our babies ...

[JoesGirl]

our babies are not supposed to fit in a box as small as the palm of my hand

and yet, this weekend, that is where it ended for our Little Flower Bud

it ended on Saturday  morning, 9/12 at 3am

it was obvious what I saw, and I gently wrapped that Always pad and set it aside, instead of  putting it in the wastebasket

i feel fortunate that he/she was not just dumped into a trash bin while at a hospital

or that i passed him/her w/out knowing

grotesque some may feel, but i needed to show respect to this baby, no matter how tiny he/she was

after he/she passed, the pain lessened, but the dr still wanted me to go to the ER

7 hours in the ER before I could come back home

I made sure my hubby knew why that one pad in the flowery yellow wrapper was on the floor

and he knew to not throw it away

we talked about a 'final resting place', and agreed where that would be

I rummaged around in my craft room looking for an appropriate box for our Little Flower Bud, and found one that was heart shaped.

I used  purple tissue paper to line the bottom, and covered the Little Flower Bud with yellow tissue paper

it was so hard

i didn't really cry, it was more like whimpering as i arranged everything in this heart shaped box

putting the lid on the box was something i didn't think about ahead of time

- doing so broke me

i just lay on the floor crying, weeping, and shaking

my husband comes upstairs and sits on the floor near me

he rests a hand on my shoulder

eventually i get up off the floor and walk downstairs

i tied a ribbon around the heart shaped box holding our Little Flower Bud

just before it gets dark, we walk up the hill

beside the Bleeding Heart seemed the most appropriate spot

while my hubby was digging,

i stood behind him watching

watching and holding the heart shaped box

and a fresh picked creamy  pinkish-white rose

i am somber as he digs

he turned to me and asked if I thought the hole was deep enough,

nothing can describe the pain that once again washes over me when hearing those words

nothing can describe the pain to peer into a dark hole in the ground

but this must be done

and i step forward and kneel on the ground

i wrap the heartshaped box and place it in the bottom of the hole

i also put in all the color swatches i was using to decide on colors for the baby blanket I wanted to crochet

once everything was in place i stepped back again

my hubby proceeded to refill the hole with the earth

on the freshly dug ground we placed a big heart shaped stone i unearthed this spring when expanding a flower bed

once again i kneel on the ground and lay the fresh picked rose on the stone that covered the final resting place of our baby

the tears flow freely

my husband kneels on the cold ground next to me

we hold each other as we cry and say our final good-bye

[v_clar]

Sep. 13, 2009 at 11:36 PM

I am sorry for your loss.

[krista8111]

Sep. 13, 2009 at 11:44 PM

So Sorry

[Mommytwo6angels]

Sep. 13, 2009 at 11:58 PM

I am so sorry dear what u did may have been hard but the right thing to do god bless u and ur family.

[emilex]

Sep. 14, 2009 at 12:06 AM

I am so, so sorry.  We haven't spoken in a long time and I came to say hello--this is heartbreaking.  I will be thinking about you.

[stillamom1213]

Sep. 14, 2009 at 2:12 AM

I work in a hospital. This may sound crazy, but I am glad that you were able to keep you flower bud at home with both of you and show it the respect  and love that it deserved. What you did was so beautiful and so you. While my heart breaks for you, I take comfort knowing that your Flower Bud will always be there with you among your beloved flowers in your garden. G-D bless both of you.

[BashfulButtrfly]

Sep. 14, 2009 at 2:43 AM

What a wonderful thing for your little flower bud, you and your hubby are so special and one day you Will be blessed with a beautiful baby. Prayers for you to heal.

[contriteheart]

Sep. 14, 2009 at 6:28 AM

Wow Joes. What an incredibly moving description. I'm so sorry for your loss, and what a wonderful way to honor your baby.

[Kitricia]

Sep. 14, 2009 at 7:01 AM

*hugs*hugs*hugs*

[GaMomx3]

Sep. 14, 2009 at 8:54 AM

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Jacemom]

Sep. 14, 2009 at 9:48 AM joes i am so very sorry. My heart is breaks for you and your husband. What a beautiful way to honor your sweet baby.