Oct is Domestic Violence month

[blessmeplease]

This is a repost, I used to have a MSN groups page. Many times I posted I would edit what I wrote, print it out and keep for me. I lost many pages luckily my sister printed them out! I hadn't known that! I am free, reposting these thoughts and entries has become a way for me to heal. I am thankful I have a chance to start again and do it right!

This is from July 7th, 2007...

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I killed a baby bunny , I was mowing the back yard in Lansing. I can't help but see the poor bunny twitching. That hasn't helped my mood (The renters we had stopped mowing the lawn, it was as high as my knees! I couldn't see the bunny hole)

What a nite, Kat is out for the next wek. Rob went at me with a vengence. I really think he enjoys pissing me off. I tell him to drop subjects, to shut up about things and he seems to keep egging me on. He went to hit me countless times in a 5 min period. He went to choke me too! He keeps saying I love you Mel. I told him that I believe him. To stop it, drop it. I'll be fine. He keeps saying your leaving me. I told him no. He threatened to kill one of th kids, "Which kid should I kill Mel?", "Pick one Mel..." He had a towel wrapped around his hands, I told him to shut up and cut it out. Inside I was scared and shaking. So this is love... I didn't cry during this, I couldn't. I think that would have made him madder.

He says he'll give me anything I want. I just want his love. I told him that, I want him happy and to just give me some time. He says I love her Mel, I said fine, he said maybe it's just lust but I do like her.

He said she touches me, she seeks me out. I need a tape recorder and a video recorder. He rarely acknowledges the pats on his butt I make or the caress on his head. A soft hand on his leg while he's at the table.

OH I admit I did give him crappy attitude, but it's my time of the month and hormones. I asked or almost beegged for Kat to fool around with him before she left. Which she did. I had some wine coolers (I was hoping to dull the pain in my head) and I started a fire, jumped on the trampoline and just laid down to watch the clouds. When they were together they came out side. Rob and Kat talked about me doing Rick. Rob says I should have no other man no one will take care of me like he does. All men are dogs. What good will come out of this? Rob threatens to kill any man that I screw so why bother? He's got people to do things, he mentioned to me a week ago. He asked someone at work to scare Tom (Kat's exboyfriend). I asked what he meant and Rob said don't worry about it, he will be taken care of sometime.

He's asked me to get ahold of Rick. Did I want to get preggers? Invite him over. He said he is obessed with her. Which is good in a way. He leaves me alone. I'm tired, I'm so done and I don't understand. I try to be everything and it's not enough, it's never enough. Well I've had enough... Despite it all the love is fading and going. I can't do this anymore. I can't just watch someone step all over me, threaten me and the kids. I'm through...