To Stand When I Want To Run

[Gaelina]

On each of my forearms there is a small bruise. If you placed a mirror between my arms you would think my arms were reflections of each other except for the difference in tattoos. Aquired during the process of my duties at work they look strange and rouse comments as too how I am feeling and if I need anyone to talk too?

At times I wish my problems were so easily explained away or that I was the kind of person to drown my pain and sorrow in such temporary fixes. It would be nice to run away from all that I am now responsible for.

But life isn't easy and things worth having take effort. And I have never been a quitter.

From day one I have been forged in the fires of hardship, pain, and loneliness. And through it all I have been embraced by joy, love, and friendship the likes I would never have felt otherwise. So while at this moment I feel desolate and empty it's only because something greater is being prepared to fill me with. In this world to create something something else must be destroyed, altered, emptied or some combination thereof.

For me, I have spent a good many years blaming God for my troubles, and I am thankful now that I knew God at all to be so ignorant enough to blame Him for myself and other peoples choices. I am exceedingly greatful that He has never forsaken me no matter how many times I have not loved him. He has always been there by my side helping me through the hard times and he is here now once again by my side allowing me the strength to get through what could otherwise lead me to the depths of despair the likes of which might further some really stupid choices.

I am myself, stubborn. I am smart and passionate and do always what I think to be right but what I think to be right isnt always right in the eyes of God. I allow those bloody wee foxes in and I blind myself. I am imperfect. I make mistakes. Some very bad choices and those choices have hurt not only me but others of whom I care, and care deeply. I have failed miserably. And I am exceedingly sorry.

But it ends there. I will not wallow in my self pity and play victim to such. I am myself and I know what I have done and I accept it and move on. I will deal with the consequences of such as they come at me. I am still dealing with the sins of my past and will deal with them for the rest of my life on this earth but on the same token the price has been paid and my sentence has been lifed and I can walk with my head high and song in my heart because I know the truth and that truth has set me free.

I am loved. More than I can even fathom. And because of such I can love regardless of the torment this world will try to inflict upon me.

Bring it on. I have God on my side.

Tags: god, choices, life, suffering, stand

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