I woke up and went to work at 7:30am as usual, dreading my 8:30 appointment my comadre (Alexs Godmother) made for me with the school districts Psychologist. I just wanted the guy to know what was going on just in case Alex would have a meltdown and need to talk to someone. We had played phone tag for days. It was 8:34 and I had no idea where to meet him- the teachers lounge? His on-site office? the main office?. I roamed the campus looking for him. Knocking on his door and no one answered. I played with the idea of just getting in my car and going home. I have only dealt with this guy on a professional level.
He has had meetings with us when we have a child/children that have severe behavioral problems. What was I supposed to tell this Psychologist? Why did he keep on leaving me messeges? Why did he state his "concern" when all I wanted was for him to know about my son?
We finally ran into each other at 8:38 and decided to talk outside on this gloomy morning. Thank God it wasn't the Psychologist we had last year, she was rude and angry all of the time. Saul just started to ask me what the whole story was and about Alex. The more I told him, the more I felt the need to talk and talk and cry and talk. Damn, maybe therapy DOES work!lol. He made me aware of things I can do and say and NOT DO and NOT SAY. I was completely honest with him. So much so that when I looked at my cell phone it was 10am! I felt bad for taking up his time, he reassured me that he was there just for that reason. He asked my permission to pull Alex from class and get to know him. I said yes. As I reached out to shake his hand and say thank you, he said 'C'mon we have a long joiurney ahead, give me a hug" I did and just then 2 teachers walked out (one being a good friend) and they all hugged me and started to cry. I held it in and tried to act strong like everyone tells me to be.
I came back for my second shift feeling this horrible anxiety, lump in my throat, pain in my abdomen and lower back that made me want to just break down and cry. Thank god for sunglasses. A student asked me if she could play out in the field and I forgot what I told her. Another girl was throwing wet paper towels on the bathroom ceiling, I managed to scold her. Then all of a sudden I got this overwhelming sadness in me. I literally wanted to just run and cry. I wanted to get on the walkie talkie and ask someone to please come and cover me. I didn't, I kept it in. I must have had 10 parents and 5 teachers ask me in those 3 hours how I was doing and I could only muster up the strength to shrug my shoulders as if to say "What do you think"?
Alex took 6 hours to do his homework tonight and still didn't finish. I wrote a note and blew him off to his room literally counting the seconds til he closed his bedroom door so that I could just cry. Cry as loudly and sloppy as I could. Boogers running down my face and all. WHEW! I needed to release this pain so bad. I still do. I am now scared for my emotional state. This 800mg of Ibuprofen is not lasting 6 hours, it lasts 3. The pain is now in some nerve that I can only describe as being deep within and between my cervix and my rectum. As if there is some little miniature evil person in there stabbing a needle in me.
If I am losing my wits now....how in the hell am I going to handle Chemo and radiation? How do I raise and discipilne this little angel God gave me? How do I do fun things with him when I barely have the desire to MAKE SURE he does his homework on time and correctly? When he argues about taking a shower and I just give in because I want to be alone to groan and moan and writhe in pain? I want to sleep, I don't want to watch my son disobey me so much. I don't want to hear his angry tone of voice. I feel like he is pissed off, as if to say "Oh great first my dad has no interest in me and now my mom is probably going to die". I want to be pleasant and supportive towards him. I wish I knew what was wrong with me besides the cancer. Maybe I just suck as a mom and this sickness is making me realize it.
oh Gigi. you don't suck at being a mom. It's hard. It's hard being a mom and it's hard being in the situation that you are in. If there is one thing we share right now, it's depression. We have different reasons for that depression and a different amount of stress on each of our shoulders. But there are feelings that we share.
I know what it's like to want to sleep all day. I know what it's like to feel like a bad mom because you give in to your kids and just want to be alone. I feel this way sometimes too. I'm taking my moms death hard, and it was 5.5 months ago that she died.
But you have to know, you are NOT a bad mom. You are doing the best that you can do, and that is all anyone can expect you to be. And you don't have to always be strong. It's okay to cry. It's okay to let it go. Just last week, when my boys were napping, i sat in the bathroom, alone in the dark and just bawled. And it's OKAY. and it's okay to talk to your son about how scared you are. Because i know that he is scared too. And you're probably right about him being angry. But he knows it's not your fault. He just doesn't know what to do about it.
I'm glad you have him seeing his school psychologist. And i hope that she will do some group meetings with Alex and you. I also hope that you are looking into local support groups. They could be of great help to you and to Alex.
I've recently realized that the grief i have is killing me inside and i have finally looked into grief support. I have my first meeting this Thursday.
I know my reply is kinda bouncing all over the place. I talk about you, and then me and then you again. I'm just trying to relate to you the best i know how.
Keep your faith and God will see you through.
Bless you Gigi. God Bless you and Alex too.
- outstandingLove
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