Journey back to ME.. Day 7, where do I begin?

[Dannille33]

Where do I begin? Today seemed to mimic that of a rollercoster ride. I know that as the days go by and I really start to focus of getting better  realize all the things that go on. I guess sometimes you do that, yet the days seem to go by fast or you they all run together I am not sure. I just know that when you feel stress and axiety it's like you have to find the cause so now I am always looking for it.

So today I woke up in a pretty good mood, and thought again as I did yesterday .. I AM GONNA KEEP HAVING GOOD DAYS!

I find that if you say that it helps. Then I sit down with my husband and decided that one of the things that really upset me is his nipping. It is as if he is now upset with me for being who I am now. If I do something he now raises his voice to me. I broke down yesterday and told him I have had enough. I am a person and I do not need to be treated as if I were a dog. Of course his response is nothing. I also say to him how after 5 yrs he still doesn't seem to treat my oldest two children which are not his.. Like his own or even as a father figure to them. He does treat our 4 yr old great, not to mention even spoiling him. Of course his response is nothing other than "They need to respect me! Then I will respect them and treat them as a father" what he doesn't seem to get is that he only makes their presence known when he is mad at them or if they haven't done their chores correctly. He doen't praise them for good things. Then I move on to how he still believes that this is all in my head. As I am fuming from this my 4 yr olds school calls he has just fallen off the play ground equipment. So my husband rushes off to get him.

Meanwhile I call my mother who is in the hospital to find out how she is doing today. I had planned to take another HUGE step in going to see her an hour away. When she got on the phone I felt so bad because between missing her and my recent talk with my husband I just started to cry. Then I felt quilty because she is sick and I am unloading without control. So I try not to talk about ME much and ask her how she's doing. Then she tells me " Well, they think I have congestive heart failure. I was on a water pill to prevent this from happening then I the dose was to much and started was starting to weaking the kidney's. SO they took me off the water pills and now the water is going around my heart."

This flew me for a loop. I didn't know if I should cry, scream, or punch something. I did know that I was starting to panic and that wasn't good. I was speechless and told her that perhaps I better stay home today and she agreed.

My husband returned home with our son and he had a nice size bump on his head but seemed to be ok. I decided that unlike yesterday I better have my Khopolin on board, because I could just feel the panic and anxiety. I didn't need a full blown attack. Then I had to try to get some cat food and my daughters meds. My 4 yr old wanted to come with me but he could see how I seemed up tight and he knew.. He knew that if he went I could be the mommy that was grumpy and not the one the one that took him to the park. (This made me feel so bad for this is what I have to now fix with all 3 of my kids) So I assured him I wouldn't be like that I took a medicine that would help me and I wouldn't get grumpy. He deicded to go.

We ran to a few stores and I bought him ice cream, that helped his head. LOL We also talked with a woman at the feed store, and he was able to play so he was happy about that. When on our ride home he was again happy to see that I was not "bad mommy" which is what he had named me when I first got this way. I was just Mommy, the good mommy that was getting fixed.SO on the way hom I managed to record him on my cell phone singing a bit of "Oh Happy Day" which I will attach at the bottom. I wish it was the whole song. This goes to show you that kids understand more than you know.

So we returned home that pill wiped me out. That's one thing I dislike about a meds they have side effects this one is headache, tummy ache at times, and drowsness. With this it is like you take it and slowly they all appear. So towards bed time your like .. beat!

To finish up such a rough day with an up end we decided to order the older kids pizza. They were pretty excited about that! They are also telling me they are glad I am not as upset as I was. And their not afraid to hug me. Before I couldn't stand that and some days I still can't but it's like they know. I just have to becarful not to try to do to much or be to funny. If I am to tired its like panic is easier to root it's old head and I can't control it as much if I am beat.

After all this I passed out! Go figure it was one rollercoster of a day! lol I am starting to take the good from even the so/so days. I was so happy to talk with a few people that I had made friends with from past Journal comments as well. I do continue to thank you for reading my Journal entrys, and for your supportive comments, and prayers. I know the Journey could be long but in the end it's worth it!

Ok .. so it's 4 am and I am heading back to bed just had to get this entry in.. Here also is my 4 yr old after a 2nd good day with mommmy.. sorry if the quality isn't to good. It's was taken with a cell phone.

Hugs and loves to everyone going through this as well! Know just live for those good days!

[BOOGIETHEBOOG]

Sep. 26, 2009 at 6:14 AM

I am sorry that your mom is in the hospitial.  Remember where your hubby is coming from. It is easier to love your own kids than step kids.  He will love them in his own way but it will never be the same as his own child. 

I am so glad that you are taking care of your self. 

 

[choose2bgr8]

Sep. 26, 2009 at 7:22 AM

{{{Hugs}}}

I feel like you have expressed sometimes. Even lately. It's really hard to make it through each day.

Sometimes people journal just to vent, and if that is the case, I am not going to give you advice because that isn't what you need. If it is advice the you are looking for, message me and I will let you know what tends to help me on days like you have been having.

[MSugarKane]

Sep. 26, 2009 at 10:44 AM

Get well soon wishes to your Mom~

Do tell yourself and do smile and things do go better with good thoughts even though, kids and husbands can screw that up REAL fast.   LOL

Its OK, anxiety doesn't have to rule you, just take baby steps learning how to control it and that will help a lot.

good luck!

[Lb128f]

Sep. 26, 2009 at 5:09 PM

I'm so sorry about your Mom. I hope the Doc's are wrong...I will be saying a prayer for her (and for you too) as in dealing with her illness is going to be stressful. But, I know she appreciates you calling and your love and support and those are things that are easy to "do."

Love the video of your son...he seems quit happy and content...just the way we want our children to be in life! ;-)

You know...about your DH and the children...I was wondering...do you ever let them go and do things alone? If not, maybe he or you could plan something for them to do together...without you or your youngest...because, without you there to run interference maybe he and they would find some common ground...you know? It would give him (and them) an opportunity to just be with each other and talk. I don't think being a "step" is ever "easy" and if their "real" Dad is still in the picture they surely feel some "obligation" to NOT love their "step" too much. Plus I think when introducing a child into a step relationship after some period of being alone with you there is an "adjustment" time that has to occur....that can take years if the children are not young. Good Luck on this!

YOU need to get to sleep earlier! Being tired/exhausted is dangerous...actually being angry, hungry or tired can all be detrimental to your healing...so, get some rest!! :-)

YOU are doing GREAT though...all in all -- a GOOD day. I'm glad you are finding the "good" things in life and are letting go of the not so good! I think you are doing great! And, if a day turns out "not so good" that's okay...because, you have tomorrow! Don't give in or give up!!

[maidn]

Sep. 26, 2009 at 10:14 PM

 Sorry about your mom I agree with Lb128f .. you need to try to get sleep . I found years ago that everything is much easier to handle when I am rested . Hang in there though hon ... you are doing great !