Ain't No Sunshine (Blaise POV)

[Amorentia]

(Mood Music):

Though I knew Peni wasn't coming, constantly I was searching, hoping that maybe she'd just stop by for a moment so that I could have a reason to smile again. Without her guidence, we were wondering in the dark most of the time. We now relied more heavily on my soon to be Father-In-Law's resources.

 

Never in my life had I experienced so much hopelessness. Without Peni, or my kids, I got a good taste of what the rest of my life was going to look like. I didn't like it. At this point, I didn't care if we were wondering around in the desert for forty years, it was better than being cooped up in a house with a farce of a marraige. It's not like I wasn't trying to find my Father. I was. But I wasn't going above and beyond knowing full where life was going to lead after he was found.

 

Part of me started contemplating going ahead working on getting my fiance pregnant. At least then I'd have something to look forward to pull me back. Right now it wasn't her I wanted to sleep with. Because my Ayanfi-me wasn't available, I wanted to use anyone who was close enough. Strait out of Hogwarts I married Annie. Then I married Peni. Thought I could have lived the rest of my life being happy making love to only Peni, I didn't want to go into my new married life not having sowed some wild oats. It gave me a new insight into why Peni liked to play. It was fun. With my new attitude, we could have so much fun together. That part of my life was gone.

 

There was no way my new Father-in-law was going to allow myself and his daughter to move to Great Hallow. He'd rather kill both of us, and Peni with the kids too, than see me make a fool of his daughter while I lived close enough to love who my heart desired. We couldn't come to terms of agreement on my children. My Mother was doing her best to fight for us all to have contact with them. His daughter didn't like the idea of "the other womans" children. As of right now, unless Peni came to me to bring me to see them in my dreams, I didn't know if I would ever see my kids again.

 

Everyday an anger grew inside me - larger and larger. My thoughts turned darker. The sense of care I developed for other people with Peni shirivled. As the callus was developing around my heart, it's capacity to feel compassion for anyone, dried with it. I even fed to it as much of my feeling as I could for Peni and the kids. The less I cared, the less it hurt. In this corner I was shoved in, I could see why my Father chose to just disappear forever.

 

The idea became more and more appealing. My Mother was resilliant. She was a consumate survivor. Somehow she'd manage a way. Peni had her own new life. It was my kids who kept me from going on the run. Even if I couldn't be in constant contact with them, if I lived the life I was being offered, they would always know where I was. If they wanted me, they could find me. That's more that either Dean or I had with our Dad. Knowing they would never have any way to ever know me would be more than even my Grinch's heart could do.

 

In all my planning, scheming, trying to survive, there was one thing I could not reason away. No matter how much I tried, ever moment I wanted Peni. More than anything, even if we couldn't be together, I wanted to know she wanted me, too. For both of us, that was a crime. Of this crime, I was completely and totally guilty. I wanted her to be guilty, too. Guilty and never proved innocent of loving me.