Day Two - Truth & Accountability

[sweetheart1985]

First. I'm going to come out with the truth.

I weigh 288 lbs. And I'm 5' tall. That's nearly 300 pounds on my tiny frame. It does not look cute. (despite what my husband assures me daily)

I'm fighting a life time of bad eating habits, bad exercise habits and mild depression. I think my weight stems from all these things. And I think my weight will improve my depression. It's a package deal.

There was a time.. about four years ago when I had gotten myself on the right track. At the age of 20, and the weight of a full 300lbs I had left my abusive boyfriend and moved across the state.

I had to be independent for the first time in my life. And that control just spread to every area of my being. I quit eating poorly. I walked MILES every day, I went hiking, I drank so much water my mother thought I would drown in it... and I dropped weight so fast even I couldn't believe it.

I did it wrong. I didn't have a plan. I was just winging it. I lost over 100 pounds and was mostly happy with my body for the first time in my LIFE. But I wasn't happy with myself. I was stuck in a dead end job, and quite honestly, I was living life on the edge. Not drugs, but by the middle of my 21st year, I was an alcoholic. I drank every weekend I could. I did many things I'm not proud of. Some of which I journaled about on this site when it happened.

I proved to myself that it's more than just weight. It's a whole YOU transformation.

And that's what I'm doing now. I'm re-thinking the way I approach food. It's no longer the only think in my life that makes me happy. It's fuel for my body. I'm going to slip up. But that doesn't mean I'm just going to do it all the time because I'm "supposed to" at one time or another.

I'm noticing the way long walks make me FEEL. I'm HAPPY when I come home. I'm proud of myself. I'm exhilarated. These are things I will remind myself of when I groan and don't want to go.

So. I'm going to be writing here daily to keep myself accountable. I want to be able to come back in six months and see how far I've come.

I'll write about my feelings, my struggles. Everything. I want to REMEMBER how HARD this is, so that when I finally reach my goal, I'll know all the reasons I can't fall back into those old habits.

To my friends and anyone else reading this: you don't have to comment. You don't even have to read it. I just have to get this out there. But your comments and reassurances help me more than you know.

Thank you for reading if you did.

[mtnmama111]

Sep. 29, 2009 at 4:51 PM

I too want no need to be walking daily... so I will read your journals and it will help remind me to get/stay on track!!

You/we(!!LOL) can do it!!!!

[bltcahill]

Sep. 29, 2009 at 5:08 PM

I think it's awesome that you are taking accountablilty and a new approach to a healthier you all over! A healthy relationship with food is a great way to start.  Just be sure not to make all sweet treats taboo.  Cause we all want what we can't have.  I like to snack on raisins to curb my sweet tooth, or celery with peanutbutter, but if it's been a while, I'll let myself have a piece of candy, or small fries with my salad.  I'm here for ya! Let me know if there's anything else I can do to help :]

[harteri]

Sep. 29, 2009 at 6:15 PM

I am really proud of you!  AND I am finding this inspiration... I too am struggling with my weight and think its feeding my depression.  Thanks for sharing this with everyone!  ((Hugs))

[Chibi_Kitten]

Sep. 29, 2009 at 8:22 PM

Good for you, Sammee!!! I'm so proud of you and I admire your strength, determination and perserverance!