Day #3 without my husband - Journals

nEwMoMmY041408's Journal

Day #3 without my husband
Sep 4, 2009 at 7:53 AM
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- nEwMoMmY041408
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Well, its 6am, I'm up, even though, its friday...my day off....and i just went to sleep at 2 again. the phone woke me...it was him calling. he says he just wanted to say good morning. i started crying (i can't even control it these days), and he said, "I'm going to send for you," i told him i couldn't trust him, and he said he had to go. i guess he's almost to california now. i still can't believe this...i thought we would be a family. i've never imagined my life, my entire life, from here to death, with just one person, but him. we were going to have aubrey, and then in a few years, try for another baby. i was going to finish school and he was going to start...he's always wanted to open up his own business. a sports bar. we were house hunting. i depended on him to hold my hand as we brought our miracle into this world. we were going to do this together. friends have been calling...i try to avoid even saying his name, but they all ask, where's brylin? so, i tell them. they all responded differently, but all had the same feelings. i have wonderful friends!! thank God for that! and my mom is being so great! she understands that i'm not ready to talk about it, but she's being so kind and supportive. she watched our fight before he left. she watched as he laughed when i couldn't take it anymore and had a panic attack, she was the one with the cold wash cloth and rubbing my back. not once did he even attempt to comfort me. not once did he look at me with grief and say i'm sorry. instead, he stared at me with that cold, empty stare, and says he can't take it anymore. told me i'm crazy. maybe i am....i did put up with this for nearly 2 years...and i miss him. i'm trying not to think of that...i'm trying not to think of all the nice things he did...there were some. i try not think of how he proposed (he was so nervous, he had to write it down)...i try not to think of how he quit a good job in texas, to follow me to miss. i try not to think of how we always talked late at night about our lives, how much he loved me, and before i got pregnant, how much we both wanted a baby so badly. i try not think of how we both cried when we saw our beautiful baby on the sonogram for the first time, and heard the heart beat. how scared we both were when it took the doc so long to find her heartbeat, evidently she's a fast mover. i can feel it now!! :) when i looked at him with fright in my eyes, and he smiled and said it will be okay. how he told me before we went to the doctor that day, "if anything goes wrong during this pregnancy, lets promise that we'll keep trying until we get it right." i never expected that...we've both lost children, i've had miscarriages, and his ex had a baby who died at birth. <guess you can see, its not working. but then i think about the bad...how right now, if he was here...he'd call me a child because i'm crying. he'd always say i don't understand why you're crying...i'd tell him, and he'd say whatever, thats stupid...there's nothing to cry about. or he'd say, i'm done having kids. i hope this kid isn't like you. i hope she is...i hope she's never as mean to someone as he has been to us. he gets so mad sometimes that he balls his fist and makes these faces like he's going to kill someone...i'll ask why are you so mad. he always says, "i'm not mad!" sometimes when i get upset, he tells me its because i have "mommy and daddy issues." i have the best parents, btw. i always grab his arm when he gets ready to leave when we're fighting...he'll raise his fist and tell me to get the heck off of him before he slaps me. he's never hit me, but i've sure thought he was. he's left me on the side of road before...100 degrees, pregnant, 5 miles from home, in flip flops. he never apologizes for anything....until i ask for one. and then its so pointless, because his apology means nothing then. he didn't even apologize for cheating. he never apologized for calling all those girls, and there were lots of them. he had no good explanation for the woman's business card i found under the mattress. he gets mad when i try to horseplay with him....even when i try and tickle him, he gets so angry. oh, and when i come on to him...he turns me down and gets mad because i want to have sex with him. my mom paid for him to go to school, and the day his classes start, he dropped out. and then there's the day he asked me if the baby was his.... oh my! this baby is a such a miracle to me...i love her so much...every time i feel her move, my heart races. and its the most amazing feeling!! and incredibly, when i'm crying and soooo upset, she gives me little nudges, as if to say, "i'm here for you." i love this little girl more than life itself...i can't wait to see her and show her how much she means to me. i will do anything for her...she never even has to ask. its like knowing the love of you life is this close, literally so close you can touch, but i have to wait until january to meet her. oh, how am i going to prepare myself for this....i have to get myself together before then....i can't be a mother like this. how amazing...as soon as i got those words on the screen, aubrey started moving....she never misses a beat. Thank you God!!!! i've always believed....He doesn't always come when you call, but He's always on time! Thank you so much!!!

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