...because you're my husband! That's why!

[jlry_ldy]

Over the next several months, I am going to need to figure out if I am going to reenlist in the Navy active duty and for how many years. Or if my FTS package gets approved, if I'll cross rate into the Active Reserves for four years. Or if I'll get out and start on my degree as well as on my IBCLC.

That last choice is what I REALLY want. I want to get out of the Navy. I've been in for over five years. I do not regret joining. It's a time in my life I will never forget. It's one of the smartest choices I have made and it's why I'm not stuck in my hometown wondering what I'll do with my life.

Now, I'm not stupid. If I cannot get out and make it, then I won't. However, if my pay gets cut by $1000 or so when I get out, we're still in the clear. Much more than that, no I cannot. I do have children to worry about.

I keep entertaining different ideas and making up my mind and then changing it. I just want to get out of the Navy SO bad and my husband was making it seem like we would just crash and burn. So I said, "Fine, I'll stay, go FTS and hopefully not get a crazy deployment schedule before I get out." Then I started looking into it, I started Premier Designs (selling high fashion jewelry) and saw that hey! maybe I can get out.

So I try and talk to my husband, because he is my husband and I want to brain storm with him. Can we do this?

Every time I try, he just goes off on how I said I'd stay in. Then he says I should just retire. Do my 20 and THEN do what I want to do, because "sometimes you just have to sacrifice for a while before you get where you want to get." 20 years of sacrifice is a long time. I don't think so. He said he's doing it, but the difference is he WANTS to stay in regardless. He loves the military. I have NEVER been anything but supportive. Never complained about how deployments will suck, being by myself will be hard, nothing. It's what he wants to do and it's leaving us secure, so I am behind my husband.

But I feel like he's not behind me unless I stay in forever. I understand his concerns, but I just want to sit down with our finances and see if I could get out. He says that we spend too much, we depleted our savings too much and we won't bring it up. And if I try to point out a plan or that we would stil continue putting in over $500 a paycheck into our savings, he's like, "Well, it's ONLY $500 a paycheck....we had the savings at $12,000 and now it's barely $3,000." (Point to that last one: it was $12,000 from the first time home buyers tax credit and we "blew it" on installing wood flooring to make our house better, painting supplies to paint the inside, and some money we saved up to go to the family reunion in CA we had to go to from his side of the family.) He says, if I do want to get out, we can't see my mom in WI (who I haven't seen in 2 years). He says that there are things that will never show up on paper that we don't account for that will just kill us. I told him when I did a rough draft of our finances it looks like I could get out and it didn't seem as scary to me. He said, "Well, you could. I never said we couldn't make it...it's just that we'd have to go without a lot...." I'm okay with not eating out a lot, not being able to go shopping like we used to....as long as I'm going towards that goal that I want. And, of course, as long as we don't have to worry where our mortgage payment is coming from or if we'll eat or pay our electricity.

This decision is killing me. I hate that my babies are in daycare for 10 hours a day or more. I hate that I have to drive an hour so I can cut 2 hours of them being in daycare. DH is in a nondeployable unit.....shore duty, where you're supposed to "relax" and recoop sort of from being on sea duty and deployments........they're working 12 hour days and weekends sometimes.

I try and COMMUNICATE. I try to tell him my worries and fears and frustrations. He just blows up in my face. I try to sit down and show him my options.....I try to address HIS concerns and all he does is argue or he doesn't seriously just listen. Yesterday, I was trying to talk to him and he kept messing with me, like he wanted to have sex. I kept pushing his hands away and he pulled me onto him so I sat on him. I kept telling him, "You know what, we'll talk about it later." He said, "no, I'm listening." Right....so I went on anyway. When I started addressing his concerns and telling him how I could bring in income when I get out....he got angry and pushed me off of him and stormed off. So I went to my friends  house. I get back and he says, "Well, I'm glad you had fun at your friend's house even though you left pissed." I said, "Why do you do that?" He always acts like I'm the one who blew up or ignored him or got angry first. He said, "I wasn't mad...I just had to get up. I am just irritated that you keep changing your mind. You SAID you were going to stay in. Now you're not.....I can't listen to you anymore."

Thanks.

I swear, one of these days I'm going to drag him to counseling or something and he'd better not be surprised that I need someone there so that we can talk, because he doesn't &$$#%% listen to me! He vents his side, he says what HE has to say. I listen and then he's better and done with it, doesn't want to talk about it again. I start venting, he get pissed and walks away. I say something he doesn't like, he gets pissed and walks away. And when I don't talk to him back, it's my fault when I finally break the silence.

[Momof3cuties]

Sep. 20, 2009 at 11:24 PM

Men are so frustrating!!! Sorry you are dealing with this right now bc it's a huge decision...not like deciding to stay in another job...you are bound to this one...I sure hope that he opens his ears to hear what you have to say & that you two find a solution!  (((hugs))))

[MybabyKisses]

Sep. 28, 2009 at 5:27 PM

I don't blame you at all for wanting to get out and spend more time with your babies. You know they are only little once and it seems like you have to spend a lot of time away from them. I really hope you get to do what you want...it sounds like you know what you want but you keep changing your mind bc of your dh. I am here if you need to vent