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Emotional Abusers
- Sep 9, 2009 at 10:51 AM
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- Comments (42) Total Views (2543) Everyone can see this journal post.
I've seen a number of posts recently here on CM where moms are being emotionally abused. I want to share this wonderful article that I came across a few years ago, I hope that it helps someone. Please vote this popular so that anyone who needs to see it will see it, read it, and take it to heart.
Emotional Abusers
Author Unknown
Emotional
abusers are very insidious - some of them are much harder to spot than
others, because they mingle their abuse in between acts of generosity,
and often employ emotionally manipulative tactics, and
passive-aggressive behavior. Not all emotional abusers overtly belittle
and verbally harangue their partners - some are much more perfidious
and as such, their partners may not realize that the source of their
distress and an unease over the relationship has been coming from abuse
for quite some time. The longer a woman remains under the grip of an
emotional abuser, the more she will start to question herself, her
actions and her beliefs. It is the abuser's goal to make her believe
that she deserves his cruelty and that only through her actions can she
make it stop. It is his intent to get her to feel that she is the cause
of any relationship problems, and that his (abusive) behavior is simply
a response to her, and therefore acceptable. It is true, that only
through her actions can she make it stop - she must have the courage to
leave the relationship and avoid further contact with the abuser.
Abusers, physical or emotional, are abusive because of their own
self-hate and internal issues - not because of anything their partner
did. No amount of work or attempting to please will stop an abuser from
abusing. They have to be willing to recognize and actually work on
their own issues before they can stop inflicting cruelty on the people
who love them. In many cases, they don't even love their partners,
because they can't even love themselves, and don't feel that they
deserve love, even though they crave it. Abusers may genuinely feel bad
that they committed another act of abuse, not because they have any
real compassion for the person they hurt, but because they get angry at
themselves for "screwing up" again. This drives them further into
self-loathing, and further into a cycle of abusive behavior.
It
is common for men who are "called" on their abusive behavior to blame
the woman, and claim SHE was the abuser. He may even point to his
abusive childhood as proof that he is just an innocent victim. The
truth of the matter is that abusers generally DO have a history of
abuse stemming from their childhood, with emotionally abusive and/or
physically abusive parents. However, it is important to note that
though women can become abusers, MOST OFTEN (because of the way we are
socialized and the power setups in society), if there has been no
*successful* therapeutic intervention, MEN from abusive families become
"ABUSERS", and WOMEN who grew up in abusive families become "Abuse
VICTIMS". Like the alcoholic, an abuser must admit his behavior to
himself and others, and seek help. Unfortunately, not all therapy
works, and not all people who go into therapy are ready or willing to
do the personal work necessary to get better and eliminate their
destructive patterns. As such, abusers are not safe people - even after
they enter therapy. It can take years of therapy to unravel and undo
the damage and self-hate that has driven someone to abuse. During that
time, the abuser may actually get worse before his behavior improves,
if it changes at all. It is quite common for deeply disturbed people
who enter therapy to initially use the therapy to project their
problems on everyone else and point out the character flaws of those
around them, rather than face their own internal demons. Until they can
be honest with themselves and the therapist, the therapy will
accomplish nothing. For a person who has spent a lifetime of lying and
hating themselves, honesty does not come easily.
More
disturbingly, some abusers can and DO go into therapy as a ploy - to
make it LOOK like they are actually working on their own behavior, and
accepting responsibility for their actions, when, in fact, the real
motive is to arm themselves with distortions of the therapist's words
and tools, in an effort to heighten and increase the psychological
warfare. The bottom line is that you can't trust an abuser, the same
way you can't trust the married man who is having an affair and keeps
promising to leave his wife.
The more subtle forms of emotional
abuse can be the hardest to escape from, because the gaps between the
loving, caring behavior and the emotional cruelty can span several
weeks or months. However, someone who is nice and caring, and helpful
for 2 or 3 months at a time, but then deliberately does or says
something very emotionally devastating and cruel to a partner is no
better than someone who does the same nice things but then PUNCHES his
partner once every few months. The pain, the insecurity, the
uncertainty, and the heartache are the same. The bruises and the welts
are on the inside instead of the outside, and they take far longer to
heal. While someone may be emotionally blindsided by major episodes of
emotional cruelty, and may even recognize it as abuse, abused partners
often "overlook" the subtle everyday criticisms, "chain yanking", and
emotional blackmail that are woven into the fabric of their
relationship, accepting (or denying) it as just part of a
"relationship". Unfortunately, it's part of a very UNHEALTHY
relationship.
It can leave the woman wondering if the pain is
worth the good times, and even wondering if this is as good as it gets?
What if there isn't anything better? When he distorts the past and
blames you for the relationship problems, you may even feel like you
are going crazy, and he will certainly do everything he can to imply
that you ARE. The truth is, there IS something better. You don't have
to put up with a relationship where you are treated poorly, with
disrespect, or emotional cruelty, no matter how infrequent those acts
are. And of course, when you do get upset, the abuser will infer that
you are overreacting, or "too sensitive", so it adds to the confusion
and hurt that you may feel. What are the signs and symptoms of
Emotional Abuse?
A common misconception is that emotional abuse
has to take the form of a partner yelling over every little thing,
belittling or constantly criticizing a partner. Other forms of
emotional abuse can however, be just as damaging, and far less overt.
They can include being disrespectful, discourteous, rude,
condescending, patronizing, critical, judgmental, "joking" insults,
lying, repeatedly "forgetting" promises and agreements, betrayal of
trust, "setting you up", and "revising" history.
To outsiders,
abusers often appear as decent, successful, sensitive, calm and
nondescript. To their families, they are often controlling,
self-absorbed, hypercritical, compulsive, childish and mean-spirited.
Most of abusers are actually BOTH. It is the disparity between the one
they love and the one that harms them that keeps the woman confused. He
may intersperse episodes of abuse with words of love, telling her that
she is "the best thing that has ever happened" to him, and that he
wants to start treating her that way, confusing her further. She keeps
hoping that if she does enough, if she gives enough, he will stop
hurting her and the loving, caring side of him will prevail.
Unfortunately, this is a fallacy that often keeps the woman in the
relationship for far too long. Ask yourself: Do you have a drawer full
of "apology" jewelry, or a closet full of "apology" clothes?
This article continues, as it is too long to post it in it's entirety in this journal. PLEASE read the rest here.
Comments:
This is excellent~ So many think that emotion abuse has to be extreme to be considered abuse. I think our society down plays this way too much, but it is a real problem.
Thanks! It is a real problem, one that too many people even realize. :(
i am seeing this next store only the woman is the abuser...he is in the service..was going to get out never did.he got deployed but told my husband first because he was so afraid of her reaction.she belittles him in front of other people.so i think the abuser can go both ways.she is passive aggressive.her husband is very nice but she has lied to him about us.he told my husband.why would he do that?that was a question you just dont tell on your spouse.hmmm
Yes, it can go both ways. The author just said that most of the time it's men.
Voted popular!
Bump for all to see
Voted popular! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for adding this. For me this is a Very timely piece, so thank you again.
Voted popular
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