Reflections of Alyssa's Birth on My Birthday

[amileegirl]

Alyssa is a week old today, and I just turned 36.  

I feel great!   My husband returned to work today and though the house keeps getting messy (I am not sure how) its been fine now that I can get up without help or effort, and can navigate stairs.    The lady parts are still tender, but they healed up fine.   My poor butt is feeling better every day.   Lots of muscle fatigue.     LOL   We had some latch issues we are still working on, but the suck-ubus and I are learning.

  i had a very empowering birth!   In retrospect there are some things I would change:

I was prepared for a long labor with a build up.    It didn't occur to me to prepare for a short, intense, working labor.     I really worked, most contractions were pushing contractions out of my control.

Don't wait to prepare food!    A month in the freezer won't kill it :)

More cloth compresses and softer toilet paper for my poor anus.

Next time I want a birth pool!

I watched my birth video and I was pissed and snarling at the midwives just after the head emerged.   Frankly, I'm still rather irritated that four hands were helping Alyssa to be born.   Watching it made me feel sick.      It seemed to me that I was doing okay and she turned on her own despite having a nuchal hand.  I think, had  they given me half a minute I would have naturally got into a position to get her out by myself (i was already trying to put my legs together to help with perineal stretch) maybe even without a minor tear.   Or even if they had answered me when I demanded to know what was going on and why i was being touched against my will.   No one would answer me!     I didn't consent and it wasn't an emergency...just a moment of concern.  My husband doesn't get why I feel this way.

Too many questions!   Too many interruptions!      I refused many doppler inquiries and only allowed a few on my terms.  But still it broke my concentration.    I did not want to talk!    Roaring, moaning, growling,  -- those were all I wanted unless I was pep talking to myself.   The push for hydration was getting on my nerves too.   Just bring the straw close and when I want it I'll drink it without prompting since I often asked for it myself anyway.

I wish I had not been talked into laying on my side to "see" how it went.   I was in a short dazed lull and just wanted to rest.   I KNEW it was wrong.    But a minute didn't seem unreasonable.   Once down,  I felt weak and vulnerable, could not concentrate, and was slammed by pain I couldn't work with.  I wept and whimpered it was so awful.   Someone started lifting my leg and I had to yell to whomever it was to stop.       It was so hard to get back to the semi-squat and I was unprepared for the next contraction.    I told them "no no no more"  "bad" as I couldn't really speak.

I wish my husband had read the damn books I gave him.   He stepped up to the plate and did a good job and was support for rubs, poop duty, and stroking, but he was so unprepared and he worried too much to see it for what a birth really is.   I wanted him to be my voice but he was more than willing to let anyone do any thing they wanted to me-- you can sense it.  I can only imagine what would have happened in a hospital!  He was irritated that I was being demanding and got his feelings hurt.  Sheesh!   I warned him about the labor brain!

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Update 10/5/09

Yes, I would use my midwife again.    Everything was great the whole time -- prenatal, postnatal, and labor/birth except for those few things that I wrote here.     A couple of things you can't really predict, and the other was a miscommunication during a last minute decision (I hired her to make those decisions, but the miscommunication was the real issue -- not the decision itself).

I spoke with my midwife today and expressed all the things that were bothering me.     I expressed that if I had been told why I was being touched against my wishes, I would have been more relaxed and could have helped by changing my position (which I was unable to do with them in the way, but wanted to).   I also told her it was like running the whole marathon and then a few seconds before I could cross the finish line on my own and have my victorious last few strides, two people picked me up and carried me across.   She listened and apologized (of course she can't change the past so aknowledgment was all I was looking for).

She said that she was trying to be hands off but after a point she made a decision,  she felt the baby was stuck longer than she felt comfortable (though it wasn't an emergency) and needed its hand moved manually because it was in the way of the shoulder slipping out -- she thought that explaining what she was doing would have panicked me.    I told her that I wouldn't have panicked and not communicating made me feel tense and violated and angry, and caused me not to be able to change positions or relax or help.    

I personally feel I could have pushed her out had I been able to get into the more upright position I instinctively wanted (frog squat), and even if I needed a little help I would have had a totally different feeling about it had I been part of the decision.  Funny thing, I was fine being completely naked, but having four hands on my privates without the communication really is more than I can bear thinking about even now -- I knew I didn't want to be touched unless absolutely necessary, I just didn't know how much I'd react negatively.

The annoyances about questions, I know I just need to be clear next time now that I know what I want.  A first timer just doesn't know how they will be in labor and I couldn't have known that even a simple question would be extremely distracting.    Talking to myself was one thing, but trying to form a conscious answer just was very annoying.  Not anyone's fault.

[Pishyah]

Sep. 28, 2009 at 6:20 PM

I take it that the next birth will be an UC or with a different MW? 

I'm sorry you have negative feelings about your birth.  It's awful that even you ended up feeling (what appears to be) violated even with all of your preparations and being at home.  :* (  

 You were prepared for a long labor and I was expecting a fast one, lol.  Happy birthday to you and happy one week day to Alyssa! 

[logansmomma2007]

Sep. 28, 2009 at 6:44 PM

I feel you on the husband gripe.  I asked Danny to read a few chapters from my book weeks ago and he still has not done it. 

Two midwives at once would have bothered me too.  While I do understand their concern in making sure everything was all right, there was no need for both of them to be grabbing at the baby like that. 

Did you at least have a tub to labor in?  I am a little skeptical about how I will feel about the birth pool during labor, but given your regrets I will probably set one up.

All in all though your birth sounds like it went wonderfully (even though it was not exactly how you wanted it). 

[hillmom]

Sep. 28, 2009 at 8:28 PM

I can see how two midwife, and all their "help" would be really annoying! Heck it drove me nuts just to read it =-) However it is wonderful you are getting it out now. I suffered with feelings from my (very NOT empowering first birth) for over 8 months before I realized why I felt so down. ((HUGS)) We'll be glad to listen, well read. Next baby (if you choose to have another child) you can feel more prepared.

[ToddlerBrain82]

Sep. 29, 2009 at 12:08 PM

I'm so happy that your birth was empowering for you. I wish everything had gone exactly as you wanted it to. I agree with hillmom that it's wonderful you're talking about your frustrations now instead of letting it build up for months or years. Happy 1 week to sweet little Alyssa, and happy birthday to you, Mama!

[Imamom4sure]

Sep. 30, 2009 at 3:09 AM

If the goal is about honoring you, then no-one would care how you talked, all they would want to do is meet your needs and not take over.  with my first born, my body was doing fine delivering my babies head, but the doctor, wanted to  have credit, and everyone is so ingrained that the female body can't do it, well, I had since delivered three other kids with no one messing with my babies head or doing anything with their hands, that wasnt with out my voiced permission.  I would feel just like you.  my first birth ended up traumatic and disconnecting because of stuff similar to what you describe, although there were also some very wonderful things about it, too.  it is possible to reconnect, but that takes a lot of commitment to working together to understand each others reality during the process, and what one was feeling.  

[Imamom4sure]

Oct. 6, 2009 at 1:15 AM

I'm glad for you, btw, it sounds like you've been going over the miscommunication with everyone.  I think that is wonderful and also helps this midwife whom seems to want to be excellent even improve things in her practice.