Just need to talk...

[Neeters1]

On Sept. 24th my husband went in to the ER as he was having chest pains.  He was not feeling to well, and has been complaining to the doctors for the last 5 years about him not feeling to well, and how his chest has been hurting, and they just told him that he was having anxitey attacks as they could not find anything else wrong.  So, on the 24th he goes in and they find that his heart emzimes are up just a little bit, and then my husband said that he wanted a test done called a cardiogram, and this is where they put dye in your vains and sees if there is any blockage and if there is they can see how much.  The doctor told hubby that it probably is not much and that if anything he would just need a stint to open up an arterie and he would be off of work for a week and then he would be fine.  Well, when they did the test they found that all 4 main arteries that go to his heart were 90% or more blocked.  So the next day they decided that they were going to do a quaduple heart by-pass.  So, that was really hard to sit and wait 8 hours and everytime they called my name I jumped and got scared as I thought that they were going to tell me that he died or something.  Anyways, so hubby was in the hospital for a week and that was so hard as I missed him, but at the same time I was going crazy because I did not know how I was going to care for my boys and hubby when hubby got home.  So, hubby came home last Tuesday and it has been very hard for me since then.  My Mom and Sister where here for the week while hubby was in the hospital, but then I told them to go home as they had things that they had to do and take care of.  So, I called the county and asked what help I could get as my oldest son has autism and he is like having 4 children all in one.  I was lucky and I got an emergancy grant to get a baby sitter and they would pay her for 30 hours last week, 30 hours this week, and then 20 hours for the next 4 weeks.  So, that has helped a lot..  But I have not had her everyday as I do not think that I need her everyday.  But I am getting very wore out.  Everynight I do not get a full sleep because my husband wakes me up because he needs something or the cat is trying to jump on him and so on, so one of my boys wake up and so I am getting about 4 hours of sleep a night.  I am doing a job that normally 4 people would do.. There is the job of taking are of my husband day and night, and then taking care of the boys, and then the animals.  I also have to clean the house, cook the meals, and do laundry, and drive my oldest son to all of his appointments, and then all of my husband to his appointments now too. It is so over whelming for me.  I do have to go hide for a moment at a time and just cry as I feel like I am going to totally fall apart.. But other then the baby sitter coming in to help with just my oldest I have not been getting any help..  I wish that I could have someone here at night to take care of my husband that sure would help loads for me.. 

This morning I was kinda annoyed with my husband, as he was complaning about how the lawn has to be mowed and he could not sleep through the night because of that, and that the hose is in the grass and he is worried that it was going to kill the grass.  I asked him if he wanted to do what I was doing and I would gladly sleep and have someone take care of me.  He said no, that my job is hard.  My hubby has been telling me that he feels really bad and wishes that he could help, but I just wish that he would worry about things that really need to be worried about... Then my hubby went on saying that he is limp and is upset about that. He said that he wants a boner and has not been able to have one since the surgery.  I was like oh my goodness here I am working my ass off and all you can think about is how you cannot get a boner since your surgery.  I am trying to be understanding to him, and I do not want to fight with him as I am sure that will not help him heal one bit.  All that I know is that I cannot wait for 10 weeks, then he should be able to help more and he can start to worry about thing that he should be worried about. 

Money is tight here and I was looking for a job before he had his surgery and maybe it is a good thing that I did not find a job as I would of had to quit it anyways, but I had to put my job search on hold until my husband is feeling better..

I have been so depressed that it just stinks.  I feel at times that my hubby does not love me as he really does not show much affection, and of course I know that he is dwelling on the fact that he almost died, which I can unerstand, but I am getting really depressed.  I hope that I can stay afloat while he is recovering....

So my world seemed to of been turned upside down.  Though one thing I have to say is that I am glad that hubby is still here with us, and I would do anything for him, but right now I am just so tired and I just want to sleep and relax for a few days.  What makes it so hard is that there is no vacation for me once he is better, no time to recouperate.  I just go on as normal and deal with a child with autism, and keep beeing stressed out..  Oh well, I guess it is just life, and maybe I should just get used to it....

Thanks for reading thing if you are still reading this. :)

[3_ring_circus_]

Sep. 7, 2009 at 2:52 AM

You poor thing, To an extent i know how you feel I went through this with my dad.

I am not sure if the doctors warned oyu or not so ill tell you something many doctors leave out about what happens especially in men after heart surgery.

Most men will go through a depression, they will go through a "poor me" period especially if they were active around the house and at work. the surgery makes it so that none of this is possible some only for a short time others forever.

My dad went through it and i swear my mom and i wanted to scream, he was a strong man who overnight became weak and unable to feel like man stuck in the bed with the women doing the things he normally would be doing.

Do they have him on blood thinners? if so that is part of why he cant stand at attention, its also a part of the healing process.

my heart goes out to you, i have an autistic son i know that this has to be very hard on you. maybe see if a family member can come over so you can get a nap even twice a week would help you out to catch up on sleep.