I don't want to cry anymore.

[ILoveULolaRose]

I need to get this out and writing helps me.  

My baby girl died 16 months ago...I miss her deeply.  Her name is Lola and she is a twin to her brother Caelan.  I look at Caelan and he is so beautiful and I try so hard to imagine my beautiful Lola next to him playing,  seeing the two of them running around the house, listening to her laugh and cry...... When I watch Caelan sleep, that's when I can see Lola and I imagine that it's Lola lying there.  When I rub Caelan's head, his hair is soft and silky, I imagine that's what Lola's hair would feel like.  I can imagine these things so vividly.  Sometimes, I feel bad when I do this and it's not becasue I wish I had Lola and not Caelan, I just want to feel her presence.  I feel like nobody understands.  I feel like people think I should be over this already.  I feel like I'm labeled...."oh, there's the mom who's baby died".  I hate it.  I believe in karma, but I don't think I have ever done anything so terrible to equal this amount of pain.  I don't believe the saying, God isn't going to give me anything I can't handle, I think it's stupid when I am told this.  I want to know WHY ME?  I'm not trying to sound like I would wish this on someone else, I would never ever want someone to feel this kind of pain....I just want to know what I did to deserve this.  I don't even think my husband understands.  I know we handle things differently, but all he ever has to say about it is that it was for the best.  Lola isn't suffering and it's what God wanted.  WTF?  It's not what I wanted.  I don't want to be a bitter person, but I feel like I am.  I hate the sight of twins, I won't look at them, I just act like they arn't even around.  Pretty bitter huh?  I wan't to be able to look at my precious Lola and not feel so sad....I don't want to cry anymore.  I want to be able to go to bed and not have to pre-occupy my mind with my ipod or a magazine until I can barely keep my eyes open...just so I don't cry myself to sleep anymore.  Some how I am still managing everyday life....my beautiful Caelan, Isabella, Henry and Colin are my motivation in life and keep my heart full of love.  

I love you with all my soul, Lola.  Every tear that I cry for you is filled with love, I miss you.  You are my heart and my angel.  Please watch over your sister and brothers and keep them safe.  XOXOXO

[abouttownmom]

Sep. 4, 2009 at 11:08 PM

Sweetie, you need to see a therapist to help you work thru this. You may even need some medication as it sounds as if you are depressed. These are not bad things. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through, but you need to at least be able to think of Lola without having to exhaust yourself to sleep so you don't cry. It is not healthy for you, your children or your marriage. No one should tell you to grieve on their time table, but you also don't know what your other children are picking up from your behaviour/moods. Losing a child is one of the hardest things in the world because you always want to play the,"What if, He/she would be, etc..." game. Do you have support groups in your community? Check with your local hospital, Doctor or Pediatrician. Good luck to you and you can talk to me anytime. I have never lost a child, but I always have an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. (((HUGS)))