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Birth Journal - prenatal anxiety
Sep 8, 2009 at 5:30 AM
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- mummy2tristan
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Prenatal anxiety had been a huge part of this pregnancy, and so I thought I'd write a little about it today. I wrote a journal about this in april: http://www.cafemom.com/journals/read/1441286/When_cafemom_exceeds_the_Doctors

I am 4 days away from giving birth to my 2nd child. I am the 31 year old mum of one very independent, self assured and loving 3 year old boy. I am currently 37 weeks and 4 days pregnant with my 2nd child - a daughter. On Friday I am having an elective c section and I am so excited! I am going to write a journal everyday - tracking my thoughts up to this amazing event. Yesterdays journal: http://www.cafemom.com/journals/read/1523364/Birth_Journal_I_am_5_days_away_from_giving_birth_for_the_1st_time

With my first son, I was so excited. All I had ever wanted was to be a mum, and whilst he wasn't planned - we weren't putting in a huge effort to stop his creation either. Like many first time mums, I had a whole series of dreams. Within 6 days of peeing on a stick - he was a he and his full name was agreed. Shortly after, in case he was really a she - we figured out his girls name and from that BOB was born. Bob, being a character from an old TV show 'Blackadder' where the character was a girl pretending to be a boy, became our nickname for the growing bump. All was going well until I was 9 weeks pregnant, when lying in bed, a hugh gush led me to the embarrassment of thinking I'd wet myself - until I realised that wee generally tends not to be red. At that point my mind swirled and we went through the motions of going to A&E (ER) even though I knew what this meant. I was a first time mum and had therefore read every pregnancy book going by this point -I was losing my baby. Being as it was 10pm on a friday night, all they could manage was an internal examination at which I was told my cervix was open and I had lost the baby. I would have to return on Monday for confirmation. I was kept over night, where the prognosis was confirmed to a slightly more optimistic outcome - my baby was given a 20% chance of survival. I prepared for the worst.

That weekend, I cancelled plans and shattered dreams. My mum lives 102 miles from me and so I phoned her - in tears to tell her that I had lost her first grandchild - which was a bit of a surprise as I had not had the opportunity to carry out my perfect plan of how to tell them I was pregnant in the first place. 5 years later and Monday afternoon came round. My baby was doing star jumps on the screen and all seemed well!

The pregnancy progress. I was allocated the consultant Mr Chandler (being a huge friends fantatic - I thought that was briliant - could I have been more thrilled!?) until I met him and realised he was a HUGE knob and appeared to view every woman he saw as a teenage girl who accidentally gotten knocked up. I asked questions -after all I am a teacher not a obsterician and the working of the cervix was a mystery to me, even though I had been in ownership of one for 28 years. All I knew was that them opening up during pregnancy wasn't a brill thing. It was pefectly clear from his answers that my query of what make an incompentent cervix made me the equivilent of the village idiot in his book and the medical treatment I recieved from him from thereon in reflected this attitude perfectly. I should've changed him, I know that now - but I was told he was the best. His bed side manner sucked, but in an emergency - it was him you wanted.

Until 16 weeks, everything seemed fine - then all of a sudden a wild panic set in. I couldn't cope and was struggling. Something was going to happen to my baby. He'd been given a 20% chance that he'd survive - an 80% chance he wouldn't!! My midwife was terrfic - she'd see me twice a week. Mr Chandler - not so much. Admitted at 36 weeks for bleeding, I spent the time sobbing. Mr Chandler was astounded "What are you crying for?" he demanded. I began to explain .."I know why you are here, I've read your notes.." he cuts in. He is stood with around 10 or so of his students and is obviously in his element. He belittled me, labelled me a nutter before telling me he'd induce me. I asked for reassurance that this would be OK for the baby - unltimately, thats all I wanted - a safe delievery for the baby. I would be 37 weeks at the induction and did not want to harm my baby. "Your baby will be fine - it is all in your head" and he swanned off. His treatment of me was that abrupt that it prompted a patient in the neighbouring bed to complain about him.

Anyhow - after a 16 hour labour, complications and an emergency c section under GA, (and low and behold - where was Mr Chandler?? Not anywhere near my emergency, that was for sure!) my baby boy was born - weighing 8lb 11oz and was perfect, albeit a little jaundiced. As all new mums do - there was a brief period of "I'll never get pregnant again!" but of course we mellow and forget - we must do, or else we'd all be only children!

In August 2008 I fell pregnant again, and this time I was determined to be calm.I was having a little girl - her name was going to be Molly. I even went ahead and brought a double buggy. I did have my moments, but on the whole I was confident. So much so that I went to my dating scan alone -it not crossing my mind that anything would be up. I was scanned, and could see the screen. I was as far gone now as I was when I 'lost' Tristan, so I knew what I should be able to see. I knew before she told me. I found the recovery, both physically and mentally incredibly hard.

Conceiving again became a priority and on January 15th, a weekend of peeing on a variety of different sticks ensued and several BFP's emerged. I decided to be proactive. I signed up for counselling, I requested regular scans and so I started off. Time moved so slowly and undoubtedly the anxiety was back, and here is the main point of my journal really.

Prenatal anxiety occupies my every waking moment...

When I wake up, there is a moment of blind panic - I've left the baby unsupervised (Ie: not kick counting) for the past 12 hours - is she still alive? Listen to the heart beat, or poke and prod til she shifts. Have I hurt her now because I've poked?

Why can't I be a normal pregnant woman?

Is she kicking enough?