I hate my mother. Yep, after 24, nearly 25 years, I can finally tell myself I hate her. Oh don't get me wrong, i do love her--but only because she carried me for 9 months and gave me life, against the wishes of her first husband, and under a TOn of stress.

But, I hate who she is as a person. Let me go into it. This is more cathartic for me, than anything, so I promise to get a bit ramble-y! LOL

My mom was raised by two alcoholics. one who was a mama's boy and womanizer, who knocked up his friend's and then had his children aborted against the girl's wills(back in the fifties, this was quite easily done). The other nutcase, her mother, is a schizo, with multiple personalities, and would beat all her kids anytime she felt down. She actually poisoned her oldest with opium juice for so many years, he became mentally retarded, and she gave him up for adoption when he was eight. Why? because he tore her on his way out.

My mom was of course affected by this. Who wouldn't be? Now, my mom, while loving towards the grandkids, is a hateful, spiteful, manipulative witch to me and my sister. Take our childhoods.

I would ride the bus home everyday praying to jesus that my mommy would play with me today. When I got home, more often then not, she was still asleep in bed. Once I made the mistake of waking her and asking her to play with me. I don't think I'll ever forget that spanking. Then I was locked in my room. Why? because the rules were not to bug mommy when she was sleeping, even if I was hungry. Mom and Dad impressed on us at an early age that my mom's wants came ahead of everything else.

When I was in elementary school, until I was about 10 and I learned how to pick locks, I was locked in my room every night. Locked as in door shut, handle lock engaged, then rope tied to the handle and then to the bathroom door handle so I couldn't open it even if I got it unlocked. My mom did this because she said I would raid the kitchen and pantry and go on "sugar binges" . Which basically meant, I would grab cereal and other food kids like and eat it befor emy parents go tup around 12 noon on weekends and during the summer days. On weekdays, Mom would wake up in the morning long enough to make me breakfast and get me out the door. Then she went right back to sleep.

One morning I felt so sick. She made me grits(my favorite) and when I had eaten half I tol dher I felt like I was going to puke if I ate more. She smacked me and made me finish it. Then I had to go brush my teeth. On the way to the bathroom, I threw up in the hallway. I was spanked, put to bed, and then when I got up an hour later, I ghad to scrub the carpet to get the grits up. I was 8.

All my teen years, the thing I heard most from my mom was how ugly my body was. You see, i didn't get my period till I was 14. I didn't need a training bra till I was 16. I was skinny, and flat as a baord. My mom was...hefty, and had tits the size of watermelons. I still cry everytime I stand naked in front of a mirror because I am still as ugly now as I was then. i worry everyday my husband will leave me for someone with a real chest and a nicer tush. It breaks my heart even writing that.

When i was 15, i found a guy I really liked and who really liked me. Only problem was he was 18 and my parents hated him(as they have hated everyguy I ever dated, though goodness knows why) Jordan and I dated secretly for six months. Of couyrse, when I say dated, I mean cut class and held hands under the stairwell while talking about what we would do when he graduated and how we were going to get married when I was 16. I wasn't allowed to date. I wasn't allowed to leave the house. I wasn't allowed to have friends over(though my sister could and did all those things) I was a prisoner in my home, hiding in my room, listening to sad music, wishing I would die, and eventually trying to kill myself quite a few times.

Anyways, back to Jordan. We decided to go all the way one day. In the school auditorium was a loft where kids had set up a make out place with a matress, sheets, and condoms. Well, Jordan and I cut study hall and went up there. We tried to have sex, but because I weighed only 80 pounds, I was just too small and it hurt too much. Jordan wasn't enodwed by any stretch of the imagination, but I was not nearly developed enough, so he stopped.

Well, he told his ex, who called my parents and told them. Mom immediately came to me and smacked me literally across the room. She called me a whore, asked how I liked it and siad I f I got knocked up she would di my bastard out with a rusty hanger herself(this from the women who just found out my 16 year old sister was pregnant and was alreay decorating my room to be the nursery--oh yeah, I slept in the living room after we found out Jamie was pregnant BTW)

Well, they went to the school, and told them. I got expelled. Of course. I was homeschooled by a teacher sent from the schoolboard for the rtemaing  three months of ninth grade and allowed to return to school my tenth grade year.

But that summer...God that summer. it was literally hell. i wasn't allowed to speak to anyone, I wasnt allowed to have friends. i wasn't allowed to leave the house, unless I was sick enough to need the ER(which I never was) Around October I was finally allowed to go into the garage again, which is where Daddy would hang out. We had a few very good talks that month. He is the reason i joined the Army, married the man I did, and became who i am today. Daddy didn't agree with 99% of what Mom decreed, but as her whipped hubby, he went along with it.

Jamie ended up giving birth in November. I was diagnosed as Bipolar type II, a diagnosis recently labeled a mis diagmosis(it was puberty as I thought all along) in August. I got to take about 6 differnt medicines a day. Anytime I had any emotion, Mom would drop me off at the pysch ward and declare I was having an bipolar episode. The longest i stayed in that particular ward was 9 days. I was in a long term facility for 39 days once in GA though.

Well, when Jamie gave birth, she decided I got too much attention. So she told my mom move me out, or she was taking Cass, the grandbaby and leaving. Of course, mom called my cousins in Ga and sent me to them. Laurie and Steve were 29 and 31.

They were my saving grace. I tear up thinking all they did for me. They let me join color guard again. i was allowed to go back in band. I was allowed to go to Youth Group and hang with my friends. i was allowed to date boys. I was allowed to admit to kissing a boy and being pumped for description, not because I was going to be spanked and punished, but because Laurie knew it was so sweet to relive the moments of puppy love. I went to parties. i went to band camp and wa sin the talent show.

I was allowed to wear shorts. i was allowed to wear tank tops. Laurie never even called me a slut once!!! I was amazed. Steve would talk with me and laugh with me. they taught me to plant things and enjoy watching them grow. They painted my room in the funkiest coolest theme ever--because I mentioned I liked it. They were wonderful

Then after a huge fight with my mother over the phone one day, it all came crashing down. My happy world of fun and parties and love was gone. My mom said things I will never forgive or forget. I was so enraged and depressed, thinking I would always be a stupid slut, I took a bottle of tylenol. Per my mom's orders, Laurie and Steve put my in a long term facility, crying the whole time. They hugged me so hard and said they would do whatever they could to get me back out and back with them. They never could, no matter how they tried.

I moved to Florida to live with nana when I graduated high school. I went to college. I went to parties, I had fun. it was great. i talked to my mom everyday and just pretended she never hurt me with her comments.

People always tell me it is great I am able to laugh at myselfg. Well, I had to learn. One day, I nearly burned my eye lighting a cigarette. And my mom laughed at me. While I was crying, moaning in pain because I had second degree burns on my eyelid, she laughed so hard she cried. Nowm, you see why i laugh at myself.

When I got out of the Army, I met my husband in school. My mom told me all my life I should never have kids because I have terrible genes, she didn't want anyone even remotely like me running around on this planet, and I would be a terrible mom, murdering my kids the first time I got mad.

I got pregnant. My mom told me aboertions were wrong, but not try to hard to keep the baby. Keep smoking, keep drinking and have sex with as many guys as I could to help not keep her. I was appalled. I was hurt. I was shopcked. I never brought it up again.

My daughter was born. My mom said she expected her to be ugly but not as ugly as she was. She said she looked uglier than me, which was a big feat.

Now, my dh and I plan on having another child in three years. My mom told me not to as I can't be a good mom to more than one child.

My dh and I have been happily married for 2 and a half years and together for nearly 4. Mom tells me he will one day leave me because noone will want me forever, it would be like marrying Satan forever.

Hopw can I get over this anger and hatred of her, when this is the barest description of what she has done to me my whole life?

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Comments:

MamaC...
Sep. 25, 2009 at 1:00 PM

I cried reading this.  Your post really pulled at my heart.  It aches for all you've been through.  One thing is for sure, I might not know you but it is obvious you are NOTHING like the person she claims you are.  My husband went through something so very similar to what you have described and I can feel the pain in your words.  It's like looking in his eyes when he talks about his mother.

I wish I knew how someone could ever get over something like this.  I think whether or not you realize it, you have on some levels by simply becoming a better person than her and becoming a better mother.

*Big Hugs*

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smushy79
Sep. 25, 2009 at 1:26 PM

I would never talk to her again or let her have ANY communication with your children. She is a witch who deserves to burn in hell.

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evila...
Sep. 25, 2009 at 1:41 PM

Channon, of course knows you, and I trust her judgment on others (just not men, lol, just kidding!) SO if she says you are a good person, you are.

The second paragraph of what Channon said really rings true to me. You do have to look to those type of bad influences and see what NOT to do. Channon knows that I too have had a rocky time with my mother. Although she wasn't as abusive as yours, her apathy hurt almost as bad as a smack. But I thank her for two things, my love of books and showing me how NOT to be a mother. Although, I may fall short some days I try to give me girls the care, consideration, and attention that every child craves and deserves. 

My suggestion let go of all the hurt, anger, and fear. Forgive her, and never allow her in your life again. It sounds like you have made better choices than she and built up your own family, so extract the poison from your life. That is what this woman is to you, poison. She has poisoned how you see yourself, and the world around you. She has warped your very perceptions.

Know that there are other mothers out there who were daughters to terrible, selfish creatures and they know what you are going though raising your children, without a clear guide or a good role model to go by.

hugging

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mama4...
Sep. 26, 2009 at 10:39 AM

Thanks so much. I just ache at all the crap I have gone through. The worst part is, the truly awful stuff that i didn't put in here, my mom has decided to forget. She says it never happened, it was all in my head, just another bi polar episode.

The stuff she decides to remember, she either thinks is not a problem, or has a good excuse, at leats in her mind.

She said she would sleep all day because Daddy would go out with the navy and she was afraid to sleep at night. Then it becomes her dr made her addicted to Haldon(which don't ever take BTW) and she slept because of that.

it is always one excuse after another, or total denial anything occurred or was worng.

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Guinh...
Sep. 26, 2009 at 11:01 PM

Your mother hates herself, and she chose to express that hatred by hurting you. She wanted to make you feel as horrific about yourself as she does about herself. Misery NEEDS company. You, unfortunately, are her scapegoat.

I understand being the victim of someone who is supposed to have your back, be your number one supporter. She is supposed to love you unconditionally, not try and tear you down at every turn. She is a hateful, spiteful, cruel woman, and she does not deserve you. She does not even deserve the title "woman", let alone "mother". She is barely human.

That creature you describe is no mother; she is merely a vessel in which you passed through. Sadly you were subjected to her cruelty and abuse, and that should never have happened. It is a terrible injustice that you are left to clean up the mess she made, and THAT  I can completely relate to.

I am very sorry that this happened to you. I am so sorry that you were mistreated so awfully. Remember that YOU are remarkable, beautiful, intelligent, special. You are NOT. HER. Her issues are not your legacy.

Cut her off, if you haven't already. Do not let that... creature... poison you for one more second of one more day.

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mommypip
Sep. 26, 2009 at 11:30 PM

Honestly I would cut her out of your life. She will never change and you are only hurting yourself. You have a wonderful family and husband to support you. Your story makes me want to cry. My childhood was pretty screwed up too so I can definately relate. Hang in there.

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gidge...
Oct. 12, 2009 at 6:28 AM

wow... I know this seems to be the only word that comes from my mouth when she comes up in our conversations...but that is the only word that comes to my mind! I have told you several times, that I will share my mommy with you. I mean that! I know she would be more than happy to take you in and treat you like one of her own. And she would dote on your little one too lol. Call me when you get the chance... Love ya girl 

 

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