so miserable

[lilismamadez]

After a difficult night at the shoppe with Lilith, I come home to a messy house inhabited by a sleeping husband. I get him up to help me get Lilith in bed (dressed and diapered and bottled and so forth). I ask what he did all evening. He tells me, rolls over, and goes to sleep. I am so tired of him blowing me off and ignoring me. And I tell him so. And he gets all pissed at me for bugging him, blah blah, he's tired and all that. I cry pretty much all night. He gets up around 4:30am, and gets on the couch. I am still up, crying. He is still ignoring me (he always ignores me when I'm crying, fancy that.). I am so freaking miserable. I give him every open and every opportunity to try to make me feel any better, to pay me any mind, to give me any attention. Ignores me. I ask him why he doesn't care how I feel. He says because I piss him off. I eventually break down and pretty much beg him to just tell me he loves me and so forth with the pathetic bull shit. But no, nothing. He gets ready for work around 6am, and leaves, and not a word. So here I am, miserable, and I am so finished. I told him I was finished. He doesn't care how miserable he makes me because he knows I am so freaking lonely that when he comes tromping through the door after work this evening I'll be all over him like flies on rotten fruit. Well, that's the theory. And it's true. By the end of the day I'll want nothing more than for him to just come home to me. I want that right now, after everything. But why does he have to hurt me like that? Why doesn't anyone think I'm worth any kind of effort, any anything. I so tired of people not caring about me. I don't want to believe it. I want to be like strong woman and crap and be like I deserve better and I deserve to be loved and I deserve this and that and the other thing, but if I really do, why doesn't anyone want me? Not my husband, not a single person have I ever known, parents even, sticks by my side. There must be something wrong with me, not the entire fucking planet. But I know what everyone would have to say about that. That's not true. But where the fuck is the evidence to the contrary? Gosh, and anytime between now and 2 hours from now, Lilith will be up, I'll have to strap on my big girl boots, smile, and make breakfast, and play what's that animal sound, and all that mommy stuff when all I really want to do is just cry. And cry and cry and cry. It would be nice if I had someone to cry to, but I don't. So I'd at least like to take the couch into my arms, cuddle up to a pillow and blanket, and cry... and maybe watch some movies, and sleep, but mostly just ... yeah, be pathetic.

 

So how has your week been so far?

[amber_1024]

Sep. 1, 2009 at 10:48 AM

I'm so sorry hun, I have been feeling the same lately also.  If you evr wanna talk or vent, you can pm me anytime. 

*~HUGS~*