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Medicine is not always the answer
- Oct 1, 2009 at 12:37 PM
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- Comments (10) Total Views (249) Everyone can see this journal post.
As most of my friends and family know, my son has severe combined type ADHD as well as Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD). We have struggled with him for most of his young life. He can be the sweetest kid, and the biggest nightmare (exaggeration) all rolled into one. For the longest time I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I searched for local support groups to only come up empty handed. I considered starting one, but we are a military family so I worried about who would take it over when we leave. I spent many days crying wondering if my son would ever lead a normal life.
In 2007 while my husband was deployed to Iraq, my son began to act out. He was totally out of control, and there were times that I would have to call in help (seriously!). My in-laws would come over, but it didn't always help. I felt at the mercy of others, and I was so tired. Jay's teacher at Head Start said that he needed to go see a counselor so I took him. The counselor said that no way no how would he even consider something being wrong with Jay or labeling him while his dad was in Iraq. My husband was due to come home soon so I hoped and prayed for the strength to survive the remainder of the deployment.
Well, last year my little boy started kindergarten. I was so proud to watch him be so independent. I quickly realized that his teacher didn't like him. You see, my son can be really difficult. I know that because I am his mother. There are days that I truly don't know how I will make it through, BUT he is still my child and I still love him. We'll call the teacher Mrs. S. Last year, Mrs. S. would bring him to the classroom door (in kindergarten here all parents have to pick up their kids at the door), and would look at me so disgusted while loudly announcing what a terrible day Jay had. I was embarassed, I was frustrated, and I was lost. I was bothered by the fact that she never pulled me aside to talk to me instead just announcing to the world that my son was having a hard time. I took Jay back to the psychologist upon the teacher's request, and I was given four questionaires; one for the teacher, one for me, one for my husband, and one for a "specials" (art, PE, music, etc.) teacher to fill out. On varying levels, every single one of the sheets showed that my son had ADHD; not just ADHD, but the combined type which is the hardest to treat.
So, I threw myself (literally) into researching ways that I could help him. Then, I decided that some "norm" was not going to help lable my son. So, I went for a second opinion, and had more papers to fill out. Again, it came back showing that my son had the combined type ADHD. I was devastated. The more I researched, the more my heart broke. I so badly wanted my son to not have this. I didn't want him to be at a higher risk for anything negative due to combined type ADHD; you see, my husband and I both have alcoholism in our families. I feel like the "gene," if you will, is already there. My son is already predisposed to some things, and with the ADHD there is a higher risk. Yes, he may outgrow his ADHD, but he may not.
Anyway, that's not that point here. I went to my son's counselor at school. All she could tell me is that there is no help in the school system in Kansas for behavioral problems. Now, if my son had bipolar or depression he could get an IEP, and have some help; but not with ADHD. I couldn't find the support that I needed in his school, and again I didn't know where to turn. I talked to his teacher and asked her to work with me because even though the pyschologist was pressuring me to medicate my son I didn't want to. There were days my baby would come home and tell me how Mrs. S had taken his chair away from him for most of the day because he wouldn't stay in it. I would always confront her to make sure, and she wouldn't deny it. It would infuriate me! I could see taking it away for a few minutes, but for an entire day, that was extreme. I asked her to call me to the school on his bad days, and I would help. I wanted to help him. I was dying inside trying to find ways to help him. I needed to help him. I needed to save him. His teacher didn't like him (in my opinion), and it hurt. It made me mad. My "momma bear" instincts kicked in, and I wanted to act very poorly, but never did.
Halfway through the school year we finally agreed (after talking to a new psychologist and psychiatrist) to allow my son to be medicated. I was thrilled to find the psychiatrist we have now. He is awesome. He started my son on 5mg of Adderall. It helped, but not enough for the teacher. She still had a hard time with him so she requested that I have his meds reevaluated (well, I was due to do that anyway) so I went in and told the psychiatrist everything that Mrs. S had said, and he raised my son's dose to 10 mg. That still wasn't good enough for the teacher because she "felt" the meds wore off halfway through the day. So I went back again, and the psychiatrist kept Jay on 10 mg of Adderall, but gave him the slow release formula instead. Amazing! Mrs. S seemed to really like Jay for the remainder of the school year, and always had a smile on her face when I was there to pick him up. You see, now there was another kid that needed to see a psychiatrist to be medicated. That boys mom never took him, and looking back I am proud of her for standing up for her child. I wish I had had the courage to do that too. Instead, my son has a label that will stick with him for many years to come. He was in kindergarten. So what if he wasn't organized. So what if he had to be redirected. So what if he got out of his chair or didn't raise his hand; he was five!
Now Jay is in first grade. I told his teacher at the beginning of the school year that I would not raise his dose of medication. I will, however, come to the school on a bad day, just call me. We'll call her Mrs. B. So she tells me she has a lot of experience with children with ADHD. I told her what I will accept and what I won't. At my first parent-teacher conference Mrs. B told me what a great job my little guy was doing. She said he did have a bit of trouble sitting still at story time, but that he didn't distract the other kids so it wasn't really a problem. A couple of weeks ago my son came home with his behavior chart colored a week ahead of where we were. So, I went to the teacher after school and told her that he had colored ahead so I would need her to send me a note or something to let me know if he had any problems. This is when she told me she thinks he needs a higher dose of meds. I told her that my husband and I would talk to him and then get back with her to check his behavior in a week or so. I walked into the office one day last week, and again she complained of what a bad day he was having and wanted me to raise his meds. I finally agreed to call the psychiatrist, which I did, to have him reevaluated.
I do NOT want to raise my son's meds. It's as simple as this. Jay will NOT be medicated to make the teacher's life easier. It won't happen. I am going to stand up for my son this time; I will be his voice and his advocate as I should be as his mom. I will take him to see the psychiatrist (which as I said earlier is awesome), but I will tell him how I feel, and I will get his professional opinion.
All of that said to say this: I will never again allow myself into being bullied to do something with my children that I don't want to do. I am not going to allow his meds to be raised to make the teacher's life easier. My job as a parent is to make my son's life easier. I don't want him so drugged up that he can't function, and since he doesn't have these problems at home, I am seriously curious if it is just that the teachers have so many kids to teach that they don't have the time, energy, etc. to deal with children such as my son.
Ladies, I know it is difficult. I truly do. He's mine and there are somedays that I feel like sending him to the zoo. But, he is a child who deserves to be a child. It's not like I haven't tried to be involved to help on the bad days. I want to practice behavior modification before anything else is changed. That's all I really want is the opportunity to truly help my son learn life skills that he will always need/use. I don't know why this is so hard.
EDIT: My son has very limited sugar and red and yellow food coloring. We also only allow caffeine on rare occasions.
The thing that my son responds best to is positive reinforcement. I also ignore him whn it is something that can be ignored. He doesn't do well with "discipline" per se because then he has nothing "good" to work for (if he is grounded) and will act out more. I have also tried time-outs and negative reinforcement. We have done sticker charts. We have given extra chores and taken things away. Nothing works like positive reinforcement does for him. What I mean by positive reinforcement working for my son is LOTS and LOTS of praise over even the simplest of things. He loves to feel like he has done a good job.
Comments:
I am going to answer your questions in an edit so that everyone will see them. :-) I would seriously appreciate any advice/help you can give me. My heart is breaking and I don't know what to do.
You are certainly correct. Medicine is not ALWAYS the answer for every ADHD and/or ODD child.
What your child may need, won't neccessarily mean that mine will.
Now if only teachers would get this concept that are of the "drug your kid up to let me teach" mindset.
My son IS medicated for his ADHD, ODD and his Mood Disorder because he is on the severe side of it all. But it doesn't mean that your son needs to have upped dosages, or any dosages at all.
I'm glad that you are standing your ground with the school staff. They don't walk in your shoes, nor mine on a daily basis.
It IS a hard fact to accept that your child isn't as what society deems as "normal". But they are "normal" to us. And just fine the way that we have them.
It's high time that the schools accept them that way as well. The full package. Not expect us to drug them in dosages that meet their satisfaction.
Jess, I can feel for you girl!!!! As I have said in the past, Michael had/has ADHD, and yea, sometimes it is very hard to deal with.....BUT he is my son, my love, and I am and always will be his champion.Plz hang in there, I can't give you any advice but I can listen to you and feel for you, and support you anyway I can. Plz know, we love u, and O GOD I know how hard it is!!! He and you will make it, just keep doing what u r doing, researching, asking questions, and above all love him. hugs to u sweety.
Try giving him 2 doses. One in the morning and maybe one about lunch time or when they say it starts to wear off.. We have to do that with our son. We give his 5mg after school to be able to get home work done. Our Dr said it may not matter how high you raise the dose. His metabolism maybe burning through it to fast so may need 2 doses
You are a good Mama! 
Jess, I know your life...:-) Sounds so much like my life with Billy. I will just tell you that you are doing everything right! You are a wonderful Mom. Positive reinforcement works so well with these type of children as it does for with Billy too, it not only makes them feel better, it does us as parents too. I too put a limit on what they school system said he needed as far as "increasing meds" Billy has been completely off his meds since Nov. 2007 :-D He is now 16 years old. Hang in there my friend, like Sherry said it does get better with age, at least that has been my experience in the 19 years of foster care and with my son.
Lotsa love to you and Jay...:-)
Hey Jesscia!
Thanks for sharing your story. I may not know know what's going on. But I'm always here if you need anything. I just wanted to let you know that you are a good mom. I'm glad that you are standing your ground with the school staff
u go girl. i love u and i love jay. rue rue goes through the same thing with bug. ive been blessed so far not to have to deal with anything like that. its hard enough dealing with my own bipolar. dont know how you do it. i am so proud to have such a wonderful little sister. <3
Girl, I know I have missed alot since having not logged on in awhile....This is an older post but with your son's condition can be easily updated........I commend you....First of all I think the meds are abused too much by parents who just don't want to deal with a child's behavior...Sound to me like he had ALOT of normal childhood 5 yr old behavior....Maybe escalated because of the disorder but so what?.....One thing you have to remind teachers of is that they are not doctors and although the meds may help induce calm, doesn't mean it's what's best for the child...Keeping his diet on a more organic level like no soy protien products, no artificial flavorings like spenda or equal....no boxed foods, etc....It helps to...Sounds like you have got control of it and it's just a day to day situation...I will pray for your son to outgrow it but I think he has a great mom......
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Hello, first of all I am sorry that you are going through this. I have a questions, well 2 actually. If this is too personal then no need to respond.
1. What is his diet (roughly)?
2. What discipline tactics have you used over the last 6 years?
M
- rousefam5
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