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The Recovering Catholic
- Sep 21, 2009 at 10:34 PM
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Yessiree... that would be me. The recovering Catholic.
No, this is not a "bashing Catholics" journal. This is simply one woman's journey through Catholicism and thereafter. If you are a Catholic and happy with your faith, good for you. Not everyone has the same experiences however and some of mine you may not like and may disagree with... if that is the case, leave now.
I was not born Catholic. I was born human. My mother was raised Catholic but married a Protestant. They attended a non-denominational Bible church when I was born. But when they divorced (I was still a baby at the time), my mother went back to her Catholic faith as that was the one she knew, plus all of her family was Catholic.
So I was baptised as a baby (you'd have to ask my mother my exact age as I was too young to remember my baptism into the Catholic faith). My mother did the best she could with what she had as a single parent. I went to Catholic school until I was in 7th grade when she pulled me out of school and started homeschooling me (but that is a different journal altogether).
I was in CCD for as long as I could remember. I remember my 2nd grade class preparing for our First Communion and then later my class (in a different church) preparing for Confirmation.
I grew up in small churches and large churches. Areas with a high population density of Catholics and areas where there were very few Catholics. I lived places where there was a Catholic parish every other block and places where the next closest parish was 40 (or more) miles away.
But no matter where I was or what church or school I was in there were similarities between them all. Young children were taught not to do this and not to do that and that this is a sin and that is a sin... We were taught that to question the authority of the church was a sin. And to question the tradition and doctrine was a sin. We weren't going to heaven, we were not good enough... but we could get into purgatory. And our family would pray for us to go to heaven.
My mom's family, while very devout, could not help much. I knew better than to question the beliefs with them. But my mother and I had very intellectual conversations from the time I was a small child until I finally chose to leave the church. I have questioned many priests and nuns and fellow believers. And the most intellectual response I received was "that is our tradition."
My mother provided much of my education in religion. She, having her own questions about the faith, provided an excellent sounding board for my many questions. But she too provided very few answers because she, herself, had the same questions as I. We were lost together. But she grew up in a time far different from mine. Mass had been spoken in Latin during her childhood. What do you get out of that? Not much. She learned, over time, not to question the authority of the church or the teachings of the church. She was also unable to help in some of the basics of the Bible as she had not learned how to read the Bible either. As a matter of fact the family Bible in her home was rarely opened but to add to the genealogical information in the front.
But then, the church even looked down on my own family. As the parent of a single mother, at the time, I was an anomoly. I was weird. I didn't have a dad sitting on the pew next to me at church. My family (my mother and I) were looked down on for her marital status. Even one of the nuns at one of my schools had the gall to call it out in a parent-teacher conference saying, "Now, I know we are going to have problems because you are a single parent." Well, if that ain't a low blow. You'd think that had come from the mouth of some really old and senile nun who but no, this nun was actually in her early 30's. I'm afraid to ask what this nun would have said had she known that my sperm donor (i.e., father) was a Protestant!
I was told, in my mid-teenage years, to read my Catechism (this was shortly after the new catechism came out - no more rote responses of the Baltimore catechism that I had had to memorize for my confirmation). This new catechism was the answer. It explained the traditions and beliefs. Now, at 14 I had a reading comprehension level beyond the college years. But trying to read the catechism provided more questions than answers and stifled my brain with verbosity and annoyance.
Why not go back to the roots of Christianity... the Bible. Well, I was a pariah because I read my Bible.... something frowned upon by the churches I attended. Those churches took the stand that the priest will tell you what you need to know. Your CCD teachers will tell you what you need to know. The Bible? That is just a confusing piece of work. If you read your Bible, you are not trusting your priest and parents and teachers. If you have questions about the Bible, why were you reading it in the first place?
These things were not taught. How to read the Bible was not taught. Sure you can read it from front cover to back but what do you get out of that? Do you understand what you are reading? And if you don't, where do you turn for help? I tried my parish priests but after the look of shock that someone in their congregation actually read the Bible and was asking a question about it, the same pat answer resonated from his lips, "because it is our tradition." Or, one of my personal favorites, "Are you questioning God?"
It seemed like many of the times I would seek reassurance from my church I was frowned up and questioned myself. I was to blame for the faith I was trying to learn and find. But whenever I asked a question I was told I wasn't faithful and that I wasn't trusting in God. That is a lot of blame to place on an 8 year old, or a 12 year old, or a 16 year old. Instead of answering a simple question, just start blaming the child.
This attitude still resonates today as I see many, many, many times even here on Cafemom. Blame. Do not deal with the question, just blame the person giving their experience. It doesn't matter if that person was only 9 at the time... toss that blame out. It doesn't help the Catholic cause.
I still suffer to this day, years after I have left the church, with huge amounts of Catholic guilt (ask my husband! LOL). I should never have questioned, I should have always simply been a follower, just listen to the priest and keep my mouth shut... But that is not who I am. I have always been more than simply a follower. I read, I explore, I ask questions, I seek answers... answers that never came from the church.
The advent of the internet has helped a great deal in this exploration process. But as a young child, this was not available. Now, years after leaving the church, and after searching and study and reflection and prayer, I have found my church home. It is not with the Catholic faith.
It has taken many years to "catch-up" with my fellow Protestants. I am still learning, even now, how to study my Bible. How to REALLY study the Bible and learn the stories (more than the simple pat stories of Noah and creation and Christ's resurrection). I am still learning how to pray. Growing up with rote prayers for the morning and at meals and in the evening and in services. I never knew how to talk to God and listen for his response. If it wasn't written out, we didn't say it. Prayer was never from the heart, but from a book.
So that is where I am today. I left the church 16 years ago and I am still recovering from my many years in the church. The guilt, the shame, the blame, the anger, the frustration... but it gets better every day. A little less shame and pain. A little more hope and love.
I do not want to be like my grandmother. Rarely smiling. Always dwelling on the guilt that was ladled onto the follower of many years. Never feeling good enough to be worthwhile in God's eyes. Constantly doing penance for things not her fault. Hoping that my children's prayers (and intercessions) will relieve me from purgatory and through the pearly gates.
This was MY experience with the Catholic church. One of guilt and pain. I would like to stress that as with EVERY religion, it varies from church to church, from city to city, from country to country. Some churches may be better, more enlightened, than others. But that was not my experience. If you dislike what I had to say about MY experience, fine... disagree and move on. Do not bash me, my life, my family or what I have had to say simply because YOUR experience has been different. You had a better experience, great! Congratulations. I am happy that you have a place where you can belong.
As for me, that was not my life. I have found a new church home where I feel hope and love and at peace. I love the fellowship and joy of the service. I am at a place where I can feel God's presence in my daily life.
So, why am I even writing this? Education, pure and simple. When anyone is trying to learn about anything, they need to hear the good and the bad in order to make an informed decision. No one is perfect just as no church is perfect. When looking for a church home, those searching should hear the experiences of those in the church now and those who have left the church and the reasons some have stayed and some have left. Finding a religion that best suits the individual demands study and reflection on the goods and the bads of each religious denomination (or non-denomination).
I am grateful to my mother for allowing me to ask questions to come to a better understanding of religion and God and for being supportive in my decision to leave the Catholic church and search for a new church home.
All comments of anger, blame, shame and guilt will be deleted from this post.
Comments:
I grew up Catholic as well, went to Catholic school. As I got older I knew it wasn't the right fit for me. I tried a few different religions till I found the one that was the right match for me. I have been an active LDS member for 7yrs. I can ask as many questions as I want, if one person doesn't know the answer they will go and find the answer for me. Scripture reading and discussion is highly encouraged. We read the KJV Bible and the Book Of Mormon.
The Catholic faith works for many, just not for me
I too, was raised in a Catholic Church and went to Catholic schools most of my life. At the time, being a little Catholic girl was all I knew, but as I grew older, I had questions too, which there was no answers, at least answers I could make sense of. It seems to me that the Catholic Church has the basics, but the church adds alot of man-made rules. We never were taught to read the bible, that was the job of the priest, and you were not to question anything he said.
We were taught you had to be "good enough" to get to heaven, and yes, there was alot of guilt associated with being brought up in this religion.
The main thing I learned later as an adult, was about grace. Amazing Grace! I had to re-learn from the bible that NONE of us are "good enough" to make it to heaven on our own, it's only through God's grace, and Jesus' blood that we will be there. Thank you God!
Anyways, just thought I'd put in my two cents. It's kinda a relief to hear that there are others brought up like us, and still found a way to have a relationship with God, in their own way.
Thanks Barb!
Thank you all for the comments!
Lynette, I have been through more churches than I could count looking for a "home." I have found mine, I am glad you have found yours as well.
MyLovngheart, hmmm.... the story sounds vaguely familiar.... did you live my life? LOL It was a long road coming to where I am now, spiritually speaking, but one that has shown me a lot about myself and how I used to perceive God as compared to the now and the personal relationship I have with God. He is always there, whenever I need Him and even when I think I don't and He will give me the strength to be the best person I can be and do what He wills me to do.
(((HUGS)))
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Sorry you ran into so many people that did not help you or answer your questions. For someone to have given you something so simple as a Latin/English Mass translation (the Latin and English were on opposite pages), would have been an enormous help when you were young. Then you would have seen that the Bible was very much a big part of the Mass.
I can't understand why your family, your grandma in particular was so unhappy, it's likely she didn't know enough about her own faith to be happy or help pass it on to you. The belief in purgatory is a great blessing and mercy of God for all who are there will one day get to Heaven. If you are studying now, you will find that nothing unclean gets into Heaven, you will pay the last penny of what you owe from your time on earth.
I am glad to hear you are studying now, if you can, get the books on the ancient church fathers, and you will see many of the things that were believed. As John states in the Bible, not all the things that Jesus said and did were recorded. Jesus taught the Apostles Himself, and those around him. That is why you will find many things practiced in the Catholic Church that aren't necessarily recorded verbatim in the Bible.
Remember too, that Jesus established only one Church, and the Church (made up of the believers, i.e., the Apostles, other followers, and those converted, was being established as a teaching authority about 400 years before the Bible was canonized, so there was no Bible per se before that time. Many of the writings did not make it into the Bible.
- AprilT
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