Journey back to ME.. Day 6 Another good day?

[Dannille33]

Alrighty, I am sorry for the first two Journal posts. I must go over them a bit more carefully before posting them. I realized that some parts didn't even make sense to me. I guess sometimes I just get caught up in the moment of writing down all my thoughts, feelings, and happenings.

Also I have been asked by a few "Why do you want to go back to YOU? And how were you before now?" I would like to first answer this questions and any other questions in future comments so please feel free to ask.

OK, before I became full of nerves, panic, stress, and anxiety I was ME. I was a mom that seemed to balance everything. Now setting back and really looking at things before, I believe that maybe this was slowing creeping up on me. I had became rather independant through my first marriage, and also the bread winner. My first marriage was not a good one filled with abuse, and so many other things. After 6 yrs I stood up for my children and for myself. I ended it! Only to become more enraged when my daughter had a trigger at age 11 that my ex husband had molested her at age three. The brain is good at storing things believe me and then boom you remember. It was founded and that also created a long 2 yr court battle making him unable to see the kids.

Meanwhile I had went from working 15 yrs to a stay home mom 24/7. My independance of 6 yrs single had also ended. I found an man is now my husband and had a child with him at age 30. I went through many changes during the past 5 yrs. I believe that is why I get so nervous and stressed. It's like my body's way out. Not by my choice. So anyway I moved an hour away from my mother and grandmother whom I had been very close to. Shortly after my move my grandmother fell ill. Then June 1st 09 she went to be with God. I was able to spend her last 3 days holding her hand and beside her all the way. This took a toll on me that I wasn't aware of. Then with all the years of my daughters autistic behavoirs and finding out my 11 yr old had adhd.

Now let me tell you I survived all this and I was so proud and happy that I did with GOd and my families help. I believe that all this played a part in the rush of nerves, anxiety, panic and STRESS.

The ME though that I would love more than anything to  get back to. The MOM that did it all. I could sit on the couch and cuddle my kids, I would rent movies with them and have popcorn/movie night, my daughter and I would go shopping every Saturday as a girls day out. I was able to go to the store when I pleased, see my mother as I wanted usually weekly, I could read my 4 yr old a bed time story at night, and I would RELAX! I planned my own wedding and made everything for it March 21 of this year, I took the kids to 4 H with there animals for 5 days. I decided to lose much needed weight so I joined a gym and lose 50 pounds. I did quite a bit. So much that even though I could feel bits of stress, or anxiety build I just fought through it. I wanted my kids to be happy.

I also took on my friends problems, I wanted to help them out always playing therapist to them. Funny I could always tell them what to do never being able to figure out I needed to do. When it all came down to it .. I don't think I took care of ME, MOM. Mom's need that ya know. They need to relax they need a chance to slow down once in a while. They need Men to take a class on how to help their gf, or wife out once in a while, how to allow them to take some time for Themselves. Remember is Mama isn't happy then no one is. LOL

So this is the ME that I am on my way back to. Now don't think I will take on so much in the future. I have learned that I can't do it all, that I have to take some time for me, and it's hard so hard when your a mom to just say.. Ok ME time. I mean being a Mom is a full time job. I have also decided that medication is OK  it does help you when you need it. So there are days I need it and days that I don't. Therapy I have learned in the past is a good thing. Having support that is a MUST. On here I have found so many wonderful moms that have been through this or still are going through this. I have found mom's that are just lending an ear. I feel blessed to have so many friends. It has helped more then they will ever know.

I have decided though that this Journal isn't just about me anymore it's about being a MOM. Mom's are stressed all the time. It should be up there on AMERICA'S toughest jobs. I mean just because it never ends. So this Journal is for all of us as mom's. I see it's helping some mom's say .. oh my I feel that, I have gone through that, I understand, or .. that's what I am going through now. I am so glad that it's helping others. Means so much to me because when it started hitting on me hard I wanted to DIE. I know that's not right but it drives at you sometimes. It's like a tug on your arm that wont go away. Just remember live as much as you can on the good days, and take the bad days in stride. See your doctor don't do this alone, find a therapist to talk to I have found men just aren't good listeners, or supporters. lol Also ask for help, your not a burden your a person just trying to live, survive, and be a good mom. DO this for you, and do this for your kids. This is what I have learned from all the support and friendships I have found right here on Cafe mom!

Ok so yesterday I didn't have much time to write, it was full of ups and downs. It started off GREAT! I mean people thought I was medicated yesterday. Nope it was just a bit of my old self. I cleaned a bit of my house, and wrote in my personal journal some. My mother still in the hospital which worries me. I am working on going to see her. I just hope my nerves will let me. And panic will give me a day off for a 2 hour drive there and back. The pills work pretty good but sometimes your body is so nervous that the pill relaxs you but your body shakes at times. So anyway it was a pretty good day for the most part. Right now I am having some problems with the hubby, after 5 yrs he still can't seem to mush well with my 2 other kids. He seems to be a great dad to our youngest though. So today I decided to ask him what's up? He doesn't say much just that he wants them to respect him. *sigh* I keep telling him that a child will not respect you if you do not respect them, and if you always see their bad and not their good. This is where I find that men are soo stuborn I wanna find a skillet. Just kidding. No really though I believe that once this therapy starts perhaps a few months in to it I am going to bring in my husband so he can hear another mans advice. It's worth a try.. at least. Maybe he can understand a bit more about my condition, and about the problems that I have creating this condition. Note* This panic, anxiety, stress disorder does run in the family* Just a thought to keep in mind. Anyway so yesterday has rolled in to TODAY.. day 7, I wont say much and Journal later about day 7 because I have made this entry so LONG!! sorry. I just want to say that it started off pretty great and then around 9am this morning had me feeling stressed, sad, and emotional. I will add more later.

Thanks again to all of you wonderful mom's I know reading my confusion entry's arent easy, I know it's easier to read about the good moments in life. Heck I would love to just live in good moments, but the bad comes around and sometimes when it rains it pours! I thank you for your wonderful comments! I love them all, and if you want to ask questions please do any time. Also if you want to friend me .. go ahead that is great to. If you are like me the more friends and support the better.. Just know that through all this YOUR NOT ALONE ever.. and if you feel any of this see your doctor. I feel if I would have caught this earlier that I could have found a med or something that would have eased all this major feeling of panic, anxiety and stress.. And take a HOT bath with candles once a week, that will relieve stress to!!

Hugs and loves to all Thank you..... 

[Lb128f]

Sep. 25, 2009 at 4:14 PM

Thanks for sharing more of YOU! I think you are right on target in everything you say...it ALL makes sense to me! I'm so happy that you are accepting of help...no matter what the form. And, that you are willing to do whatever you need to do to get back to YOU! Your offer of support and encouragement to others is beautiful! :-) I enjoy reading your posts and have had NO problem with doing so...I think you write well! What you say is true...Mom's lose sight of being "ME"...Men can be dense...lol! I hope your DH will go to therapy...and I bet in you going you will learn some ways of helping him figure things out! Good Luck!

[CA1960]

Sep. 25, 2009 at 4:44 PM

[Stickmom]

Sep. 25, 2009 at 4:54 PM

It sounds like you have a plan! That's great!!

[carrie24]

Sep. 25, 2009 at 7:24 PM

You sure do sound better today & that makes me happy! Days are good & bad & I have had them & they are hard to go through. You are doing the right thing & you should feel so PROUD of yourself! Remember, I am always around if you need a shoulder, I have 2 you know!

[maidn]

Sep. 25, 2009 at 11:59 PM

I am so proud of you .. keep up the great work .. I'm here for you 

[nik_nak_mom]

Sep. 26, 2009 at 1:14 PM

I agree with the above comments, you should be proud. It seems as though you have a handle on what to do. Good Luck.

[luvbreezy03]

Sep. 26, 2009 at 1:16 PM

Good Luck. I understand.

[starrsun]

Sep. 26, 2009 at 1:53 PM

Again,....awesome post,lady!

Your bad days..sound like my semi-good days.Take the help and make it work,like you said.

Yes,meds do help..if you find the right one/combination of meds. As for your daughter's memories...poor kid..sounds like she is so very lucky to have you as her mom;a mom who even tho has her own issues/stresses not always connected to our kids,you've put them aside to help her.Wow....I'm so glad you accepted my friend invite! And I am soo very glad to hear you have had a good day!