Journey back to ME. Day 10.. I kinda skipped day 9

[Dannille33]

The wind is like ice through my body, it's like wow.... Where did the temps go that I felt warmth from? They are certainly not here in Iowa for sure.

If you have read my past Journal's or even if you look you will see that I didn't write a Journal for yesterday Day 9. I felt like maybe I just go on repeating myself over and over. Plus yesterday was more for sitting back and reflecting on the week. I started to realize a few things as I really thought about the old me. I also thought why can't this be the new me? I mean what doesn't kill you makes you a stronger person, that in it's self is a great thing! If you learn from it and use what you have learned then life really should be a bit better..

On that note day 9 was not really any different than day 8. We sat and watched movies as a family. I seemed to get a little more cleaning done and well I thought about mowing till I went out side and YIKES it was cold and windy to top it all off. So needless to say it was the perfect inside family day. I just know that I am not ready for winter!!! Sorry thought I would add that. So yesterday I thought about all the things that I have learned so far from the doc, new friends, comments, and such. I believe that part of my anxiety is when my children leave for school, when my husband leaves for work, and if I have to leave to a store where I know that many people will be. At home I am starting to feel less stressed. That is till my husband leaves for work.

See before he started this some what new job he was off 3 days one week and 4 days the next. Still 12 hour shifts and still during the night time hours. With this newer job he works 2 days on 2 days off. From 6pm to 6am. His older job he was 12 miles away .. this job he is 50 mins away .. so I think that has me in a bind..also winter is coming and out here on the farm the past 3 yrs has been very very rough. Your lucky to leave one a week if you can get out. The 45 degree angled hill / lane to the road does'nt help. And to top it off deer camp. This is where he goes it's 4 hours away and well his cell doesn't work much there. Yet he goes. I feel a little worried about this .. this year. So there are a few things I think that are stressing and causing an early panic. Plus now that my mother in law has caught wind of this, well she isn't around much.. When she calls she only asks for my husband. This means that I now have no one except my family that I dwell with.

This town is well, very unfriendly to say the least. After 3 years I am still quite the stranger, and making friends here if you aren't born and raised here is un heard of. You have to live here to really understand. So of course thoughts of wanting to run back to my old town where my mom, and friends, and everyone I know lives is a HUGE wants. I am struggling to stay here because I know that my husband wont leave here. I guess I am just torn and second guess my move here in some ways. Then again this could have happened even if I hadn't moved.

I have also noticed that these attacks or feelings of them seem to come around night time more so than day time, also around PMS time, and if I am leaving to go visit my mother an hour away. Drives make me tired none the less and mixed with anxiety it makes it hard to really focus on getting there or home. I have also noticed that because I have felt like this for so long sometimes I am not sure if they the anxiety or panic is what I am feeling, sometimes I think it is just because I am use to feeling that way. Does this make sense?

Ok so that was day 9.. of the Journal

Today ... Day 10

Well, today has been a pretty good day.. Windy, and cold but ok..

I called my mother first thing today and she is working on coming home tomorrow or wednesday. I say it's a good thing just as long as she is well enough to come home. I worry about her ALOT.

My dryer broke yesterday go figure, so today it was up and down the basement stairs.  At least the wind came in handy and the clothes dried alot faster than usual! Woo hoo. My little guy and I did some cleaning and spent the day playing cooking games.. He loves those. We tried to make it town but then I became nervous and realized that I hadn't taking the med. To be safe we returned home, that didn't ruin the day we still went on to make Jello Jigglers, and no bake cookies. Which all my kids love!! And it's hard to keep them from eating all the them in one day.. LOL

Today I have felt unusually tired, I think it's the weather. For some reason my body is always ready to fall back with the clock but never spring forward so fall seems to be my season though winter brings.. Depression it has be 3 yrs now. The doctor says it's something most people get so I just deal with it. I know to that my sessions with this therapist will start soon, I am a bit worried about what will happen in a few months when winter starts and I can't get out to see him. I think that is a worry of alot of peoples out here. My husband says in a few years we can build another house on another part of our 130 acres that way we wouldn't have to battle the LANE. I just wish it was this year and didn't have to wait so long. Oh.. me oh my .. worry seems to be my first name, nervous my middle and what if my last.. LOLZ

Well, I wont go much into today. I know some people look at my Journal's as short stories and think .. OMG does she ever stop thinking.. answer to that is NO perhaps that is why I am in such a bind.. who knows..

Well, all good night and thanks again for reading.. for being great friends, and for your support. Thanks for being YOU.

Much love to all of you..

[Lb128f]

Sep. 28, 2009 at 11:28 PM

Thanks for the update...I was wondering if you were doing okay! Sorry it's gotten so cold there! I hope it warms up again before turning cold most all the time. I was thinking maybe you should plan now for that cold winter?? Maybe find some activities or things that you can do to take up some of the "stuck at home" time...like re-doing a room, painting, crafts, etc? And, on DH being far away (no contact)...maybe you could find and write down all the numbers of all the Emergency agencies (Fire, Police, Sheriff, etc) and have them handy (for at home and ALSO where he is in case you need to contact him)...being prepared may ease the stress some? And...is it possible for him to call once a day while he is there...maybe that would help too?

RE: nights/PMSing...Even though you are taking meds to help...maybe the Doc could offer something for relief when you are feeling a "sudden" anxiety coming on...something that would "boost" the meds?

Are there any Women's Groups locally, a Church group (Mom's day out or whatever), a Garden Club, Sewing Circle, Crafting Club...maybe you could join and get to know some of the locals?

Sorry about the dryer...but, hey...the clothes still got clean AND you got lots of exercise! :-)

Glad to hear you had a good day with your LO! Just curious (and I know you have touched on this before)...but, why are you resistant to taking the med daily at a regular time? Just curious. You know it helps...and it is made for situations like yours...it's available, it is prescribed.

RE: The weather and you...Do you know about SADD? Seasonal Affective Disorder

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/seasonalaffectivedisorder.html

Some ideas to combat it....

http://ezinearticles.com/?What-is-Seasonal-Affective-Disorder-and-What-You-Can-Do-to-Stop-It&id=2787285

I really think YOU are doing GREAT!!!!

I will be saying a prayer for your Mom!