When NOT to stay together "for the kids"! *please BUMP up* from my own personal story.

[babymomma0306]

Just listen to this song it sums up so much.

Let me start by saying my father, or sperm donor as I call him, is a alcoholic, compulsive gambler, and a liar. I don't have anger issues do I? LOL

My father had epilepsy and his symptoms were close to the signs of being drunk. Even the weird smell on the breath the Dr. said was some kind of chemical imbalance. So anytime he came home drunk we thought he was having a "seizure". and couldn't help his behavior. For years I can remember waiting nervously to see if daddy was coming home ok or sick. I can remember that when he was having a really bad "seizure" my mom would send us to my grandmothers house so we'd be safe and he wouldn't hurt us. he didn't hit her very often but one time is still to much. He'd mainly break and throw things, something that was important or of value to my mother in order to hurt her as much as possible I guess. We would cry and beg my mom to come with us to our Nana's house and she'd say that she's be there soon (my grandmother lived across the street from us). I would try to stay as long as I could so I could protect her if dad hit her. She'd yell for us to leave then dad would get angry and say they're not leaving I'm fine. i think I spent 1/2 my childhood having "slumber parties" at my grandmothers house. My mother stayed with him because he couldn't help it according to the Dr. and she loved hi and wanted us to have our dad in our life...I would've preferred my life without him and I know my little sister feels the same way.

   One day my father slipped up and left a beer can in the house. My mom, who was only about 110lbs. smashed the can up against his arm while he was sleeping she was so pissed (go mom)! He confessed to everything she told him he had 1 year to get straightened out or he'd be gone. After his problem was in the open it got so much worse, more screaming, drinking, and he'd steal money form my mom's purse. One time I told him he acts like he doesn't even love us and he said well maybe I don't! I was 15 at the time, I through down the dinner I was cooking and ran off. Me being the older sibling I got alot of the responsibilities. My sister wouldn't talk to our mom about how she felt...I would stay up for hours into the morning with her and she'd talk to me about how she felt and what she was dealing with. She use to call me her mom that couldn't punish her, she is 3 years younger then me. I was also the one who's shoulder my mom cried on about my father. My sister and I use to beg her to leave him but she wanted to give him every chance possible so she could divorce him with a clear mind if it came to it. After a couple years she finally kicked him out, but she didn't divorce him and kept giving him chance until I was almost 18. She'd try to make us keep contact with him. "he's still your dad and one day you might regret it when he's dead" she'd tell us. My sister went wild for awhile as a result of my father...if he can do it why can't I then? She'd say. She's ok now with a great hubby and beautiful little girl though. My sister and I about danced for joy when she told us she was filing for divorce! he still writes us every so often and bugs us, wanting to see the grand kids (uh HELL NO!!!). PLEASE if your in a abusive relationship, whether he calls you names, hits you, or abuses drugs/alcohol, GET OUT, Save yourself and your children before it's to late.

This is a poem I write awhile ago about growing up with my father and the effect it had on all of us.

 

I tried to kill myself today

Just to make the pain go away

You never knew, I showed no signs

Either that or you were just blind

It was to much, the stress was mounting

As time ticked by, the minutes I was counting

My father gone, the drink meant more

Would rather leave then go to rehab

Was living with us really that  bad

Now I'm left to pick up the pieces

Mom is crying my sister lost

This isn't my place in the family to bare this cross

Being the oldest, I take on the role as dad

Even though I'm 16 she better off with me then with him, what she would've had

I remember you banging on the door drunk

My sister hiding, my mom crying, and me standing inside the door

With a knife in my hand not knowing what to do next

I wanted to stab you, make you go away

I wanted to protect my family, even if it meant a harsh punishment for me one day

I put the knife down and walked away, I'll never forget how I felt that day

I felt like a coward, like I couldn't do what needed to be done

Like someone had to save them from you and able to do it I was the only one

They still don't to this day know what I almost did

His sweet little angel, his perfect kid

I was the one who stayed up all night with mom crying on my shoulder

You should've loved her, you're the one who's suppose to comfort and hold her

Now my sister had issues and I'm the one who stays up all night

Talking to her, counseling her, worried about her

I'm not her parent but that's the roll I decide to take

If I don't I know later I'll regret it, it'll be a mistake

She needs someone to guide her and it's sure not you

If it wasn't for me what would she do

My mom tried to be strong but I understand it's hard

When the man you love and marry trades you and your children

For a night in the bar

I tried to kill myself today

No one knew I was even depressed

I'm the strong one, the protector, you don't ever get in her way

They thought I was moody, or it was hormones

Maybe I was just being a bitch

It could never be she on the verge of losing it

I stood there late at night, with the pills in my hand

Wondering what we did to you that you hate us

What must I do to make the hurt go away

I just want to feel better, isn't that ok

I stop and close my eyes, take a deep breath

I really feel like I have nothing in me left

While my eyes are closed I get this image in my head

Of what will happen when I'm gone, when I'm dead

Who will talk to my sister, who will comfort mom

Who will protect them when I'm gone

It sure as hell ain't you you'll even probably make my funeral all about you

And all the pain that your poor little heart is going through

And for my mom and my sister, they'll blame themselves

I think some more then put the pills back in the cabinet, back on the shelves

I relieze that if I do this, I have turned into him

I'm thinking about only myself if I give in

Eleven years later I look back on that day

Of all the things I almost threw away

I never would have had my babies the loves of my life

To see them smile and say I love you mommy

Would've never met my husband and become his wife

Would have never been a very pregnant maid of honor on my sisters wedding day

Would have never teared up when my mom gave her away

Would have never met some of the wonderful supportive friends I have now

Looking back I would have never guessed how I'd be feeling right now

The love that is given to me and I the love I give back

I could have lost it all if that night I hadn't put the pills back on the rack

If you think a friend is just having a bad day

Please turn turn around and walk the other way

Stop and talk, just offer a ear

You never know just what you might hear

I almost tried to kill myself that day

But I didn't

 

[sandra1023]

Sep. 21, 2009 at 12:21 AM

[Lb128f]

Sep. 21, 2009 at 12:26 AM

I'm sorry. No one (no child) should have to live in that environment. :(

Thanks for sharing the song. Voted pop.

[Momma_Halo]

Sep. 21, 2009 at 1:23 AM

I am so sorry you went through this. This is why I try to help out as many women as I possibly can who are going through this. They need one less person to be abusive to them so they can seek help.

[LYNDELOU]

Sep. 21, 2009 at 1:31 AM

I am so sorry you were put through this :( ...So sad!   You know why I do the things I do...Because of all the stories here in real life I SEE and what I read on here!!!!

No one especially a child should EVER have to deal with this!!!

[eeyoreplus4]

Sep. 21, 2009 at 11:03 AM

No child should have to live with abuse & I am sorry that this was your life experience. Thank you for sharing {{{HUGS}}}

[mmtosam06]

Sep. 21, 2009 at 1:52 PM

HUGS mama Im sorry you experienced that as a kid  no kid deserves to be put through abuse of any kind

[MegaMamaTX]

Sep. 21, 2009 at 2:04 PM

AMEN!!!! Sometimes no dad is better than an abusive one. I can attest to that!!

[niende89]

Sep. 21, 2009 at 2:30 PM

That is an amazing story. Its so sad that those are the memories of your child hood. I have many friends who have similar stories but they turned out much different. Many of them are much like your sister. They went a little crazy. You have a great testimony of what you put your children through when they live in an invironment like that. Please keep telling your story. So, many people need to hear it.

[rapunsel]

Sep. 21, 2009 at 2:53 PM

my dad wasnt an alcoholic and not a gambler. and i still had to go through all this .. and even we children got our fair share of abuse.. when i got raped by our neigbours boy and i told my parents they didnt do a damn thing..  yeah that one day when hubby and i went back home they invited him for a bbq. ?? now whats up with that.. and my parents are still married.. what do you do??

[Tedda]

Sep. 21, 2009 at 4:19 PM My dad was an acholic but my mom did leave.. He could only come around when he was sober which wasn't very often... I told him when I had my oldest if he couldn't be a grandfather don't be nothing that lasted on and off for about 7 yrs last time he saw my kis were 9,7,5and 3 and now they have kids of their own except the youngest... I have a great stepdad that is an awesome grandfather and greatgrandfather... I needed my sperm donar ahter my mom died he never showed up I may call and check on him but uysually I just send him a card at holidays with pictusr of my children with their child to show him want his missed.. My mom did an awesoke job without him.. I really didn't mean for this to be long!!! I am glad you didn't take those pills...I cried reading your poem!!!