Why I Am a Fattie

[SWKansasmomma]

People take one look at me and they want to run in the opposite direction. I am a sickening sight to many, weighing in at over 300 pounds. I am 5'7", and am considered morbidly obese. I have not only a double chin, but a triple chin. My female organs have stopped working. I no longer have a menstrual cycle, thanks to all the excess fat on my body. My back hurts every morning when I wake up, probably due to all my weight weighing down my spine as I sleep. I can't stand for long periods of time, my hips and knees want to give out on me.

Many people who actually get to know me ask me the same question. Why did I let myself get like this? Get like what? I have ALWAYS been like this. I can pull out photos from when I was 1, 2, 3, 5... and show you the obesity factor. Hell, let me pull out a photo of when I was 3 days old, and you will see how chubby I was even then! I weighed in at over 8 pounds at birth, I was the largest of my mother's two children. I think I was preempted to have obesity issues from day one. So no, I didn't allow myself to get this way. I blame heredity and the way my parents raised me on my obesity. The deal here is, people, you are asking the wrong question. Don't ask me why I allowed myself to become obese. The way I was raised, and all the gene factors were NOT my choice. Instead you need to ask me, what are you going to do to change this?

The answer is fairly simple to give. Change the way I eat and exercise more. Lay off the fried foods and the candy, and go take a walk every day. Easier said than done in many cases. Why do you think so many people who are obese STAY obese? It becomes a mental issue, not simply a physical one. Let me explain...

Growing up, my mother always told me to finish what was on my plate. She was VERY uneducated about serving sizes for children. Add in that she herself was raised to never waste food, and I was doomed. At the same time, she didn't overload my plate with veggies. Instead, I would get a hefty portion of potatoes and high fat ground beef. It was simply cheaper. And when you are struggling to make the house payment, you go with what you can afford. It was must easier on the pocketbook to spend $20.00 on ground beef (the higher the fat, the less it cost) and a 10 pound bag of potatoes. Add in inexpensive saltine crackers and ketchup to make meat loaf, trans fat loaded margarine and Vitamin D full fat milk to make mashed potatoes... It was better than spending $20.00 on a cart load of vegetables and no protein for a "growing" child. Not to mention, my dad was always a super ass back then, and if it was healthy he would throw it across the dining room table and scream.

I tried the exercise thing back then. I couldn't afford to go into sports, my family didn't have the money for the equipment. Not to mention, they just didn't interest me. When I got old enough to care about how I looked, I tried walking. My dad called me a lazy good for nothing fat ass, who wouldn't live up to any good man's standards. I would never get married, and never have children because I would always be fat. I even tried working at an gym, as the babysitter for the children's room. My pay in return was that I could tan as many times as I wanted, and I could work out whenever I wanted on their equipment, or join a class. That's wonderful! I tried joining one of the classes. Then a group of classmates walked by the double window and pointed and laughed at my fat ass. What a way to boost my confidence! So I stopped working out, and I stopped babysitting as well.

Let me enlighten everyone on the mental aspect of it all. Children are mean. Everyone always thinks their child is such an angel, and they were raised to never tease. Well, let me tell you something. You may THINK you raised them right, but you didn't. You forgot to mention to them to never follow a crowd. When I was in school, the WHOLE time I was in school, I was the butt of many a fattie joke. Even in Kindergarten I was the fat kid and got teased. And it only took one mean kid to ruin the bunch. I didn't forget. I can tell you who the mean kids were. Because they stayed that way. Trying to participate in P.E. was a nightmare. I had teases and taunts from the sidelines... people saying "Look at the fattie run! Run Tubby, Run!" Or when I got on the ropes, trying to climb them- I knew I couldn't do it. I weighed too much and simply couldn't pull my weight up. The kids on the sidelines were yelling "Oh my God, she's going to pull the roof down on us! Run for cover!" Nice, huh? Needless to say, I have suffered from low self esteem all my life. That, and chronic depression.

I have TRIED to lose weight. Please don't think that I haven't. I deal with all those troubles mentioned before, plus depression. Depression is a horrible cycyle. I get depressed because I am the way I am, that I haven't tried hard enough to lose the weight. Then I eat. Then I get depressed because I just loaded my bloated stomach full of more junk. Round and round, the vicious cycle continues. Late at night, while trying to fall asleep I tell myself... "Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow I won't eat any more junk, I will eat healthy food, and lose the weight. I will do it for myself, and do it for my child. I will get up early and take a walk." Then tomorrow comes, and I hurt so bad I can barely move. Then I look in the fridge and because I am depressed about not being able to go for that walk, I eat whatever is there. I am too depressed to spend the time to cook.

Now you all know why I am a fattie. Try not to be too disgusted, some of it isn't my fault. It is all part of a vicious cycle that never seems to end. I really AM trying to do my best, I really AM trying to lose the weight. Some days, I just think it would be better to starve myself. I have plenty of fat for my body to live off of. I know that isn't healthy. But I am just sick and tired of being this way. I am tired of all the pain, tired of running back to food as my crutch. Tired of not being a woman... I'm just tired.

[TKsMommie]

Sep. 17, 2009 at 4:43 PM

Lots of hugs.  I know how you feel about a lot of it, as I am living it myself.  

[ria7]

Sep. 17, 2009 at 5:06 PM

I know you can do it and this must be so hard to go through. I know people say kids are mean, but I also know that adults are too. Im sorry for the pain you have endured. I hope you find it in yourself to not let them hold you back. You are a special person made for a purpose at any size. if you would be happier and healthier at a smaller size i pray that you find the strength and drive in you to not give up. You deserve happiness and love and kindness..keep fighting for it girlfriend. Msg me if you need someone to talk to, you dont have to go thru this alone!!

[SWKansasmomma]

Sep. 18, 2009 at 2:10 AM

Thank you ladies. I am having a super rough time right now. It makes me feel a little better that I have some support somewhere...

(Original Poster)

[beanielips]

Sep. 22, 2009 at 1:38 AM

How true your words are.  Some people just do not get it and they think that if we had the self control we would be thinner and everything would be fine.  Some of it is self control... and some of it is something out of our hands.

Do they best you can.  I lost 15 pounds 2 summers ago.  I can't seem to lose any more, but atleast I am 15 lbs lighter and I have been able to maintain it.  Best of luck to you.