far from it. I've been learning about women who have brains and abilities and gifts who want to do so much more than serve food and look after babies. But in the current version of fundamentalism, that's really where women have been relegated. Even in women's Bible study classes, what do we study? How to be good wives and mothers. How to serve food and look after babies because that's supposed to be our role.

The church that I had visited was going to be having a "Princess Party" for the K-5 girls before the school year started. With 'beauty spa' time before the party.

You think that they were encouraging girls to study hard so they could become mathematicians and engineers and astronauts?

I don't think so, either.

The boys had a "Branded by God" party. I decided not to tell them that when cattle are rounded up for branding, they get castrated and dehorned at the same time.

Did you know that in very early church history, the church fathers actually seriously debated whether women even had souls?

Is it any wonder that the question arose if all we're good for within the confines of the church at large is to serve food and look after babies? I mean, it doesn't take education to do that. It doesn't take deep thought.

And though individual men within the church will swear up and down that they love their wives and that their wives are happy serving food and looking after babies, how much of that is due to the fact that the women in their lives just accept that the only path to God must lie down the only path they're given?

In any case, it's been bothering me a lot. I'm a wife. I love my husband and my children. We made the decision for me to be a SAHM even before DD was born because it was the right decision for us as a family. But it's not right for a church to waste my brains and my abilities and my talents just because I don't stand up to pee.

It. Is. Not. Right.

When I addressed my concerns with my husband that day after church, he looked puzzled about their stance and said, "Well, that's stupid." He was even incensed over the Princess Party and said that they had better be talking to the girls about becoming astrophysicists and neurosurgeons, too, then taking them out to play soccer or baseball or something after they were done being pink. Who were they to tell our daughter that she couldn't follow whatever path she chooses because she's a girl? There's more to us than serving food and looking after babies.

Through it all, I never gave up on God or questioned Him. I know that He is the one who made me who I am. I also know that the church on earth is a human institution with flaws. The earthly church is imperfect. No matter what church I attend, there will always be things that crop up that will require thought and prayer and discussion.

Regardless of my other relationships as a wife and a mom, I am the only person in my intimate relationship with God (God is not a person. He is God). When we finally meet, I don't think His big questions will be whether I succeeded in serving food or looking after babies. His questions will be about how I served Him with the gifts He gave me. Ultimately, I have to make decisions and choices to give Him glory. As pastor said this morning, it's not a question of whether God's on *our* side. It's whether we're on *His* side.

So it's with a heart full of hope and possibilities that I have left behind a group of people who don't believe in the fullness of my heart and who would put limits on my God-given gifts.

I attended a new church this morning. One of the assistant pastors is a woman. They sang hymns out of the hymnal. I was able to  sing along with the voice God gave me, rather than struggle and not be able to use that ability to its best. Half of the ushers were women (Why would you have to be a man to pass an offering plate? Is it all about upper-body strength for that?)

I was greeted by women AND men who, when I told them a bit of my story, welcomed me and told me that there were many ways to serve God in their church.

When I came home and told DH, he told me that after next weekend (we'll be on holiday) we would all attend this church together.

There's still a lot of prayer to put into this decision. Finding a church isn't just about their position on women's rights or their Children's Church program or what time service starts.

But if you remember, please lift up my family for guidance in making the right decision.

[CorgiMomma]

Aug. 23, 2009 at 2:53 PM

I can very much empathise with you in this journal.  I recently walked away from the church of my up=bringing for a similar reason.  I have found another church to attend for now, but I know we will be moving again soon and the journey will start all over again.  I will be thinking of you and your family as you move forward.

[cleanaturalady]

Aug. 23, 2009 at 5:00 PM

I feel the same way as you.  My family attends the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ).  I love that the denomination does not have a dogmatic doctrine and leadership is open to both men and women in all areas.

[arthistmom]

Aug. 23, 2009 at 6:45 PM

I hope you find your and your family's spiritual home. I understand how difficult it can be. My husband once likened it to finding one's soul mate. :)

[truthrowan]

Aug. 23, 2009 at 10:09 PM

Good luck! I'm afraid repeated experiences like your bad one, and growing up in a church where the pastor said every sunday "Wives, if you have not submitted (meaning- spread your legs) to your husbands, and husbands, if you haven't taken out the trash, pray for attonement and forgiveness" ran me off from the baptists. But I do miss the hymnals and the singing, just can't find a church open minded enough around here.

[graceandlilly]

Aug. 24, 2009 at 3:30 AM

Amen!  Preach it, sister!

[SelaCarsen]

Aug. 24, 2009 at 9:01 AM

Thank you, everyone! I've been studying 'Christian feminism' for several months and kept bumping up against my church traditions, which began to seem more and more about patriarchy than Christian equality.

The best part is that DH is really taking an interest in this search for a new church. I'm thrilled!

(Original Poster)