People.

[sweetphoenix529]

I'm tired.  I managed to get about 2 hours of sleep last night.  Poor Rusty got barely any.  I've got to figure out a way to make this pain in my back and arm go away before I go insane. 

I'm irritated.  I know that I need to focus on myself, de-clutter my home, get some projects done around here and then get a freakin job.  I have enough to worry about besides talkin to everyone and their mother on the phone all naptime.  However, I only have 2 friends in the area, and my mother.  My mother got cancer, and suddenly has absolutely no time for me.  She's going to lunch, talking to a million people on the phone, catering to everyone, and totally ignoring me.  Okay, let's be realistic.  She doesn't have as much energy as she used to.  Everyone realized that they don't want to feel guilty for not spending time with her once she croaks.  So, they are suddenly acknowledging that she is something more than their go-to person and treating her to lunch.  I have a kid, so it isn't like I can go in there without further burdening her.  I get it, I really do.  But really, it's my mom.  We used to talk every day.  She used to see her grandson every other day, practically.  Now, she doesn't hear me when we do talk for 5 minutes, and those conversations are so few and far between.  She says she will call and doesn't.  Then, when she calls, she's  2 minutes from work.  Then, when we speak next, the other phone rings or the kids walk in or Mrs. A comes over (our neighbor's mother who lives in the in-law apt.)  Someone shows up at the door, the kids start throwing major tantrums, mike starts talking, or she just hangs up without even telling me goodbye.  I've talked to my brothers.  They haven't noticed.  Why do I?  And why do i feel like I, her daugher, am the one who should be spending this quality time with her, but I'm being cheated out of it by everyone else? 
So I narrowed down my realm of conversation to two.  One, just had her baby (congradulations sweetie!) and I totally get how busy and mind erasing that is.  I don't think I talked to anyone for the first month after JD was born.  I didn't want to.  I only wanted people to respect the fact that I didn't feel a need to be a social butterfly.  In many ways I still don't, really.  I love my family, I love my home.  Why bother going out and getting drunk or irritated when I can be drunk and irritated with the people closest to me? ;-)  Anyway, I basically text her a funny or happy message when i can, and Im sure she knows that there's no need to reply.  We all return to Earth eventually. 
But that leaves me with one.  Who is essentially disappeared off the face of the earth.  I get that, too.  She's got these new cool friends who live nearby and are a great match for her.  Okay, fine.  But every single conversation we have now, usually about 5 minutes, ends with "so and so are here and I've got to run."  I've been replaced.  I have to laugh, because I feel like I was who replaced people who she used to talk to.  So I see where this is going.  But I'm sorry, I'm hurt.  I know that I could have been a better friend-  I could have driven to her place (45 min away) and helped her out.  I could have given her a bunch of rides places and loaned her more money, or something or other.  But I thought that our 280 minute conversations kind of meant we were good friends, and I felt like there was a good balance.  At least, I tried not to take more than I gave.  And maybe I did, because I know that I cannot handle toxic friendships and I've let go of a few good friends because they brought me down.  Maybe I brought her down.  But I can't help but think that this is getting a bit ridiculous.  Why do they have seperate houses if they are together for so much of the day?  I know within 4 phone calls that her husband is irritated, and I get it.  Like he said, "She left us both." 
And I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  It used to be that I had people to call at 3 am when I couldn't sleep.  It used to be I had people to call at 9 when I put the baby to sleep.  It used to be that I had places to go to see other adults and it used to be that I had friends.  And although I tried to be a good person, I guess it wasn't enough for her or my mom, and I'm dramatizng, I know.  You can't just hang on to people and not expect them to stay the same.  But my mom isn't supposed to have cancer and disappear from my world all at the same time.  My friend could at least admit that she wants nothing to do with me now that her cool new roommates are there. 
Really, it comes down to me.  The two most important people in my life are still here, healthy and happy and I am forever thankful for them.  I should devote my energy to them, not the rest of the world.  I have enough to do other than worrying about everyone else.  Job searches, Phoenix, Habitat for Humanity, and adding to that list shortly, Reiki classes, quitting smoking, and beginning to train for my first 5k since high school.  I should probably include on that list getting a bikini wax, opening a new savings account, cleaning my house (really cleaning, not just envisioning what it could look like), and the book I'm still avoiding editing.  Talking on the phone was a way for me to feel human, not a robot mommy.  And it was a great excuse to procrastinate, and it was an even better way to get away from the present for a while.  And not just talking on the phone but really, I whined.  I bitched and moaned and complained because that's my comfort level.  So yes, I get it.  Yes, I should really work on myself and forget about it.  Yes, when you make room for the new in your life, the world opens up just a little bit more.  But that doesn't mean I have to like it, or clean my house.