You can leave a violent relationship... (Please vote popular so all can see)

[dea121885]

For any victim of Domestic Violence, leaving is the hardest part.

First, one has to search way down deep for the self respect and remember that they DO NOT deserve any of the abuse. Unfortunately, that's much harder than it sounds. Once abuse has continued for a length of time, a victim loses their self respect, and dignity - obviously, this is how it continues.

Once a victim has made the decision to leave, however, that is when strength beyond imagination is required.

There are so many fears to overcome; can I make it on my own?, where will I go?, how will I support my children (if there are children involved)?, will I ever find better?, AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING?

The answer to all questions is YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

Yes, but it won't be easy. It will be hard, it takes time, and can be so damn frustrating, many will question their decision to leave several times over.

The biggest mistake victim's make, is going back.

Each time an abuser wins you back, they are stronger, and you are weaker. Each time a victim goes back, the abuse will get worse. Maybe not right away, but it will definitely get worse.

Amazingly enough, the most dangerous time period for a victim, is AFTER they leave. This is because you have taken the control back from the abuser, and they simply don't like it!

So...they want to teach you a lesson. Chances are, they will do everything in their power, and then some to make you suffer. They will use fear, threats, finances, children, pets, absolutely anything you can imagine. If the abuser knows something's important to you, they will use it against you.

They will play with your emotions. Why? Because they can and they know this from experience. After all, it's worked before, right? They will tell you they are sorry, that they love you, that they can't go on without you, that they have changed or will change, that it will never happen again. These things are not true. It is just another form of control. If your abuser can convince you to believe them, and go back, they have gained yet another level of control.

People can change, I myself, am a firm believer of this. BUT, BUT, BUT not with you there.

IF YOU GO BACK, WHAT REASON IS THERE FOR THE ABUSER TO CHANGE? THEY GOT YOU BACK, THEY NO LONGER NEED TO CHANGE!

If they know they must change, that is great. They can do it on their own, with a professional's help, not yours. Just walk away, wish them luck, and hope that they really do change before there is another relationship in their life.

Keep yourself safe. If possible, have a plan. Have somewhere safe lined up to go to. Have a code word with your friends that means you need help. Have all of yours and your children's important papers (Birth Certificates, Health Care Numbers, etc.) out of the home and kept with someone you know you can trust. If possible try and have a bag with a short supply of clothes and toiletries left with someone you can trust. You can usually get small amounts out of the home without causing suspicion. Another helpful supply is something which would be comforting to your children, this won't be easy for them either BUT, it is better! When children live in a home with Domestic Violence, they are Victims too, even if they're not the ones being psychically hurt.

No one is going to drop at your feet, crying a great injustice has been done, and light your way for you either. For some reason, in society, there is an unwillingness to get involved, like the situation is just too much soil for their own hands. Some will even accuse you of lying to get attention, and surprisingly, many will say "Oh, not him, he's so nice, i just can't believe it!"

A victim can't really blame people for this, after all, part of the reason it is so hard for people to believe, is because the victim was so embarrassed and ashamed, they never told anyone the truth. In most cases victims go through daily life pretending to the outside world that everything is just peachy, to hide their shame. I was one of them.

So... when people say these things, DON'T LISTEN!!! Their opinion doesn't matter. They did not live behind that closed door with you. Absolutely no one can ever know the truth on the outside, looking in. Abusers are famous for portraying themselves in a different light in public. They will put great amounts of energy into this, actually. It's part of their game. It wouldn't be as fun if people were to believe you and feel sorry for you. In all honesty, majority of abusers actually choose to see themselves as the victim. That is why they will blame you and tell you it is all your fault, you made them do it. They are full of pity, but only for themselves.

Chances are, you will lose many of your friends (or rather, people you thought were your friends) when you leave. Mutual friends or couples will often feel too uncomfortable to stay involved. Often no matter which side they want to support, there is repercussions from the other direction - so they may turn distant instead. For many people in society, Ending Domestic Violence is o.k. and fine to be supportive of - until it's up close and personal, that is. Then it just becomes too raw and scary to be any part of.

[dea121885]

Sep. 10, 2009 at 9:07 AM

As someone who is in an abusive relatioship and working on leaving I found this helpful to read.

(Original Poster)

[Lb128f]

Sep. 10, 2009 at 10:15 AM

Thanks! Voted POP. Here's a website that may help too...lots of good info! http://www.ndvh.org/

[Quindamomof6]

Sep. 27, 2009 at 2:27 PM

Thank you for that. As a victim of dv twice it is hard to do.