The Cub Scout Fandango

[Fistandantalus]

Like an idiot, I agreed to host a sleepover for and escort to a Cub Scout Thing with my kids, my son's best friend Dalton.  We haven't seen much of Dalton for two weeks or so, him being unfortunate enough to have been a recent, confirmed and documented case of Swine Flu here in this little town, which was enough to have the yokels cleaning out the David's Market of toilet paper, water and ammo.  So, in a perfect storm of guilt over having been busier than a one-armed man in an ass-wiping contest and therefore unavailable to help take the burden off Dalton's mother Christine, who is tending to her severely ill husband 24/7, and having been unexpectedly able to get some studying done Friday morning, I agreed to this parcel of fool's errands.

Dalton is, well, he's a little bit special.   He's a high-octane kid with a true, sitcom-worthy nasal voice that he employs by asking a lot of questions and when those questions are answered by whatever hapless adult he's assaulting at the moment, he whines "Well, actuallllyyyy.." and proceeds to give you The World's Wrongest Collection Of Random Crap while he obsessively fiddles with whatever bit of detritus he's cradling at the moment, and that could be just about anything from a rock to a broom with about nine straw nubs still clinging to it that he's using to spread aspergillus spores in the dust on the floor of the place where everyone's food is being prepared.  Yeah, Dalton's that kid.  But he's very smart, his questions are usually interesting and as kids who are friends with your kids go, he's generally a decent, really annoying kid.

I go to school from 7am until 7pm Monday through Friday and I have a lot of homework.  I get up at 5am so I can study before school.  On Saturday, I reallykindadon'twanna wrangle a pile of kids to a Cub Scout Thing at some camp 45 minutes from here, especially when I have absolutely no idea what we're supposed to be doing and it's all very random and last-minute.   The sleepover had gone fairly well but for Dalton removing the card from the satellite box, causing the program in the DVR for the premiere episode of Smallville to get screwed up so 9 minutes of crucial, ab-flashing, angst-having coolness was lost and my husband was ready to nail the kids in their room for the rest of their lives, including and especially Dalton.  Yeah, taking him to the woods was going to be fun, you betcha.  I got the boys all dressed in their uniforms and MJ into something she could get dirty in because the pack was making her an "Honorary Scout" for the day, which means she's a little sister who has to be dragged along because Dad is gaming all day; there's a lot of "Honorary Scouts" being "honored" at these gigs.  Off we went in the POS Crown Vic with my little MapQuest Map to the place and all the kids yowling away like kids do, and we got lost because MapQuest is run by pipe-sniffing power-mongering Gargoyle People who enjoy toying with the blood pressures of Scout Moms.  I did at one point bellow, SHUUUUT UUUP BAAAACK THEEEERE!" because everyone was speculating loudly about the fact that we had no food in the car, so we were most certainly going to perish and be pecked at by buzzards under the blazing sun.  And it was MY son who started that all up, knowing full well that such an image was sure to freak out his little sister and would probably freak out Dalton and even if it didn't and Dalton was cool with that idea, they could team up and torture MJ, so it was a win-win for him until Mom Went Postal On I-20.  Eventually we tooled on up to the Disneyland-sized parking lot only to be verbally assaulted by some woman who was practically wearing an iron bra and a helmet with horns; the amount of drama she managed to interject into a four-minute conversation regarding a little plastic parking pass was phenomenal.  Not an auspicious beginning.  After several more run-ins with indignant and highly-stressed-out Scout People, we managed to hook up with the right people in the right place. 

The program was simple.  Put up some flags while everyone takes cell-phone pictures and oohs and ahhs, make a fire, cook some dogs and consume them, go see the "caves" built from pipes and concrete with flashlights, roast some marshmallows, listen to how much popcorn we need to sell and we're out.  Little did I dream.  The flag thing was straightforward, but the tiny 9-year-old chosen to carry the American flag lost his footing and Old Glory went down in the aspergillus spores.  Making a fire was rather difficult as the area has gotten 15 inches of rain in two weeks so there wasn't a dry bit of wood anywhere.  And a whooole lot of parents were sitting around doing nothing, so go figure that one out.  Eventually, a stinky smoking fire was coaxed into existence and then began the process of making 15 plates of hot dogs with the correct amount and type of condiments and the correct kind of chips.  The kids were shocked to discover that I am one plate-toting mother who reallyreally doesn't care if you wanted Cool Ranch and not Nacho Cheese Doritos; show me an "allergic to Nacho Cheese Doritos" wristband and we'll talk.  We packed up our water and flashlights and trooped over to where the "caves" were, but were eventually informed by a Cub Scout BigWig that there was a bit of a killer bee problem in there.  Okaaayyyy...Instead, we all played on the pirate ships and ran around bellowing about keel-hauling each other and sending each other down to Davy Jones' Locker.  Then we all marched back to the camp area with a short detour by the Cool Reptile Pavillion.  The Burmese Python has been exposed to so many squealing Scouts that he's developed quite a shtick; raise head and look menacing while flicking tongue, stretch a bit so everyone can see how big I am, carefully rearrange self and go back to sleep.  On to S'Mores!  Many, many marshmallows were cremated and scraped off green sticks and onto graham crackers and many, many flies descended onto sticky cheeks and fingers.  Little Andrew decided that any amount of char on his marshmallow was unacceptable, so he was roasting 'mallow after 'mallow and scraping their little black bodies off the stick with his shoe and stomping up and down on them as if they had offended him deeply by catching on fire like that.  This is the same kid who ate a marshmallow that had been shot out of a marshmallow gun onto the roof of the latrine and rolled through the aspergillus spores and into a puddle.  Little Andrew's mother is one of those people who pretends to be interested in other people's lives and asks questions only to "Uh huh" her way through the answers because she's not really listening.  Someone might have told her that Andrew was consuming a colony of dread bacteria, but I'd bet the old John Deere that she said "Uh huh" and went on to yarn about the time she met Harland Ellison at a sci-fi convention.  We were informed that the kids needed to sell $250 worth of questionably tasty popcorn products to friends and neighbors over the next month.  Wish me luck because no thinking person is going to want to shell out $40 for a large can of preservatives and fractionated coconut oil, but there's always Grandma.

On the way home, I was persuaded by the Kid Chorus to stop at Whataburger for piles of french fries and ketchup, a lot of which got thinly spread and/or sprinkled over the back seat and so when we got home I handed out paper towels and Mr. Clean and told the Condiment Trio to get to scrubbing so my car didn't smell like the stands at Fenway Park.  Then, I ferried Dalton on home to his family, my kids to another kid's house for yet another sleepover and came home to contemplate my spleen with a foofy rum drinkie in peace and quiet.

There's another Coub Scout Thing in November.  I hereby nominate my husband to wrangle the kids for that one.

Add A Comment

[KTMOM]

Sep. 27, 2009 at 1:18 PM

Normally I am the one doing this kind of stuff as well.  We have a den meeting tonight and a pack meeting tomorrow.  ugh.

This year I nominated my husband to take D for the fall camping trip,  coming up this weekend.  I will have the house to myself for two whole nights!!!  :)  

[cleanaturalady]

Sep. 27, 2009 at 9:36 PM

Went to Cub World, did you?  So much fun I just can hardly stand it.

[Guinhyvar]

Sep. 27, 2009 at 10:47 PM

Oh, wow.

Um. Pass.

I nominate ZM for the next Cub Scout Thingy, too, if that helps at all.

[Bridger]

Sep. 28, 2009 at 2:24 PM

See, I knew I could be cheered up.  I think i will read Fistandantulus Journals until Saturday :)

[coleysmama]

Sep. 28, 2009 at 5:16 PM

LOL!!!! Been there, done that!!!  I was  Cub den leader for my son since Tigers. Luckily, he just moved on to Boy Scouts a few months ago. Lots less parent involvement.

This made my day!