The Tears Fall onto Deaf Ears

[Kenre]

Today was a bit rough. Sport had numerous tantrums and the neighbors children don't understand. We had to rush to WalMart to get new kick balls for the boys because the neighbor boy had one and didn't want to share. Our boys didn't understand why this little boy wouldn't share his ball, either. This made for loud screams, cries, and huge fits from Sport and Buddy. I tried to explain it to them. We had to keep taking them inside to sit on the couch to calm down.

Then, while in WalMart, Sport asked why some kids were looking at us. I looked over and there were three kids staring at us and one of them starting "mimicking" our ASL and then the three kids laughed like it was the funniest joke they've heard in a long time. I told Sport they were jealous of us. I don't think he understood what the kids were doing anyway, but it hurt me inside. We moved to this town to hopefully get to a place where we were more accepted.

We get home. The kids eat their noon meal, and we work with Buddy to get him to nap (his intestines have been having problems again lately). I lay with Baby to take a nap but had to wake up early when Sport decided to see how loud he could be right in my bedroom doorway. Baby didn't wake from the screaming, but I sure couldn't sleep with it.

We all played outside again. This time Sport knew when he was going to have a fit about something and asked if he could go and sit on the couch for a while. I decided then that I should clean up a bit and start making supper. I put on some YouTube child videos and set my computer up for Sport and Buddy to watch to stay out of my hair.

Baby woke up, though. So, I carried Baby while I was cleaning and making supper. I went to put away a lid to a pot and it slipped from my hand making a large clattering noise on the floor of the kitchen. Sport jumped and looked at me like I had just tried to hurt him. Even Buddy could hear the loud noise and he looked up from the computer screen at me. DH called out if I was alright... but Baby didn't startle or move from his contented place laying against my chest. I looked down to see if he was possibly asleep. No. He was awake and just happy laying there staring off into space across the room. No jump. No startle. No crying. Nothing to indicate he had heard the loud noise that had the entire apartment looking at me for answers.

As I went back to my cooking my thoughts wandered again about the lid dropping. Baby didn't even flinch. My hard of hearing DH and Buddy heard the noise enough from the other room, so I know it was loud and carrying. Baby was in my arms right next to the sound. It's hard enough dealing with Buddy and keeping him safe. It's hard enough to deal with Sport and his needs. It's hard enough to communicate with DH. How am I going to handle another? Between special food diets, therapies, doctors appointments, schools, visitation schedules, my own schooling, and being a stay-at-home mother with no friends around and horrible in-laws as the only family, I am going crazy as is. Let's add to the bunch a totally deaf child.

Yet, I keep telling myself that he'll be like Buddy and DH. That he has hearing. I keep trying to get him to coo at me. He smiles. Opens his mouth and looks like he should be coo-ing or making sound, but nothing comes out. He doesn't turn his head to our voices, and he doesn't startle to any sudden sounds. I at least admit he has a hearing problem. DH won't admit anything. He says that Baby is just well behaved. That he's laid back. That he's too young and I'm making a crator out of an ant hole. He did this with Buddy as well, until the reports came back about his hearing when he was 13 months old. Then it was that he didn't realize because Buddy has some hearing and so he knew Buddy could hear.

We already use ASL, but we use it on children who have at least some hearing. Buddy has trouble decifering tones. DH lost a lot of his hearing while in the military. Sport just uses it since he can't communicate effectively verbally. My family can speak and in some cases we do. To have a child who is completely deaf is like shattering my world around me.

My grandma keeps trying to cheer me up about it. People keep saying that I can't return him. My in-laws call me and the doctors liars.

I sit here with Baby laying on my chest and try to think of how to be happy about this. I love my Baby. Life is hard enough for my other two boys, but what is life going to be like for Baby? I can't stand right now to see my other boys try so hard to fit in with others as is... Right now Baby is a cute thing that no one realizes he isn't babbling. He's something to cuddle and make noises at. I don't have the heart to tell people who talk to him that he can't hear them.

I wish for Sport to overcome his Autism. I wish for Buddy to gain more of his hearing and his intestines to start working correctly so he can at least taste McDonalds and fast food one day. I wish for Baby to have hearing. I wish for a "normal" child. I wish I could say that DH and I are really wanting to try for our girl now. I keep talking about it, but really... we're scared of how bad the next child will come out to be. What disability is next? What have the fates decided to give us next time? Autism... Celiac Disease... Deaf... What could be next for us?

So, I sit here and cry for my children. I sit here and cry for my DH. I sit here and cry for any future children we now are thinking we don't want. I sit here and cry as I see that today showed me that my dreams of a large family went out the window with each tantrum, runny bowl movement, and loud noise...

[kristal2146]

Sep. 13, 2009 at 6:55 AM

I"m sorry hunny.. I don't know anything about having a deaf child, so I'm not sure what help I can be, but you know I'm here if you need to talk. :)

[Kellyjude1]

Sep. 13, 2009 at 7:03 AM

 My prayers are with you.  If you need a friend or someone to listen you can message me.  I do not know anything about Autism, but I know sign language -my aunt is deaf.  The signs are so helpful in fact my 4 year old son, who can hear is learning to sign.  Children pick up on sign language quickly.  There are video tapes that can be helpful. 

[coleyBoosmom]

Sep. 13, 2009 at 8:12 AM

Is there a group in your area you could join?  I know we have lots where I live.  The socialization would be good for all of you...

[coleyBoosmom]

Sep. 13, 2009 at 8:13 AM

Plus they might know of some resources that could help.  I am worried about you.