I pray that my husband and I can work things out.

[sophie_renee]

My husband and i have been split since march. We will be married two years in November. In this time apart from him i have come to realize alot about myself. I am very very stubborn, hard headed always has to be right about everything, things always need to be in place, criticizing, demanding, and can sometimes be cold. I don't show my emotions well at all. I am realizing that alot of things that i did as i look back now were completely uncalled for. I realize that i would blame him for things not going right on my end, and blame him for me not being near my family. My family is who left me, not the other way around. I'm learning to actually show emotion and not let my fears turn into anger, and my tears also turn into anger. I used to get mad because he would have to be at work at 4:30 in the morning, and think that he wouldn't help out with Sophie( our DD 15 months now) but when he is going to work he is still helping when he gets home from work and same with me. It sucked sometimes because it felt like he wouldn't want to ever do anything because he was so tired ( not ) to mention that he worked two jobs at that time and still continues to work two jobs. As i realize what he is doing, he is being a man and a father and hopefully again my husband. Doing what men do, taking care of their families, even if it means sacrificing other things in life for the time being.  I am realizing that i can not sit there and be mad because he is working, i should be happy because he IS working. I was always so critical on how things needed to be cleaned and how orderly everything needed to be, and if it was not done the way i grew up doing it i would get mad and just do it myself. I'm learning that instead of nit-picking how it needs to be done, its better to be happy that i have a husband who was even willing to help. While yes it is nice to have a clean house, I rather spend my time with my husband and best friend enjoying the little time that  we would see each other when our paths crossed from work schedules.  I also had a very big tendency to get more than pissed off when it came to money, i used to be the one that would save and save and money until i had what i wanted. And with the birth of a child came the full realization of all the bills we had. And when it came time to pay the bills and we were living pay check to pay check it was frustrating because i could not go shopping. I also realize its not just me in the relationship it is also my husband so when I want or need to go shopping DH also needs to go shopping. I will admit my own faults finally, and say that i was selfish. I realize that even though i do not want to be living from paycheck to paycheck that this is not what its going to be like in 10 years. As time progresses and raises come in and better job opportunities arise, bills will also be paid off, and money will eventually start flowing in.  I always felt like i needed to have the best of the best clothes, and with a child that is not always possible. I cant take $500 and go on a shopping spree, if we had the money. I find myself  sitting here at my aunts all alone, the time as come that my DD goes back to stay with her dad and i will see her again in a few days,  constantly overrun by the emotional feelings of how i long to have my dear family back, to work on everything together with my husband and not alone. I find myself racking my brain trying to figure out what i can do to show him that i still care. Because this whole split was my fault, and alot of the pain he has IS  my fault. He honestly doesn't know if he really wants to work things out with everything i have done to him, and i truly and honestly respect that. I understand. What sucks is crying yourself to sleep at night because you know there is a possibility that i will never be able to have my husband back. If i could tell him anything right now, its that i will do whatever it will take however long it will take to make things work, for the better and for the both of us. I will not look at the relationship as one sided anymore and that it take two to make things work not just one. I will learn to communicate better about everything including money.  I will respect him, and love him with all my heart, and i will stand by him, even now until he decides whether or not he wants to work things out. I will still be there waiting until he tells me he doesn't want to work things out.  With everything that I have put him  through me telling him sorry DOES NOT do anything, it doesn't mean anything, and it will not fix the situation i have put both of us into. I have to find other ways that actually mean something to him, to prove to him that i am changing, not because he wants me to but because i actually want to make things work. I'm done with the games, of leaving and running from my problems because im not happy, that does not solve anything nor does it make things better. I am learning to communicate, because without communication a relationship is nothing. I will go to him with my problems, and hope he comes to me with his. I want  him to be able to look into my eyes and see the love and feel the love, and know that the love is still there, and will never go away. it sucks having to step back and give him time, but i am more than willing to give him as much time as he needs, to go and do what he wants and not bash him for it, or try to throw anything in his face. I am a growing woman, and will continue to grow, and through this i will grow. I can not sit here any longer and cry all day and all night, i have to get out of my own head and accomplish something, anything just as long as i am not sitting here by myself constantly running circles around myself and thinking the worst of the worst. Because with that all i am doing is driving myself nuts, and then the anxiety sets in. I cannot wait for the day that we can sit down and talk about everything about how and where we would each like this to go. Hoping that it will eventually lead us back together, because in my eyes almost 7 great years of being together and almost 2 of those being married now, is too long to just let it go to waste. Even though it took awhile for me to see all the great and wonderful things he did for me and with me, I hope and pray that god will bring us back together. I miss him dearly.

[Stickmom]

Sep. 13, 2009 at 11:23 PM

I'm sorry you are hurting. It sounds like you are on the right path...acknowledging problems and trying to find answers is the first step in making things right. Have you thought about giving him this (post) in a letter? He really needs to hear this from you if he hasn't already. Some of the best marriages are ones who go through tough times and work things out. Good Luck!

[sophie_renee]

Sep. 14, 2009 at 11:16 AM

Thats funny that you say that bcuz i printed it out and met him somewhere last night, and then read it to him. He really liked it, said he knows how hard it is to do something like that. Since we both have communication problems, but thats what im working on too. :) and thank you so much, i appreciate it!

(Original Poster)